This is the response to a reader’s question that I published yesterday:
You’re a carioca, huh? That’s cool… I guess. Or something. Are you going to remind me how marvelous your city is?
What is it with all these Brazilians writing me? It’s ridiculous. Where do you people come from and who taught you how to speak “English”? First they took over Orkut, then they took the Olympics, next thing you know, they’ll be taking things as fundamentally American as the hot dog, steak and beer! I would be outraged if I were an American! But I’m not. Frankly, if you brought your bathing suits, your music and your joie de vivre to the US, I wouldn’t complain. Just keep it down while I’m programming!
Anyways, Maria, Maria, Maria…
They’re right, you know. Your English actually is terrible, horrendous even. I don’t know what you want me to do about it. You people seem to have this notion that just because I’m the Master of the Extraordinary, I am simply going to be able to solve your insignificant little problems. Look, I’m not a relationship counselor, or a speech therapist or a witch doctor (not that you’d know if I were…). The point is I can’t make you learn a language magically.
However, if I were you, I would try to improve my English as quickly as possible: watch tv, read books, “make new friends” (Your boyfriend will understand it’s for the greater good). If you still can’t improve your English, just move back to Brazil. I find it hard to believe that any guy would be able to turn down beach, sun and Brazilian-style fun.
The Master of the Extraordinary
PS Qualquer coisa, esqueça do seu namorado e eu vou para Rio com você.
If you too have another idiotic question for the Master of the Extraordinary, I can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
– The Master of the Extraordinary