“Nobody believes what you say; it’s just your jive talkin’ that gets in the way.”
"I thought you said they would be out all weekend on a fishing trip!"
Because otherwise you might do something stupid with all that extra free time on Saturdays and Sundays.
- The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
Lately the “Saturday Night” part has become more figurative than literal. But rather than apologize, we’ll just pull out our nifty little “artistic license”.
"We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter."
Performing next: the Master of the Extraordinary and the TES Village Idiots!
- The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
This holday season, get extra close to your lover…
…Without your arm falling asleep!
Although this would be even better…
While we may not be the brightest bulbs in the box (especially Carlos), five bucks says we’re not the only ones who would “jump in” just to be sure.
Finally, we here at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity, would like to wish you and your family a very merry Christmas (except for your Uncle Herbert, who gives us the creeps)!
- The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
This is a new type of column we are introducing here at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity called “Saturday Night Jives”. Every Saturday evening we are going to post a few of our favorite images, videos and sites that we came across during the previous week. Comments, criticisms, or suggestions for the following week are more than welcome. Enjoy (or I’ll come and find you)!
Can I help you?
Why you never f#$% with the Marines...
Tell your kids: creativity kills.
- The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
Did you miss me? Don’t deny it! I’ve seen all the emails wondering when I would write again, begging for my phone number, suggesting they give me a daily column or rename the site “Tales of the Tiger”. But I’m a magnanimous fellow. I don’t want my colleagues to suffer in my shadows…
Anyways, this time I thought I would talk about something that girls love even more than a man with a college education: A man with money. “But Tiger, I didn’t even go to college; how am I supposed to get money??” I know, I know, relax! I’ve got you covered. Today we’re going to learn how to convince a girl that you’re loaded even if you’re in debt to your grandmother.
So let’s imagine you’re working at a gas station. A hot chick pulls up and asks you to fill her tank up, what do you say? “Regular or premium?” NO! You tell her: Hi, my name is Chester B. Exxon Mobil IV, I came here today to speak with beautiful customers like you and make sure that you were satisfied with our service.
So a couple days later after asking her out (you did remember to get her number, right?), you swing by to pick her up in your “good as new” 1997 Dodge Neon. Don’t worry! Explain to your lady friend that you swapped cars with your butler so that he could drive his daughter to her wedding in your Lamborghini Diablo.
Now here comes the tricky part, you are going to have to take her out to dinner. Breathe! Pick a fancy and exotic restaurant and let her order whatever she wants. When you’re done eating, start frantically searching under the table. Tell her that you lost your lucky secret decoder ring. Beg her to look in your car while you pay the bill. Wait about two minutes before sprinting out of there yourself.
As you are getting close to her place, clutch your stomach and cry out in pain. Explain that it’s your thyroid; it always acts up this time of night. With a tear in her eye, she’ll grab your hand and let you inside to “nurse you back to health”. It’s going to be a good night, my friend!
- Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara
Filed under Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara
It’s four in the morning and I’m still awake. I have had quite a busy day of lying around doing nothing and there just hasn’t been time to write until now. So, what’s a good four in the morning story? Let’s see here….
It was four in the morning and Martin was tossing and turning in bed. He tried to fall asleep but all he could think about was the last conversation he had had with Jessica. Was she really going to marry that one-eyed, one-armed Serbian juggler she had met at the Cirque du Soleil? Didn’t that passionate weekend in West Virginia mean anything to her?
It was four in the morning. Exactly four hours since she slammed the door in his face, rejecting his advances. Four days since he had found out that his dog had cancer. Four months since he scored a 440 on the GMAT. Four years of college spent studying his ass off and for what? He had no job, and he was still alone thanks to four different girls, who had all left him for circus folk. Four, four, four, four….
Martin imagined all the different fours floating around his head, taunting him. Suddenly they started chirping loudly. “#%$@&!” The birds had already woken up and were preparing to recommence their perpetual search for those ever elusive worms. Now how was he supposed to sleep? Sometimes he wished he could just sprout a pair of wings and fly away, leaving all of his problems behind.
He decided to go for a walk in order to clear his head. About forty minutes later, he reached the Palm Mangroves Golf Course at 44th St and Broad. Suddenly he heard a strange noise. Behind a golf cart he noticed a German Shepherd joyfully mounting a little toy poodle. Martin couldn’t help but think of Jessica and that Serbian juggler. Life just wasn’t fair.
As he pondered the inhumanity of it all, he had the faintest impression that someone was taunting him with that number again. He looked up just in time to see a white projectile zooming towards him.
…….
They were back again, and this time he didn’t try to ignore them as they danced around his head. Four, four, four, four….
- Carlos de la Gringa
Filed under Carlos de la Gringa, Random Musing
Dear Master of the Extraordinary,
How’s it going, honey? Staying out of trouble, I hope. I’m in need of your advice. You see I’m dating this wonderful guy, a real sweetheart. I think I might be falling in love with him. The only problem is he is super disorganized and can’t seem to show up on time for things to save his life. We say we are going to meet up for dinner at 6:00 and he doesn’t show until 7:15. By the time he arrives, I’ve already finished my dessert and an entire bottle of wine that I ordered for the two of us.
It’s terrible. We can’t go to movies or concerts. Black-tie dinners are out of the question. I held a surprise birthday party for him last year, and he was even late to that! It’s getting embarrassing. I care a lot about the guy but this is ridiculous. Is he going to show up halfway through our wedding ceremony too?
Thanks for the help.
Sincerely,
An Annoyed Girlfriend
Dear Annoyed Girlfriend,
Honey!? Really? Do you have any idea how old I am? Old enough to be owed a little more respect than that. Seriously, kids these days…
So let’s see. Your boyfriend is a jumbled mess who has lost all semblance of punctuality if indeed he ever possessed it, and you certainly don’t have time for his nonsense. You’re a busy person with appointments to keep and deadlines to meet. It sounds to me like you don’t have time for your boyfriend at all. Dump the loser. But I love him! Don’t make me gag… If he really cared about you, he would find a way to show up on time for your sake.
However, if you truly cannot bear to live without him, there are always other lines of attack. For instance, you could set all the clocks in his house back an hour or two. Just don’t ever let him find out what time it really is. Another option is to angrily cry the next time your lying in bed together, “The only time you’re early to anything is when we’re having sex!” That should fix the problem in a jiffy.
Cordially yours,
The Master of the Extraordinary
If you too want advice about what to do with your loser boyfriend, write to talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.
- The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under The Master of the Extraordinary
