What Women “Do”

Men think that they know what women want. They even think that they know everything that we do and that we’re capable of doing. Feeling strengthened by my womanly power, I decided to use my sway to once again write on the pages of this disgusting daily magazine. I hate TES!

- Dr. Jane Smith

Women drink from straws and not directly out of the glass (we’re not pigs after all) so as not to ruin our lipstick and to make sure we always look gorgeous. On second thought, women don’t suck at all, neither from a straw nor in their outlook. We are wonderful and beautiful like princesses. And this brings me to my next point.

Women – especially blondes – are princesses and for this reason, they don’t poop or fart like all of you lowly peasants. However, we do still pee.

Women love to talk. If it were up to us, we would always talk, especially among our girlfriends. This is why we go to the bathroom in packs so that the conversation never ends.

‘No’ is the preferred response to a woman’s question. “Am I fat?” “NO!” “Am I ugly?” “NO!” “Do I talk too much?” “NO!”

“Are you sure?” “YES!” ‘Yes’ is a woman’s second favorite response.

N.B.: the time that passes between a question and its answer is of utmost importance. Actually there shouldn’t be any pause at all. Women are not as stupid as you idiotic guys seem to think. If you are hesitating that means you are thinking about your answer. It means that you are going to say the truth, and if there is one thing that women hate, it’s the truth. We already know the truth, you moron! We are asking you for reassurance, not to be told what we already know.

Women love to have our loved one’s attention. So if you are wondering why you can never go out with your friends for a beer, or play for 30 minutes with the latest app you bought for your iPhone, it’s because you are not paying enough attention to your girlfriend.

‘‘Enough’’ in every woman’s dictionary is a synonym of “always”, “completely”, “all the time,” “again” and “a lot”. So if your girlfriend says that you are not paying enough attention to her, then move your ass. She needs you. That means now. And that means “again” because it’s “all the time”.  Stop reading this stupid daily, and go do something for her.

- Dr. Jane Smith

Help! A Hot Chick was Abducted by Aliens

That’s right, I’m back! Mike is on the job once again. I knew they would come crawling back. They always do. I’m just that awesome. They should sell cans with my face on them and call them “Awesome n’ a Can.” They could make a million bucks off that shit. Honestly, I don’t understand why I don’t see my face in more places. I’m a damn good looking man, if I do say so myself. Moreover, after telling our editor about the alien abduction, he practically begged me to come back.* I mean it’s literary gold.

It all began last Saturday evening after I started making out with this really hot girl I met at a bar (What can I say? The ladies love me). Anyways, our tongues were getting quite the workout, when I decided that it was time to move onto the main course. So I drove her back to my pad in my yellow Maserati.

We get right into the thick of things and it’s going great – I’m a machine! Anyhow, about 70 minutes later, she asks me for an aspirin. So I go to the bathroom to look for one but when I get back, she’s vanished. Now I know she was enjoying herself because I saw her texting a friend, saying how amazing I was. Therefore the only logical conclusion is that she must have been abducted by aliens. Why else would somebody miss out on round two? I’m the Mo*#&r-F#&^##ng Tiger!

So this article is a warning for all you ladies. Watch out for little green men!

-Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

*Ed. Please, this idiot came to me in tears, whining about how unfair life is and how it wasn’t his fault that he had bitched out our entire staff. I only let him write this article because I felt bad for the guy.

What the world needs now are new super-heroines

So apparently some of our readers were offended by some of the things we’ve written here at TES. A group called WTF (Women Thinking Freely) contacted us, threatening to sue if we don’t allow them to express their views on our site.  Since our lawyer is on vacation at Rikers Island, we decided to let the notorious sociologist Dr. Jane Smith write today’s article.

– The Master of the Extraordinary

In a world dominated by the Hollywood capitalist machine, a cosmogony of ridiculous macho divinities, chimerical fusions of Tarzans and savage arachnids, shares the sky with flying idiots in red cloaks, perverse John Wayne wannabes who fight against a supposed “communist menace”. Women don’t need a cosmos of blind oppressive defenders of justice chasing after buxom unscrupulous vampires that spend their nights on street corners.

I want to believe that somewhere, somehow, somebody special is waiting for the right moment to make their presence known. The feminist miracle won’t be silenced, and finally empowered wonder-women and super-ladies will appear flying in the sky in all their splendor. We women of the future need new role models, strong sculptured hardened women, immune to the tyranny of the lies of “romance” and “true love”. Women that know what they want and aren’t afraid to crush their immature and intellectually devoid oppressors in order to get it.

We don’t need losers who only complain about their dull ordinary lives and don’t give us the attention that we deserve. It’s time to say no! The age of super-women is upon us. Come on girls, let’s take flight!

- Dr. Jane Smith

The Day I Fell in Love with Romance Novels

A pile of romance novels from the 80s lies in front of me.  Suddenly I’m flooded with memories of high school: our PE instructor hiding whatever she was reading when the guys would arrive for gym class and female classmates blushing and laughing while they read books together in closed circles during recess. I remember, as a young boy at the beach, seeing a topless lady reading that same “impossible love crap”, relaxing with her sunglasses on and a cigarette in her mouth. And then I understand what this big pile of trashy books is trying to telling me.

I should write pornography for women!

I can copy some shit here, paste some shit there.  Our hero, Armando Mendoza, is a sensitive Spanish gentleman, romantic but strong, sure of what he wants. He is the type of guy that seems almost plausible but yet impossible to find in real life. One day Armando runs into Anita, who never has met a man like Armando before. She is awkward and insecure, but Armando gives her everything she has ever dreamed. A few sex scenes: everything soft. All psychological introspection and sensations and bla bla bla. And here we are. That’s some good shit. I could even turn it into a trilogy. No, wait! An entire series!

I’ll become a national bestseller. I’ll be in every girl’s bedroom! Waiting under the pillow to be read!  A good friend, always willing to help in those private moments in the bathtub, somebody who will never let you down. I can see it now. Easy money and fame. And lots of free time. Screw it, I’m going to become a romantic novel writer! Why should I work my ass off and suck up to everyone, only to get fucked over by somebody higher up?

Fuck everything, screw everybody: from now on, Simone la Cuercha is a freelance writer of cheeky sensational romance novels!

- Simone la Cuercha

-Ed. Let us know what your favorite romance novel is in the comment’s section below.  We won’t tell!

Glass or straw: the Survey

I lost a tooth. My left foot hurts. When three girls in yellow and black arrived – fucking “Kill Bill” fans, they didn’t even let me finish the question. “If we see you here again tomorrow, we’ll cut it off, you got me, funny guy?!?” One of them stomped on my belly 3 times – I still have the marks from those high heels and a bump on my head from where she hit me with my notebook.

That’s the last time I try to conduct a survey. But guys, seriously, aren’t you curious why men drink directly from the glass, while women prefer to suck it up with a straw? “Pervert, worm!” Two days later and I already wanted to quit. “But it’s completely anonymous…” “Prick, idiot! You asshole, you are disgusting!” And again, “Pervert, stay away from me”.

I even asked a tall hairy woman with a tattoo on her arm. Her name is Lulu.

“If you want honey, come with me upstairs and I’ll show you.” Really, what’s up with you people? It’s a normal question! And what’s all this nonsense and violence?!?

“Please, come upstairs…” “No, Lulu!”

And this is the final straw. I quit!

One hour later.

“I’m sorry, miss, can I ask you a question? We are trying to conduct a survey. It’s for my sociology class. Do you prefer to drink directly from the glass or with a straw?”

She winks at me, “I am sorry; I drink from the bottle,” and she leaves.

Gosh, I am in love.

- Simone la Cuercha