How to be a “Tiger”: Pretending to be Rich

Did you miss me? Don’t deny it! I’ve seen all the emails wondering when I would write again, begging for my phone number, suggesting they give me a daily column or rename the site “Tales of the Tiger”. But I’m a magnanimous fellow. I don’t want my colleagues to suffer in my shadows…

Anyways, this time I thought I would talk about something that girls love even more than a man with a college education: A man with money. “But Tiger, I didn’t even go to college; how am I supposed to get money??” I know, I know, relax! I’ve got you covered. Today we’re going to learn how to convince a girl that you’re loaded even if you’re in debt to your grandmother.

So let’s imagine you’re working at a gas station. A hot chick pulls up and asks you to fill her tank up, what do you say? “Regular or premium?” NO! You tell her: Hi, my name is Chester B. Exxon Mobil IV, I came here today to speak with beautiful customers like you and make sure that you were satisfied with our service.

So a couple days later after asking her out (you did remember to get her number, right?), you swing by to pick her up in your “good as new” 1997 Dodge Neon. Don’t worry! Explain to your lady friend that you swapped cars with your butler so that he could drive his daughter to her wedding in your Lamborghini Diablo.

Now here comes the tricky part, you are going to have to take her out to dinner. Breathe! Pick a fancy and exotic restaurant and let her order whatever she wants. When you’re done eating, start frantically searching under the table. Tell her that you lost your lucky secret decoder ring. Beg her to look in your car while you pay the bill. Wait about two minutes before sprinting out of there yourself.

As you are getting close to her place, clutch your stomach and cry out in pain. Explain that it’s your thyroid; it always acts up this time of night. With a tear in her eye, she’ll grab your hand and let you inside to “nurse you back to health”. It’s going to be a good night, my friend!

- Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – An Annoyed Girlfriend

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

How’s it going, honey? Staying out of trouble, I hope. I’m in need of your advice. You see I’m dating this wonderful guy, a real sweetheart. I think I might be falling in love with him. The only problem is he is super disorganized and can’t seem to show up on time for things to save his life. We say we are going to meet up for dinner at 6:00 and he doesn’t show until 7:15. By the time he arrives, I’ve already finished my dessert and an entire bottle of wine that I ordered for the two of us.

It’s terrible. We can’t go to movies or concerts. Black-tie dinners are out of the question. I held a surprise birthday party for him last year, and he was even late to that! It’s getting embarrassing. I care a lot about the guy but this is ridiculous. Is he going to show up halfway through our wedding ceremony too?

Thanks for the help.

Sincerely,

An Annoyed Girlfriend

 

Dear Annoyed Girlfriend,

Honey!? Really? Do you have any idea how old I am? Old enough to be owed a little more respect than that. Seriously, kids these days…

So let’s see. Your boyfriend is a jumbled mess who has lost all semblance of punctuality if indeed he ever possessed it, and you certainly don’t have time for his nonsense. You’re a busy person with appointments to keep and deadlines to meet. It sounds to me like you don’t have time for your boyfriend at all. Dump the loser. But I love him! Don’t make me gag… If he really cared about you, he would find a way to show up on time for your sake.

However, if you truly cannot bear to live without him, there are always other lines of attack. For instance, you could set all the clocks in his house back an hour or two. Just don’t ever let him find out what time it really is. Another option is to angrily cry the next time your lying in bed together, “The only time you’re early to anything is when we’re having sex!” That should fix the problem in a jiffy.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

If you too want advice about what to do with your loser boyfriend, write to talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

How to be a “Tiger”: The Value of a College Education

So this week’s tip for getting lucky with the ladies is about: The college education. Or to be more precise: How to fake a college education! Because who has $200,000 to throw around? I certainly don’t, but I still graduated from Harvard. What’s the matter? You don’t think “the Tiger” is smart enough for Harvard? I bet you have a lot more respect for me now, huh? You probably are even starting to feel a bit attracted to me.

Wait, how did I just do that? I lied. It is the easiest thing in the world. Come on, give it a try!  The next time you meet a girl just drop the name of a famous institution of higher learning. She’ll never know the difference. It’s not as though she is going to ask to see your diploma. Just memorize some Latin or French lines to recite when she asks what you studied. Girls love that sort of thing. Nothing better than a refined gentleman who has read books written by dead people in foreign languages.

All you need to do now is make up a couple facts and you are good to go. “Did you know that 4^th century Mesopotamian farmers revolutionized agricultural yield production with bifurcated piece-meal carbon footprints?” “This reminds me of something the Molocration general Xzu Mala Fassa Lacka once said, ‘Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder but victory is something to be taken with a clenched iron fist!’”

Then of course there is the delivery. You can’t speak like Joe Blow who serviced your car last week. Remember you are a college graduate! You need to sound intelligent, cultured, and condescending. So do yourself a favor and rent every Hugh Grant movie that you can find. Nobody epitomizes all of those traits better than the British.

And just like that you’re a verifiable college graduate with a major in Sophisticology and a minor in Allure. No woman will be able to resist. But don’t thank me, thank the ivy-covered halls I’ve never laid eyes on.

- Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – A Scared Boyfriend

I have gotten stupid emails from you idiots before but this is easily the dumbest one that I have ever received: 

Dear Master of the Extraordinary, 

Your site is great, bro. I think ya’ll are real funny. Congratulations and keep up the good work! So listen, like, I’m in a bit of a pickle here. You see, I have this fantastic girlfriend; she’s real hot. I mean like smokin’. Trouble is there is something she doesn’t know about me. You see, I may have kind of done some porn or something when I was younger.  Nothing too big, you know. Just a little bit of guy-on-guy action.  Anyways, it was a tough time in my life and I’m not proud of it but it happened. However, it’s over now and I’m a bigger man for it.

So I wanted to ask, should I tell her about my past?  We’ve been a lot more open with each other lately. But I just don’t know how she would take it. If I don’t tell her, I’m also afraid she might accidentally run into some of my videos online. Am I being paranoid? I just don’t want to lose her.

Sincerely,

A Scared Boyfriend

 

Dear Scared Boyfriend,

Congratulations! You have just received the Master of the Extraordinary’s first ever I’m a Huge Dumbass Award. Please give us a forwarding address where we can send you the prize. Otherwise you can come down to our office on 123 I’m a Moron Street to pick it up.

How does it feel? Are you going to take your family to Disney World?  Oh, right…. I forgot.

Have you ever considered getting plastic surgery and changing your name? I mean if the internet already knows, it’s only a matter of time before everybody else finds out. Or you could always just settle for a career as a porn star; there’s no such thing as bad publicity (or so they say…). But if you really want to stay with your girlfriend there is only one solution. Offer to have a threesome with her and another guy before you tell her. She’ll be in such a good mood that you’ll be able to tell her anything.

Cordially,

The Master of the Extraordinary

And remember if you too want to tell me about your stupid problems, I can be reached at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Psycho Easter

“Simone, I love you, I’ve missed you so much. I‘ve been waiting forever.”

I’ve missed her too; she is wonderful. The night breeze blows past her wonderful red hair. She is beautiful. I go prepare two drinks in the kitchen: I take my time. By the time I go back to the living room, she’s already fallen asleep. I leave the drinks on the crystal table. The nighttime light makes her skin glisten just like the star-filled sky. That’s what I’m thinking about as I cover her with a blanket before falling asleep in my armchair.

I wake up. She wakes me up – to be more precise – and sits on my lap. Then she wraps her arms around me, but there isn’t enough room for her so I hold onto her legs. I don’t want her to fall. We start kissing.

Suddenly there is a knock at the door. Strange for this time of night. The knocks get louder. I open my eyes and I’m in my bed. Alone. Fuck, I knew it couldn’t be true.

The knocking persists. I get out of bed and throw on a pair of trousers and the first T-shirt I can find, then I open the door and see something odd – remember kids, just say “No!” to drugs. It’s a three feet tall pink rabbit standing in my doorway. “Good morning Mr. La Cuercha!”

I haven’t been sleeping enough lately, “Good morning, who are you?”

“I’m the Easter Bunny,” he replies, “Happy Easter!” I can’t believe it, “How did you find me?”

“Your parents, Mr. la Cuercha, they sent me here to wish you a happy Easter” At eight in the morning… “Here, I have a message for you.”

Good morning Simoncino,

Happy Easter. Don’t forget about your parents, who love you. Stay happy, eat well and take care of yourself!

Mom and Dad

PS Don’t forget to write!

“Well, Mr. Easter Bunny, thank you very much for the time.” And then I have a good idea. “Would you like to stay for lunch, Mr. Easter Bunny?” “Why yes, Mr. la Cuercha, that would be wonderful, I appreciate the offer.”

…one hour later…

And it’s done. Every Easter my mom used to make this fantastic rabbit stew. Today I’ve decided to honor the tradition. Lunch will be done cooking in about four hours. That’s plenty of time to catch up on sleep.

 - Simone la Cuercha

How to be a “Tiger”: Mike’s Guide to Picking up Women

So, I’ve been asking myself lately, Mike, what pearls of wisdom should you impart upon the masses this week? Boy, people just don’t appreciate how hard it is to be a smart talented handsome twenty-something guy.  They’re just too many things I know about the world that you don’t.  Because let’s face it, being the “Tiger” means being awesome.  But after reading some of the ridiculous questions that the Master of the Extraordinary receives, I suddenly realized my calling: I should teach you guys how to pick up chicks.  How to prove to the ladies that you’re the champ. Cause that’s what it’s all about after all, showing them you’re the champ!

 You’ve got to be the boss.  You know what’s going on.  You’re the greatest thing that ever happened to them.  But just when they start to get attached to you, WHOOSH!  You disappear into thin air like you were never there, like a brief but wonderful dream, the best dream they ever had or ever will have in their whole life.

Anyways, today I wanted to focus on picking a name.  A sexy, mysterious magical name.  After all, you can’t just go up to a girl and say, hi, my name is Mike. No, no, no!  Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking at porn in your mother’s basement? So come on, think of something good.  “Tiger” for example is a great name.  It’s a powerful, dangerous, beautiful animal.  Hey, baby, would you like to go for a ride in the jungle with the “Tiger”?  See, much better!  She is already dreaming about you picking her up with your big strong arms and throwing her into bed.  You’re just too sexy for life.  You’re an animal.  You’re.. AMAZING!!!!

…..Well, that’s awkward.  You don’t happen to have a towel do you?

-Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

Help! A Hot Chick was Abducted by Aliens

That’s right, I’m back! Mike is on the job once again. I knew they would come crawling back. They always do. I’m just that awesome. They should sell cans with my face on them and call them “Awesome n’ a Can.” They could make a million bucks off that shit. Honestly, I don’t understand why I don’t see my face in more places. I’m a damn good looking man, if I do say so myself. Moreover, after telling our editor about the alien abduction, he practically begged me to come back.* I mean it’s literary gold.

It all began last Saturday evening after I started making out with this really hot girl I met at a bar (What can I say? The ladies love me). Anyways, our tongues were getting quite the workout, when I decided that it was time to move onto the main course. So I drove her back to my pad in my yellow Maserati.

We get right into the thick of things and it’s going great – I’m a machine! Anyhow, about 70 minutes later, she asks me for an aspirin. So I go to the bathroom to look for one but when I get back, she’s vanished. Now I know she was enjoying herself because I saw her texting a friend, saying how amazing I was. Therefore the only logical conclusion is that she must have been abducted by aliens. Why else would somebody miss out on round two? I’m the Mo*#&r-F#&^##ng Tiger!

So this article is a warning for all you ladies. Watch out for little green men!

-Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

*Ed. Please, this idiot came to me in tears, whining about how unfair life is and how it wasn’t his fault that he had bitched out our entire staff. I only let him write this article because I felt bad for the guy.