So this week’s tip for getting lucky with the ladies is about: The college education. Or to be more precise: How to fake a college education! Because who has $200,000 to throw around? I certainly don’t, but I still graduated from Harvard. What’s the matter? You don’t think “the Tiger” is smart enough for Harvard? I bet you have a lot more respect for me now, huh? You probably are even starting to feel a bit attracted to me.
Wait, how did I just do that? I lied. It is the easiest thing in the world. Come on, give it a try! The next time you meet a girl just drop the name of a famous institution of higher learning. She’ll never know the difference. It’s not as though she is going to ask to see your diploma. Just memorize some Latin or French lines to recite when she asks what you studied. Girls love that sort of thing. Nothing better than a refined gentleman who has read books written by dead people in foreign languages.
All you need to do now is make up a couple facts and you are good to go. “Did you know that 4th century Mesopotamian farmers revolutionized agricultural yield production with bifurcated piece-meal carbon footprints?” “This reminds me of something the Molocration general Xzu Mala Fassa Lacka once said, ‘Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder but victory is something to be taken with a clenched iron fist!’”
Then of course there is the delivery. You can’t speak like Joe Blow who serviced your car last week. Remember you are a college graduate! You need to sound intelligent, cultured, and condescending. So do yourself a favor and rent every Hugh Grant movie that you can find. Nobody epitomizes all of those traits better than the British.
And just like that you’re a verifiable college graduate with a major in Sophisticology and a minor in Allure. No woman will be able to resist. But don’t thank me, thank the ivy-covered halls I’ve never laid eyes on.
– Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara
Tales of Extraordinary Sanity 