There are times in life when…

It’s a gloomy day outside. One of those days where you just sit and reflect on those special times in life.

There are times in life when you wake up at six in the morning, because your phone thinks that it’s already eight in the morning. Then you realize that it’s not your cell phone’s fault at all but your own for setting it to the wrong time. And this is the second time that you have woken up too early. Because the day before, someone called you at four in the morning to sell you a fridge at the “incredibly low price” of  fifty dollars including taxes.

There are times in life when you want everything to be perfect, but everything goes completely wrong. Like when you were helping your friend Paul to organize a surprise party for his girlfriend and suddenly she comes inside the apartment with another dude. “Don’t worry honey, nobody is going to bother us. That shit-bag  boyfriend of mine went out of town, he won’t be back until tomorrow. Can you believe that he forgot about my birthday?”

There are times in life when you want everything not to be true, and thank god that it wasn’t! The dude with Paul’s girlfriend in reality was her friend Silvia, a six-foot-two woman with large shoulders and a pale white mustache who was keeping Paul’s girlfriend company since she was alone on her birthday.

There are times in life when Paul wakes up in the morning with a girl, who looks an awful lot like Silvia, lying next to him because he drank too much at the surprise party. But there are also times in life when you wake up and everything seems perfect. You get up and go to the fridge to grab some milk for your coffee. And the milk is there, waiting for you. You don’t have to go out in the rain to buy some. Everything is perfect!

And there are also times in life when you need to run to the bathroom because the coffee you heated up in the microwave this morning was the same coffee that you made two weeks ago, and you have a pretty good idea of what will happen if you don’t make it to the toilet in time.

I am sorry. I have to run!

- Simone la Cuercha

Quack, Quack!

“Quack, quack!” I wake up, look down and there is a duck with her little ducklings swimming around my bed.

I know what you are thinking. “Simone, you have to stop this, we are tired of your stories about hallucinations. Seriously, dude, we don’t know what you’ve been smoking but you gotta stop. Go and tell them to some stranger in a pub or your favorite crack house, but stop pulling this shit with us and write something real.”

And you know what? “You’re right, I have to stop writing this stuff all the time. Because the good Lord – the Master of Extraordinary, that is – wants the next Diet Column. But I’m sorry, I just can’t today. I need to talk about yet another incredible morning.

So, there are ducklings in my bedroom. I put my feet on the floor, and it’s wet. Is this a hallucination? It’s real water! Then I go to the bathroom. I look outside. Apparently my house is surrounded by what an English speaker would call a lake… My garden is an ocean and the tree in my backyard is a giant tropical plant. I go to the front door and open it, still in my flip-flops and pajamas. “Fuck…”

There are cars stuck on the street. Water is everywhere. There is no chance of survival. People run through the water and break into abandoned houses to rob the few things that the flood spared. Police cars try to patrol, but they are all stuck in the mud. It’s total anarchy! And then there are all these blondes dressed up to go jogging in the water with iPods attached to their arms as if nothing had happened.

And maybe I’m exaggerating a bit. And I am kinda pissed off. Why, you might ask? Because when I woke up, all of my stuff was ruined; apparently, people here have never heard of a little thing called rain. And since they didn’t build the houses the right way sooner or later there was bound to be a flood. But this isn’t a third world country I’m writing about or some nation plagued by the monsoons. I am writing from upstate New York!!! But it could be worse, at least it’s not Alabama…

- Simone la Cuercha

Just Another Rainy Sunday….

I love rain!  I admit it.  I absolutely love rain.  I know how weird this may sound coming from the same person who wrote about his hatred of snow and the cold, but it’s true. I love rain in all its forms.

I love the “early morning drizzle” rain when you’ve just left your house. Everything is damp and tranquil, and there is a light fog hovering from above.  One of those mysterious mornings where you half expect to stumble upon a lost magical village in the Highlands of Scotland on your way to work or run into a band of undead pirates who recruit you to help them find a boundless cache of buried treasure.

Then there is the “hot muggy day” rain. That rain at the peak of summer during the week when all the heat records going back to 1892, when records were first kept, were broken. That day of deliverance, when every leaf, stem and root’s prayer was heard and the parched earth finally received its long awaited respite. Those are the days that I want to sprint out of my house and dance around with my hands lifted up towards the heavens in thanks (yep, that crazy person you saw was me!). Those are the days I want to call all my friends for an impromptu game of soccer and get everything covered in mud.  Those are the days that I simply want to lie down in the grass taking it all in, until you can’t tell where water starts and little boy ends.

But my absolute favorite rain is that “dark peaceful Sunday afternoon” rain.  That rain where you don’t get out of bed until three in the afternoon and you never bother leaving the house or doing anything productive whatsoever. That rain where all you want to do is spend the day on the couch with somebody you love, an enormous old quilted blanket, a bag of popcorn, and a stack of classic movies in black and white.

- Carlos de la Gringa

Genesis of Winter

1 On the eighth day the LORD decided that resting was actually really nice, thank you very much!

2 But there were so many things to do and so little time.  Could He really afford to take a break more than once a week?

3 Then He had a brilliant idea (which isn’t all that surprising, now is it?).

4 So the LORD said, Let there be less light.  And the LORD saw that it was good.

5 Then all the plants started shivering and their leaves began to fall off and the land everywhere turned an unsightly grayish brown.

6 So the LORD created snow to cover everything in a beautiful white, and He created wind to disperse the snow across the four corners of the globe (except for the Caribbean where He was resting in His beach house).

7 But the LORD grew tired of only seeing white all the time.  Indeed, it was a bit depressing.

8 So after three months had passed, He let there be more light again.

9 And the plants grew new leaves and all the animals emerged from their hollows and were very fruitful and multiplied (the poor horny critters had to make up for lost time).  And the Lord saw that it was good.

10 However, since the LORD had enjoyed those three months of rest so much, he decided to do it again every year.  And He called it winter.

_________________

That seems plausible, right?  Why else would somebody come up with such a miserable time of year?

PS If You are reading this, have I ever told You how much I like You and how much I admire Your wonderful sense of humor?  Also, can You make it stop snowing, please!?  I’m getting a little bit cold here…..

- Carlos de la Gringa