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The Diet Column – The Junk Food Die(t)

Have you ever noticed that if you take away the ‘t’ from ‘diet’, you are left with the word ‘die’?

I know that I am late with the diet column, but I wanted to be sure that it really works this time. That’s why I bought myself a Conscience last week. Conscience is a little monkey that has been testing cigarettes in a laboratory since he was 5 years old. They gave him to me for half-off! Fortunately, except for the whole smoking thing, Conscience is completely healthy. With his help, we have been able to finalize the testing of our latest diet, and now the results are ready to be published. Thank you Conscience!

Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present: The Junk Food Diet! Yes! They always told you that it’s bad to eat candy, that soda is terrible for your digestion, that those delicious chocolate bars are the absolute worst for your appendix, and that all those chips are going to make you fat. They even made you afraid of the word ‘fat’!

Let me tell you a secret: It’s all a load of hooey. I am not saying that junk food is healthy. I am not even saying that fat is good, all I am saying is that there is a reason why the government still allows junk food to be sold in spite of findings proving its harmful consequences. The truth is that they could care less about your health. It’s impossible to stop cholesterol. Nowadays cholesterol is everywhere. Why do you think there are labels on water bottles telling us that they contain 0 g of cholesterol? Because they have to lie to us. We are condemned to be overweight.

The good news is that there is one positive effect of eating junk food: When consumed in high quantities, it is a powerful unstoppable laxative. You heard me right, it’s impossible for the body to absorb! So here is the plan: Go out and buy as much junk food as you possibly can, but remember: Only junk food! Natural or organic produce could inhibit the healthy effects. You should start to see results within a few days.

- Simone la Cuercha

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