And now for our beloved Diet Column, this week TES is going to propose a real diet! I’m sure you’ve already appreciated the miracles of the Cheeseburger Diet and that your night-outs started to be your main source of hilarious anecdotes thanks to the Gin & Tonic Diet. But this week we are going to present the ultimate diet, a diet where you won’t go looking for something to eat ever again. Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present to you: the Cigarette Diet!
What’s so wonderful about this diet? First of all, you can abuse it: smoke as much as you want; your body will to tell you when to stop. Every cigarette is a little piece of satisfaction. It’s the perfect reward for a hard day of work, or a good companion after a quarrel with your spouse.
Plus: smoking helps you save money, because the more you smoke, the less you want to eat. And don’t forget, smoking is the best way to cover up that terrible halitosis that you have had ever since you started the Gin & Tonic Diet.
Plus: smoking exposes you to an almost infinite number of awful diseases that help you to get thinner. There is nothing that gets you slimmer than lung cancer and digestive disorders. And you won’t worry about getting a tan ever again. Your skin will always be yellow thanks to the nicotine. Do you want pale skin? Then smoke even more! The more you inhale, the more blue your blood gets – like Prince William!
We appreciate your concerns. You don’t want to die. But think about it this way, would the government really allow the legal trade of a lethal poison?
So trust us, your favorite magazine! And nowadays, it’s easier to smoke than ever. You can find cigarettes in every gas station at the lowest prices. And with the taxes on your cigarettes, you will be supporting our boys on the front that are fighting for our freedom.
So, do the right thing: start smoking!
– Simone la Cuercha