Today, I thought that I would give you an update on my strike. I don’t know if you remember but it’s been almost three weeks now since I declared war on sleep, disgusted with the cruel corrupt grip it has over all of us. And the fight has been going surprisingly well. It’s been over a week since I last blinked. I’ve been very loyal to the cause in all aspects.
But, the greatest thing about this strike is that through it, I’ve met the love of my life: Caffeine. She’s absolutely wonderful. She is always there for me when I need her. Whether I’m in the mood for an Irish Breakfast or I just want it black, she always knows exactly how to please me. And did I mention she’s hot?
I remember when I was opposed to doing something like this. I said that real men didn’t need help to get themselves out of bed in the morning. But ever since I got involved in this strike, I’ve been slurping her down like crazy. Yesterday she even introduced me to some Argentinean stuff called yerba mate. Man, that $#!% gets you so wired. I’ve never felt so alive in my life. It was like I was flying. My house was so tiny from way up in the sky and everybody looked like ants ….like talking flesh-covered ants.
But my comrades just don’t understand her the way I do. They’ve even accused me of cheating on the cause because of her. They say that I should just end things before it’s too late. But that’s nonsense. We’re in love. We’re supposed to be together forever. Nobody can keep us apart, not Old Man Sleep, not my friends, not my family, not Santa Claus, not even almighty Zeus himself! Do you hear that f^&%*($, she’s mine, ALL MINE!!!…..
….do you wanna do some jumping jacks with me??….
– Carlos de la Gringa