Weekend Survival Guide for newly heartbroken men

Are you here alone reading TES on a Friday evening? Did all of your friends go to a party that you weren’t invited to? Is this the anniversary of the day when your ex dumped you? Does the weather outside suck so much that you don’t want to leave home? If you are reading TES on a Friday evening, then you really need help. So, just for you, dear weekend readers, we present you with our guide to surviving the weekend in 6 easy steps:

1^st: Don’t kill yourself. Suicide may be the solution recommend by the AUA, American Undertakers Association, but you can’t let them win this battle.

2^nd: Don’t listen to music. 99% of all songs are about unrequited love and other dreary situations. You never noticed before because life had been so wonderful and carefree, but now all you hear are stories that are eerily similar to your own.

3^rd: Get drunk. Alcohol is the perfect cure for depression. Doctors claim that this leads to addiction, but let’s be honest here: Of course something that makes you feel better is “addictive”!

4^th: Start smoking. I suggest two packs a day. Why? Because there are forty cigarettes in two packs and if you smoke forty cigarettes per day, excluding the hours you are asleep, you can smoke a cigarette every twenty-two minutes. This will increase that chances that you have a cigarette in your mouth when a hot chick passes by. Also keep in mind that the smoke is going to cover up the smell of failure that usually keeps girls far away from you.

5^th:  The most important of all: Don’t stay at home! Go out, even if you are by yourself. If you have been following all of these instructions up until now, 3 and 4 will start to take effect even before you get into the club. Drink more, wait for girls, never make the first move and remember: Don’t be yourself, be somebody that actually is cool!

6^th: And now go out and show us what you are made of. But please, no naked drunken dancing in public!

– Simone la Cuercha (acid like never before)

Psycho Easter

“Simone, I love you, I’ve missed you so much. I‘ve been waiting forever.”

I’ve missed her too; she is wonderful. The night breeze blows past her wonderful red hair. She is beautiful. I go prepare two drinks in the kitchen: I take my time. By the time I go back to the living room, she’s already fallen asleep. I leave the drinks on the crystal table. The nighttime light makes her skin glisten just like the star-filled sky. That’s what I’m thinking about as I cover her with a blanket before falling asleep in my armchair.

I wake up. She wakes me up – to be more precise – and sits on my lap. Then she wraps her arms around me, but there isn’t enough room for her so I hold onto her legs. I don’t want her to fall. We start kissing.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Strange for this time of night. The knocks get louder. I open my eyes and I’m in my bed. Alone. Fuck, I knew it couldn’t be true.

The knocking persists. I get out of bed and throw on a pair of trousers and the first T-shirt I can find, then I open the door and see something odd – remember kids, just say “No!” to drugs. It’s a three feet tall pink rabbit standing in my doorway. “Good morning Mr. La Cuercha!”

I haven’t been sleeping enough lately, “Good morning, who are you?”

“I’m the Easter Bunny,” he replies, “Happy Easter!” I can’t believe it, “How did you find me?”

“Your parents, Mr. la Cuercha, they sent me here to wish you a happy Easter” At eight in the morning… “Here, I have a message for you.”

Good morning Simoncino,

Happy Easter. Don’t forget about your parents, who love you. Stay happy, eat well and take care of yourself!

Mom and Dad

PS Don’t forget to write!

“Well, Mr. Easter Bunny, thank you very much for the time.” And then I have a good idea. “Would you like to stay for lunch, Mr. Easter Bunny?” “Why yes, Mr. la Cuercha, that would be wonderful, I appreciate the offer.”

…one hour later…

And it’s done. Every Easter my mom used to make this fantastic rabbit stew. Today I’ve decided to honor the tradition. Lunch will be done cooking in about four hours. That’s plenty of time to catch up on sleep.

 – Simone la Cuercha

TES Artist of the week IV: Fred Buscaglione

She is beautiful. Tonight I’m seeing in black and white. I jump out of my favorite café to smoke a cigarette and she’s there, walking towards me on the pavement. My jaw drops. She notices but ignores me and keeps walking. As she passes under the street light between us, all I can see is this amazing chick in a red dress, swiftly moving like a gazelle on high heels. When she passes by, I notice her long legs and her short skirt. “Ehi piccola, dai non far la stupida, sai io sono volubile, se non mi baci perdi un’occasion”. [Hey baby, come on, don’t be stupid, you know that I could easily change my mind, if you don’t kiss me now, you’ll lose your chance!]

Well this is not one of Mike’s late night adventures. Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present to you as TES’s fourth Artist of the Week, the most Italian, the most macho, the most misogynous, the one and only Fred Buscaglione!

As if he came out of a noir movie, Fred Buscaglione, an Italian singer, dedicated his entire career to performing Fox Trots and Charlestons, recording hits like “Eri Piccola Così” and “Che bambola”. Why, you may ask, did I pick him? Because Fred is more than just a clown trying to act like a Guido mobster, with a tuxedo, a thin mustache and an ever lit cigarette in his mouth. Fred Buscaglione also sings. He always sings about meeting beautiful women, but his true talent lies not in what he sings about, but how. He chooses the politically incorrect way to tell his stories, always from the macho point of view – the point of view of the man who arrogantly and slickly treats women like objects. He is a real throwback to figures like John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart. Definitely a blast from the past. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado: Fred Buscaglione!

– Simone la Cuercha