The Diet Column – Cheeseburger

Are you skinny? Are you so slim that you look transparent? Do you wonder if that dude even knows that you exist? Yes, the guy with large shoulders that  takes the train every day at the same time as you. Remember that crazy chick that always takes a cigarette break in front of your Starbucks? Does she look at every guy that walks by except you? Do you think that’s because you don’t have enough mass? So what are you waiting for? We live in a country blessed by God, where the poorest of men can have bread, cheese and meat for a few bucks. We live in the USA. What are you waiting for? Let’s get started!

You just have to eat three cheeseburgers a day without fail. Every single day, I’m not joking, even weekends. Eat three cheeseburgers even if you’re not hungry. And don’t even think about going to the bathroom to puke. Our special team of bulimic guards are waiting behind the door ready to kick the shit “into” you. It’s impossible to get results without determination: we are going to get fatter or die trying. Give it a few weeks. When your liver starts to collapse and your pants start to feel tighter and tighter, take a look in the mirror and admire those wonderful love-handles that will be there at the side of your hips. Guys love having something to hold onto. It’s even the best way to enlarge your breasts naturally! Cheeseburgers! Get all the varieties of fat your body needs, with juicy morsels of awesome – and cholesterol. Or even go for a Muslim/Jewish nightmare: pile on some bacon, the perfect sin!

Cheeseburger diet! The best sandwich ever invented, three times a day.

In just two months you’ll start seeing results. And when you’re there shitting your soul out on the toilet, praying that you had never been born, remember that there is no beauty without suffering. This is &*%%$ -ing worth it because as my uncle always used to say,

“Nobody wants to fuck a bag of bones”.

– Simone la Cuercha

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3 Comments

Filed under Simone la Cuercha, The Diet Column

3 responses to “The Diet Column – Cheeseburger

  1. Helen

    That’s it!
    The Bacon perfume is definitely for you and you alone.
    I’ll have one sent to your office!

  2. Pingback: The Diet Column – Cigarette | Tales of Extraordinary Sanity

  3. Pingback: The Diet Column – Chocolate | Tales of Extraordinary Sanity

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