In Defense of Carnivores

I just keep making things worse for myself. People already think I’m a drunken party animal and a perverted deviant, do I really want them to think that I’m a murderer too? I should just quit while I’m ahead. I’m going to alienate the few fans I still have. I’m going to… Fuck it, I love meat too much!

Look, I have no problems with vegetarians. If they don’t want to eat meat that’s great, more for me!! I promise not to make fun of them. Just don’t try to get between me and my food. Don’t you know what happens if you stick your hand inside a dog’s bowl when he’s eating??

I’m a carnivore and I’m proud of it. Why? Because it tastes good! In my mind there is nothing better than gorging myself at a good Brazilian steakhouse (have you ever tried picanha?), unless it’s stuffing myself with lobster rolls in Maine. And you would take this away from me?

I know, I know, I’m a selfish bastard. I’ll be the first to admit it. I was the asshole who didn’t cry when they shot Bambi’s mom. I was the maladjusted kid who always cheered on Tom, hoping that this episode he would finally catch Jerry. The poor cat only wanted to eat.

Let’s face it, carnivores are just cooler than vegetarians. How many of you wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex or a Velociraptor when you were a kid? And how many of you wanted to be a Stegosaurus or a Brontasaurus? Hell, the Brontasaurus was so lame that they eventually decided that he didn’t exist.

If a T-rex gets to eat meat why not me? But Carlos, you can survive without eating meat and he can’t. You’re an omnivore; you have a choice. Alright, you’ve got me there. I’ll stop eating meat. You will? Yes. On one condition. Anything Carlos! Convince my friend the grizzly bear to stop eating meat first.

– Carlos de la Gringa



Filed under Carlos de la Gringa, In Defense of...

6 responses to “In Defense of Carnivores

  1. Giorgio Calderolla

    I love picking on the vegetarians! If I may add:
    Being omnivore doesn’t mean you have a choice. Quoting wikipedia (emphasis added):
    Omnivores (from Latin: omni all, everything; vorare to devour) are species that eat both plants and animals as their primary food source.
    See? Both!

  2. Carolina Devens

    Ok, I love meat too, but…
    Don’t cry when they shot Bambi’s mom! It’s cruel…
    snif snif

  3. Ashley

    Just want to bring to light this little tid bit: Humans ARE animals, therefore this is obsolete. Very cute though, nice try. 🙂

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