My Precious Caffeine

Today, I thought that I would give you an update on my strike. I don’t know if you remember but it’s been almost three weeks now since I declared war on sleep, disgusted with the cruel corrupt grip it has over all of us. And the fight has been going surprisingly well. It’s been over a week since I last blinked. I’ve been very loyal to the cause in all aspects.

But, the greatest thing about this strike is that through it, I’ve met the love of my life: Caffeine. She’s absolutely wonderful. She is always there for me when I need her. Whether I’m in the mood for an Irish Breakfast or I just want it black, she always knows exactly how to please me. And did I mention she’s hot?

I remember when I was opposed to doing something like this. I said that real men didn’t need help to get themselves out of bed in the morning. But ever since I got involved in this strike, I’ve been slurping her down like crazy. Yesterday she even introduced me to some Argentinean stuff called yerba mate. Man, that $#!% gets you so wired. I’ve never felt so alive in my life. It was like I was flying. My house was so tiny from way up in the sky and everybody looked like ants  ….like talking flesh-covered ants.

But my comrades just don’t understand her the way I do. They’ve even accused me of cheating on the cause because of her. They say that I should just end things before it’s too late. But that’s nonsense. We’re in love. We’re supposed to be together forever. Nobody can keep us apart, not Old Man Sleep, not my friends, not my family, not Santa Claus, not even almighty Zeus himself!  Do you hear that f^&%*($, she’s mine, ALL MINE!!!…..

….do you wanna do some jumping jacks with me??….

- Carlos de la Gringa

Psycho Easter

“Simone, I love you, I’ve missed you so much. I‘ve been waiting forever.”

I’ve missed her too; she is wonderful. The night breeze blows past her wonderful red hair. She is beautiful. I go prepare two drinks in the kitchen: I take my time. By the time I go back to the living room, she’s already fallen asleep. I leave the drinks on the crystal table. The nighttime light makes her skin glisten just like the star-filled sky. That’s what I’m thinking about as I cover her with a blanket before falling asleep in my armchair.

I wake up. She wakes me up – to be more precise – and sits on my lap. Then she wraps her arms around me, but there isn’t enough room for her so I hold onto her legs. I don’t want her to fall. We start kissing.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Strange for this time of night. The knocks get louder. I open my eyes and I’m in my bed. Alone. Fuck, I knew it couldn’t be true.

The knocking persists. I get out of bed and throw on a pair of trousers and the first T-shirt I can find, then I open the door and see something odd – remember kids, just say “No!” to drugs. It’s a three feet tall pink rabbit standing in my doorway. “Good morning Mr. La Cuercha!”

I haven’t been sleeping enough lately, “Good morning, who are you?”

“I’m the Easter Bunny,” he replies, “Happy Easter!” I can’t believe it, “How did you find me?”

“Your parents, Mr. la Cuercha, they sent me here to wish you a happy Easter” At eight in the morning… “Here, I have a message for you.”

Good morning Simoncino,

Happy Easter. Don’t forget about your parents, who love you. Stay happy, eat well and take care of yourself!

Mom and Dad

PS Don’t forget to write!

“Well, Mr. Easter Bunny, thank you very much for the time.” And then I have a good idea. “Would you like to stay for lunch, Mr. Easter Bunny?” “Why yes, Mr. la Cuercha, that would be wonderful, I appreciate the offer.”

…one hour later…

And it’s done. Every Easter my mom used to make this fantastic rabbit stew. Today I’ve decided to honor the tradition. Lunch will be done cooking in about four hours. That’s plenty of time to catch up on sleep.

 - Simone la Cuercha

Sleep Strike!

That’s right, you read correctly. I’m going on strike! I’m tired of falling asleep whenever someone talks to me. I’m tired of forcing my eyes to stay open and focused on this computer screen. I’m tired of waking up in the morning feeling like shit, even after a full night’s rest.

I’ve decided to go on strike. I have way too many things going on in my life to waste time sleeping. It’s bad enough we only get 24 hours in a day, but on top of that we’re expected to sleep eight of them. Give me a break! It would be one thing if it were only four hours but eight (hell, sometimes it’s even ten)!? You would think that sleep ruled our lives.  Well, I’m fed up!  No more sleeping until this outrageous calamity is resolved.

What’s more, I plan to take full advantage of my newfound free time: catching up on my reading list, watching the news, getting addicted to WoW, making new friends, finding a new girlfriend (or a second one!), learning how to cook, teaching myself Finnish, becoming the backup field goal kicker for the Texans, doing some writing that isn’t complete bullshit, watching the entire series of Lost, downloading p…  I’ll have time for so many new and exciting things. This is going to be wonderful.

Now you may ask: Carlos, how are you planning to stay awake for more than two days straight without turning into a zombie? Oh ye of little faith, doubting Thomases the lot of ye! Never underestimate the power of determination and will-power. While the path I’m taking may be long and hard, I shall triumph because my cause is just!

And if that doesn’t work, there is always coffee.

- Carlos de la Gringa

-Ed. What would you do with eight extras hours in your day?  Let us know in the comment section below.