Saturday Night Jives: Jive in the New Year

Yeah, yeah, I know it isn’t Saturday night any more. But we were a little occupied with other things. However, you can all relax because your weekly jive is finally here. Have fun, you crazy kids!

Why you should always be suspicious of New Year’s Resolutions:

"This year I'm going to do the dishes, take out the trash, wash the car..."

This is what happens when you tell a nerd to relax.

I knew I picked the wrong job:

I should have been a sheikh…

- The Master of the Extraordinary

A Once in a Lifetime Apology

Dear TES-Faithful,

Back in June I would never have imagined that this day could come… And yet, here I am, the Master of the Extraordinary, extending a most sincere apology to all of our loyal readers who have put up with our unnecessarily long hiatus from the hallowed pages of the legendary institution that is Tales of Extraordinary Sanity.

But then again, I also would never have guessed that Simone would suddenly go back to Italy without the slightest warning to complete his “studies” or that Carlos would run off to Brazil to find “true love”. It just proves the weak, despicable and down right disgusting nature of the people I’ve had to work with here at TES in order to bring you your beloved articles. This is the last time I ever agree to work with humans.

Anyways, we’re back. Although we will no longer be publishing articles every day, according to the Internal Revenue Service we are still considered a daily. So get excited because we have some new columns lined up for you as well as the typical TES content you’ve come to love and expect.

 

Extraordinarily Yours,

 

- The Master of the Extraordinary

 

PS. Rest assured that those responsible for our extended absence will be adequately punished.

Please, if you read this article…

Guys, I am stuck in my office. I was planning to drop everything and join Carlos for a long weekend at the beach and get away from the terrible weather here. I’ve been sick for six days with a runny nose ( I’ve gone through a million trees in tissues, blowing my nose), a sore throat (it’s been hurting like hell and is covered in disgusting green and yellow pustules) and a chough (I even quit smoking, and now I’m coughing out twenty years of swollen shit from my lungs). And what’s worse, I don’t even have a fever. But I don’t trust doctors. I don’t even know why I bothered going to a “professional” who charged me $50 just to tell me that I’ve got a common cold. “Thank you, Dr. House”.

I need that fresh sea breeze. I feel like I’m slowly dying up here. That’s why I planned this secret getaway in the first place. The only trouble with it being “secret” is: nobody knows that I’m stuck here in the office tonight trying to do extra work. The cleaning lady locked me inside and, right on schedule, she turned the heat off at 6:30 PM. Now I’m freezing my @$$ off. I wrote the Master of the Extraordinary an email but he won’t reply to me. I’m afraid he is mad after discovering my plan to leave Thursday night. Please, this is an SOS: if you can stop by my office and rescue me, please do! I’m afraid that with this cold and with no food or water my health will only deteriorate. The office address is ###################################, USA.

- Simone la Cuercha

Here we see the consequences of taking a day off without asking me. That’s right, it’s me, the Master of the Extraordinary. I published this article, with the address censored of course, only to show you what kind of people I have to work with. They are even willing to use Tales of Extraordinary Sanity to solve their own personal  problems. And don’t worry about Simone, he will survive for one night. He has all weekend to recover from his “cold” and work on getting his dignity back. As for Carlos and his little escapade to the beach, rest assured that there will be consequences. Justice once again shall be served.

- The Master of Extraordinary

Stuck at the Beach

So I guess I owe everybody an apology. I probably should have prepared some articles before I disappeared. But I didn’t. It was a last minute thing anyways. I just really needed a break. I hopped in a car and headed for the beach without telling anyone. Sorry.

It really is beautiful here. Lounging in the sand, staring at the waves, taking in the sun, a beer in one hand, a novel in the other. The good life! What do we need civilization for when we have this? This is how life is supposed to be lived, embracing nature in all it’s glory. No rules, no worries, and not a car in sight…. Well, except for mine.

Ok, I get it. I should know better. I’m a mature adult; I should have thought before I decided to drive straight out onto the beach. Or at least looked up the right tire pressure beforehand. But no, I have All-Wheel drive, I’ll be fine. What’s the worst that could happen?

Twenty minutes later and my wheels have dug huge cavernous holes in the ground, but the car itself isn’t going anywhere. I get out and start pushing. Come on car! You can do it! My car simply laughs and puffs out some exhaust. What about all those great times we’ve had together, all those late night trips on long lonely back roads? Or all the times I took you to the mechanic when you were feeling ill? Doesn’t that mean anything to you? Come on, help me out here!

So here I am, relaxing at the beach, trying to get as tan as my pale complexion will allow. Waiting for the tide to come and drag my car out to sea. Waiting for the tide to come and drag my wallet out to sea.

Maybe civilization isn’t so bad. Just please come tow my car already!

- Carlos de la Gringa