There is nothing funnier in life than death, especially those deaths that occur under weird stupid circumstances. Indeed it is surprising how often this happens. For this reason TES is always working hard to satisfy your desires for morbidly depraved nonsense. Our eager team of investigators is down in the streets 24/7, chasing leads no matter where they take us. That’s why I am glad to present the newest member of the TES writing staff: Irving Scott and his column: “Chronicles from the Darker Side.”
- The Master of the Extraordinary
Today’s case took place at the University of Springfield. Doctor Johnson, a senior professor of dietetics who had worked for the University for more than 20 years and who was a well known and respected member of the community, died yesterday morning during his class presentation on water.
Doctor Johnson was trying to explain to the students the numerous health benefits derived from drinking water. Before the presentation, the company Estonian Spring had even offered free bottles of water to the students, who were all unaware of the existence of such an important element of their alimentation. Only one student out of several dozen had declared that he consumed water and even so, only when neither soda nor liquor was available.
Unfortunately during his presentation Doctor Johnson started to cough. Doctor Johnson continued coughing louder and louder, and then completely exhausted, he began choking. Students sat silently and watched not knowing how to help their professor. A perplexed student reported that his last words were: “Please, may I have a glass of water?”
When questioned about the events, Sheriff Christian Agato declared, “Apparently […] students were clueless as to how to save their beloved professor. There were no glasses in the room and nobody knew what to do with all those water bottles… The widow, Mrs. Johnson, in a press conference a few days later, stated her intention to sue Estonian Spring for not including safety labels affirming that “these bottles are good for consumption.”
Hopefully, justice will be served swiftly and this unfortunate matter will be laid to rest so that we can all reflect on its meaning in our own special ways. In the mean time, police have begun searching for possible suspects in the murder, but it is hard to imagine that the true culprit will be found in such a strange tragic death.
- Irving Scott
So this week’s tip for getting lucky with the ladies is about: The college education. Or to be more precise: How to fake a college education! Because who has $200,000 to throw around? I certainly don’t, but I still graduated from Harvard. What’s the matter? You don’t think “the Tiger” is smart enough for Harvard? I bet you have a lot more respect for me now, huh? You probably are even starting to feel a bit attracted to me.
