“Nobody believes what you say; it’s just your jive talkin’ that gets in the way.”
"I thought you said they would be out all weekend on a fishing trip!"
Because otherwise you might do something stupid with all that extra free time on Saturdays and Sundays.
– The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
Lately the “Saturday Night” part has become more figurative than literal. But rather than apologize, we’ll just pull out our nifty little “artistic license”.
"We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter."
Performing next: the Master of the Extraordinary and the TES Village Idiots!
– The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
Yeah, yeah, I know it isn’t Saturday night any more. But we were a little occupied with other things. However, you can all relax because your weekly jive is finally here. Have fun, you crazy kids!
Why you should always be suspicious of New Year’s Resolutions:
"This year I'm going to do the dishes, take out the trash, wash the car..."
This is what happens when you tell a nerd to relax.
I knew I picked the wrong job:
I should have been a sheikh…
– The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
This holday season, get extra close to your lover…
…Without your arm falling asleep!
Although this would be even better…
While we may not be the brightest bulbs in the box (especially Carlos), five bucks says we’re not the only ones who would “jump in” just to be sure.
Finally, we here at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity, would like to wish you and your family a very merry Christmas (except for your Uncle Herbert, who gives us the creeps)!
– The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
This is a new type of column we are introducing here at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity called “Saturday Night Jives”. Every Saturday evening we are going to post a few of our favorite images, videos and sites that we came across during the previous week. Comments, criticisms, or suggestions for the following week are more than welcome. Enjoy (or I’ll come and find you)!
Can I help you?
Why you never f#$% with the Marines...
Tell your kids: creativity kills.
– The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
So as you may have gleaned from the Master of the Extraordinary’s “kind words”, I have spent the last few months in Brazil. While I won’t go into too many details about my time here (remember what they say about Vegas?), I have found a talented, funny Brazilian writer from the interior of São Paulo, who has agreed to share his own perspective on this tropical paradise that he calls home. Please give a big, warm TES welcome to Mr. João Ferrrari Pinto.
– Carlos de la Gringa
One of the first requests I always get from foreigners is to show off my “soccer moves”. Just because I’m from the country of the jogo bonito, I automatically must have prodigious abilities with a ball. Does nobody realize how annoying that assumption is? It would be like going up to a French guy you met in a hostel and asking him to make you foie gras, quiche and snails for dinner or telling the waiter at the Chinese restaurant that you want to become his disciple and learn the subtle art of Kung Fu.
Not all Brazilians can dribble past twenty defenders before springing into the air and bicycle kicking the ball into the goal. Nor have they all played on professional teams in Europe with the likes of David Beckham and Cristiano Ronaldo. And yet somehow I was always picked first for impromptu games when I was in the US (never mind the fact that I really was better than any of the Americans).
The truth is, I hate soccer. It is a boring low-scoring sport filled with spoiled narcissistic crybabies, who spend more time grooming their hair and shopping for trendy clothes than they do preparing for games. Personally I prefer mixed martial arts. There’s no pretending to fall down or whining to the ref because that big jerk from the other team “touched you”. It’s just two men duking it out to prove who is tougher. Give me Anderson Silva over Pelé any day.
Nonetheless, I still plan on watching Santos (Pelé’s old team) play Barcelona this Sunday in the Club World Cup at 8:30 in the morning. Although this may seem to contradict everything I just wrote, I assure you that it is out of no love for the game that I am waking up at that ungodly hour. Instead, the idea of watching a Brazilian team beat a European team with an Argentinean star is worth upsetting my precious Sunday morning beauty sleep. Moreover, if Barcelona does manage to win, you can be sure that the three Brazilians on their side had something to do with it.
– João Ferrari Pinto
Filed under João Ferrari Pinto
I am pleased to welcome a new columnist to the TES family. He is an expert in his field, occult scare tactics, and even worked for a legendary company (whose name I’m not at liberty to reveal). In addition he has been a good friend of mine for several centuries now and promises to be much more reliable than the other pieces of $#*%, who supposedly worked at this site. So it is with great satisfaction that I present to you: Nix.
– The Master of the Extraordinary
My girlfriend, Euryale, tried to drag me to go see the latest “Twilight” movie the other day using her special girlfriend voodoo:
As I was lying on the couch watching television, she came over and asked, “What do you want to do today?” (I want to lie on the couch and watch tv!) I replied that I didn’t know.
“You know what would be fun? Going out to see a movie together.” Groan. Half-an-hour and several threats to poison my food later, we arrived at the theater.
“What movie do you want to see?” I listed several different action movies, a horror movie, and even a romantic comedy which I might be willing to see as a last resort.
“I really wanted to see ‘Breaking Dawn.’” I rolled my eyes. But she was serious.
“I just wanted to stay at home but I did you the favor of coming out. Now you are telling me that the only movie you want to see is this one!?!?” Euryale started crying.
“We never do anything together. I wanted to spend more time with you.” I begrudgingly conceded.
Five minutes into the movie, I pretended I wasn’t feeling well and headed towards the exit. Then I went across the hall to see the latest Muppets’ movie (Desperate times call for desperate measures!).
When the movie let out, my girlfriend along with about half of the rest of the audience was in tears… over a vampire!
The world is really turning upside down. I never thought I would see the day that some warped individual would reinvent those parasitic worms as hopeless romantics.
You can defend your darling Edward all you want but if you had ever had the displeasure of working with a real life vampire you would be saying something else. Don’t let their stylish façade fool you. They are nothing more than stuck-up zombies who wear fancy capes and ramble on in a weird accent about vaanting to suck your… Never mind.
While they may seem intelligent, sophisticated and refined, they would cut off an arm without a thought for another hit of blood. I once convinced a vampire named Bogdan to wear a collar around his neck, crouch down on all fours and bark like a dog before offering him some blood out of a plastic bowl, which he eagerly lapped up.
Vampires aren’t suave sexy gentleman; they’re the junkies of the supernatural world.
– Nix
Filed under Nix
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