This holday season, get extra close to your lover…
…Without your arm falling asleep!
Although this would be even better…
While we may not be the brightest bulbs in the box (especially Carlos), five bucks says we’re not the only ones who would “jump in” just to be sure.
Finally, we here at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity, would like to wish you and your family a very merry Christmas (except for your Uncle Herbert, who gives us the creeps)!
- The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
It’s four in the morning and I’m still awake. I have had quite a busy day of lying around doing nothing and there just hasn’t been time to write until now. So, what’s a good four in the morning story? Let’s see here….
It was four in the morning and Martin was tossing and turning in bed. He tried to fall asleep but all he could think about was the last conversation he had had with Jessica. Was she really going to marry that one-eyed, one-armed Serbian juggler she had met at the Cirque du Soleil? Didn’t that passionate weekend in West Virginia mean anything to her?
It was four in the morning. Exactly four hours since she slammed the door in his face, rejecting his advances. Four days since he had found out that his dog had cancer. Four months since he scored a 440 on the GMAT. Four years of college spent studying his ass off and for what? He had no job, and he was still alone thanks to four different girls, who had all left him for circus folk. Four, four, four, four….
Martin imagined all the different fours floating around his head, taunting him. Suddenly they started chirping loudly. “#%$@&!” The birds had already woken up and were preparing to recommence their perpetual search for those ever elusive worms. Now how was he supposed to sleep? Sometimes he wished he could just sprout a pair of wings and fly away, leaving all of his problems behind.
He decided to go for a walk in order to clear his head. About forty minutes later, he reached the Palm Mangroves Golf Course at 44th St and Broad. Suddenly he heard a strange noise. Behind a golf cart he noticed a German Shepherd joyfully mounting a little toy poodle. Martin couldn’t help but think of Jessica and that Serbian juggler. Life just wasn’t fair.
As he pondered the inhumanity of it all, he had the faintest impression that someone was taunting him with that number again. He looked up just in time to see a white projectile zooming towards him.
…….
They were back again, and this time he didn’t try to ignore them as they danced around his head. Four, four, four, four….
- Carlos de la Gringa
Filed under Carlos de la Gringa, Random Musing
Today, I thought that I would give you an update on my strike. I don’t know if you remember but it’s been almost three weeks now since I declared war on sleep, disgusted with the cruel corrupt grip it has over all of us. And the fight has been going surprisingly well. It’s been over a week since I last blinked. I’ve been very loyal to the cause in all aspects.
But, the greatest thing about this strike is that through it, I’ve met the love of my life: Caffeine. She’s absolutely wonderful. She is always there for me when I need her. Whether I’m in the mood for an Irish Breakfast or I just want it black, she always knows exactly how to please me. And did I mention she’s hot?
I remember when I was opposed to doing something like this. I said that real men didn’t need help to get themselves out of bed in the morning. But ever since I got involved in this strike, I’ve been slurping her down like crazy. Yesterday she even introduced me to some Argentinean stuff called yerba mate. Man, that $#!% gets you so wired. I’ve never felt so alive in my life. It was like I was flying. My house was so tiny from way up in the sky and everybody looked like ants ….like talking flesh-covered ants.
But my comrades just don’t understand her the way I do. They’ve even accused me of cheating on the cause because of her. They say that I should just end things before it’s too late. But that’s nonsense. We’re in love. We’re supposed to be together forever. Nobody can keep us apart, not Old Man Sleep, not my friends, not my family, not Santa Claus, not even almighty Zeus himself! Do you hear that f^&%*($, she’s mine, ALL MINE!!!…..
….do you wanna do some jumping jacks with me??….
- Carlos de la Gringa
Filed under Carlos de la Gringa, Random Musing
“Simone, I love you, I’ve missed you so much. I‘ve been waiting forever.”
I’ve missed her too; she is wonderful. The night breeze blows past her wonderful red hair. She is beautiful. I go prepare two drinks in the kitchen: I take my time. By the time I go back to the living room, she’s already fallen asleep. I leave the drinks on the crystal table. The nighttime light makes her skin glisten just like the star-filled sky. That’s what I’m thinking about as I cover her with a blanket before falling asleep in my armchair.
I wake up. She wakes me up – to be more precise – and sits on my lap. Then she wraps her arms around me, but there isn’t enough room for her so I hold onto her legs. I don’t want her to fall. We start kissing.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Strange for this time of night. The knocks get louder. I open my eyes and I’m in my bed. Alone. Fuck, I knew it couldn’t be true.
The knocking persists. I get out of bed and throw on a pair of trousers and the first T-shirt I can find, then I open the door and see something odd – remember kids, just say “No!” to drugs. It’s a three feet tall pink rabbit standing in my doorway. “Good morning Mr. La Cuercha!”
I haven’t been sleeping enough lately, “Good morning, who are you?”
“I’m the Easter Bunny,” he replies, “Happy Easter!” I can’t believe it, “How did you find me?”
“Your parents, Mr. la Cuercha, they sent me here to wish you a happy Easter” At eight in the morning… “Here, I have a message for you.”
Good morning Simoncino,
Happy Easter. Don’t forget about your parents, who love you. Stay happy, eat well and take care of yourself!
Mom and Dad
PS Don’t forget to write!
“Well, Mr. Easter Bunny, thank you very much for the time.” And then I have a good idea. “Would you like to stay for lunch, Mr. Easter Bunny?” “Why yes, Mr. la Cuercha, that would be wonderful, I appreciate the offer.”
…one hour later…
And it’s done. Every Easter my mom used to make this fantastic rabbit stew. Today I’ve decided to honor the tradition. Lunch will be done cooking in about four hours. That’s plenty of time to catch up on sleep.
- Simone la Cuercha
Filed under Random Musing, Simone la Cuercha
I love rain! I admit it. I absolutely love rain. I know how weird this may sound coming from the same person who wrote about his hatred of snow and the cold, but it’s true. I love rain in all its forms.
I love the “early morning drizzle” rain when you’ve just left your house. Everything is damp and tranquil, and there is a light fog hovering from above. One of those mysterious mornings where you half expect to stumble upon a lost magical village in the Highlands of Scotland on your way to work or run into a band of undead pirates who recruit you to help them find a boundless cache of buried treasure.
Then there is the “hot muggy day” rain. That rain at the peak of summer during the week when all the heat records going back to 1892, when records were first kept, were broken. That day of deliverance, when every leaf, stem and root’s prayer was heard and the parched earth finally received its long awaited respite. Those are the days that I want to sprint out of my house and dance around with my hands lifted up towards the heavens in thanks (yep, that crazy person you saw was me!). Those are the days I want to call all my friends for an impromptu game of soccer and get everything covered in mud. Those are the days that I simply want to lie down in the grass taking it all in, until you can’t tell where water starts and little boy ends.
But my absolute favorite rain is that “dark peaceful Sunday afternoon” rain. That rain where you don’t get out of bed until three in the afternoon and you never bother leaving the house or doing anything productive whatsoever. That rain where all you want to do is spend the day on the couch with somebody you love, an enormous old quilted blanket, a bag of popcorn, and a stack of classic movies in black and white.
- Carlos de la Gringa
Filed under Carlos de la Gringa, Random Musing
That’s right, you read correctly. I’m going on strike! I’m tired of falling asleep whenever someone talks to me. I’m tired of forcing my eyes to stay open and focused on this computer screen. I’m tired of waking up in the morning feeling like shit, even after a full night’s rest.
I’ve decided to go on strike. I have way too many things going on in my life to waste time sleeping. It’s bad enough we only get 24 hours in a day, but on top of that we’re expected to sleep eight of them. Give me a break! It would be one thing if it were only four hours but eight (hell, sometimes it’s even ten)!? You would think that sleep ruled our lives. Well, I’m fed up! No more sleeping until this outrageous calamity is resolved.
What’s more, I plan to take full advantage of my newfound free time: catching up on my reading list, watching the news, getting addicted to WoW, making new friends, finding a new girlfriend (or a second one!), learning how to cook, teaching myself Finnish, becoming the backup field goal kicker for the Texans, doing some writing that isn’t complete bullshit, watching the entire series of Lost, downloading p… I’ll have time for so many new and exciting things. This is going to be wonderful.
Now you may ask: Carlos, how are you planning to stay awake for more than two days straight without turning into a zombie? Oh ye of little faith, doubting Thomases the lot of ye! Never underestimate the power of determination and will-power. While the path I’m taking may be long and hard, I shall triumph because my cause is just!
And if that doesn’t work, there is always coffee.
- Carlos de la Gringa
-Ed. What would you do with eight extras hours in your day? Let us know in the comment section below.
Filed under Carlos de la Gringa, Random Musing
