This week TES is proud to bring you for the first time ever, a real-life flesh and blood guest columnist! He hails all the way from the southeast of Brazil and was crazy enough to submit us a column! (If you too would like to write for TES, you can send us your submission at firstname.lastname@example.org.) We’ll try not to laugh too much.
I’m going to talk about something that bothers almost everybody here in Brazil. On any night, it is really common for people to watch television: soup operas, sitcoms, soccer, news, etc. So of course, there are thousands of ads at this time, some less annoying than others. But the absolute worst is the tooth paste ad! Fucking terrible! For those of you who think I’m exaggerating, let me describe a typical ad:
Usually it starts off with this dentist standing in a lab coat, perfectly normal, right? WRONG! Because this dentist is not in his clinic but in the middle of a crazy street. “Why crazy?”, you ask. Because it’s not some small local street but the most famous and busy avenue of the city, with thousands of offices, restaurants, subway stations, buses, cars, and most importantly, people sprinting because they are late! It’s a stressful avenue where nobody stops to give you the time of day. It’s here that we find our dumb-ass dentist.
Then comes the worst part, the part that pisses us Brazilians off. The dentist spots someone in the crowd but not any ordinary person! If it’s a man, he is handsome and muscle-bound, if it’s a woman, she is super-hot with her breasts about to pop out of her shirt, either way they are wealthy and not in the slightest hurry. “So he just stares at them?” NO!!! He goes over and asks them if their teeth are clean, and they actually answer him!! “I think so; I just brushed.”
Then the dentist proposes to check. And the guy or girl smiling like a jerk accepts!!! WHAT!?!? Do you see how crazy this is? A dentist in the middle of a bustling street picks out some attractive stranger and without the slightest greeting or introduction, asks to look into their mouth! Are you kidding me? If somebody tried this in real life, the girl would tell him to fuck off. “Another idiot trying to get my number, life’s so hard when you’re hot!” The guy would wonder, “What does this asshole want? I’m in hurry!” Then the man would threaten to bust open the dentist’s mouth if he didn’t get lost.
In the end it turns out that their teeth are not clean after all. The dentist hands them a tube of tooth paste that will “clean their teeth properly”, and everybody goes off happy.
So let’s see if this works, the next time I want to please a girl, I’m not going to get her jewelry, I’m going to buy her some tooth paste!
– Lucas the Franco S.