Nix and the Glowing Vampire

I am pleased to welcome a new columnist to the TES family. He is an expert in his field, occult scare tactics, and even worked for a legendary company (whose name I’m not at liberty to reveal). In addition he has been a good friend of mine for several centuries now and promises to be much more reliable than the other pieces of $#*%, who supposedly worked at this site. So it is with great satisfaction that I present to you: Nix.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

My girlfriend, Euryale, tried to drag me to go see the latest “Twilight” movie the other day using her special girlfriend voodoo:

As I was lying on the couch watching television, she came over and asked, “What do you want to do today?” (I want to lie on the couch and watch tv!) I replied that I didn’t know.

“You know what would be fun? Going out to see a movie together.” Groan. Half-an-hour and several threats to poison my food later, we arrived at the theater.

“What movie do you want to see?” I listed several different action movies, a horror movie, and even a romantic comedy which I might be willing to see as a last resort.

“I really wanted to see ‘Breaking Dawn.’” I rolled my eyes. But she was serious.

“I just wanted to stay at home but I did you the favor of coming out. Now you are telling me that the only movie you want to see is this one!?!?” Euryale started crying.

“We never do anything together. I wanted to spend more time with you.” I begrudgingly conceded.

Five minutes into the movie, I pretended I wasn’t feeling well and headed towards the exit. Then I went across the hall to see the latest Muppets’ movie (Desperate times call for desperate measures!).

When the movie let out, my girlfriend along with about half of the rest of the audience was in tears… over a vampire!

The world is really turning upside down. I never thought I would see the day that some warped individual would reinvent those parasitic worms as hopeless romantics.

You can defend your darling Edward all you want but if you had ever had the displeasure of working with a real life vampire you would be saying something else.  Don’t let their stylish façade fool you. They are nothing more than stuck-up zombies who wear fancy capes and ramble on in a weird accent about vaanting to suck your… Never mind.

While they may seem intelligent, sophisticated and refined, they would cut off an arm without a thought for another hit of blood. I once convinced a vampire named Bogdan to wear a collar around his neck, crouch down on all fours and bark like a dog before offering him some blood out of a plastic bowl, which he eagerly lapped up.

Vampires aren’t suave sexy gentleman; they’re the junkies of the supernatural world.

- Nix

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – A Shy Boy

So surprise, surprise, another one of you morons wrote to me.  Can’t you just leave me in peace? You’re taking up precious time that I could be spending with my Linux.

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

I have to admit I’ve never actually visited your site before.  I guess you guys are like comedians or something, right?  It doesn’t really matter; I’ll take advice from anyone at this point, even if you are a creepy robot from outer space. The problem is there is this amazing girl in my psychology class named Carla – and I think I’m in love with her. She is beautiful, intelligent and hilarious. Unfortunately, I’m a little bit shy so I haven’t talked to her yet.  Last week I tried to hide a poem I wrote inside her backpack, but I don’t think she found it. I’m starting to get worried. Please tell me Mr. Extraordinary, what should I do to win her love?

Thanks for the help!

A Shy Boy

Dear Shy Boy,

You’re not even a fan of our site!?! Why the fuck should I waste my time with you then? (They’re always idiots….)

Basically you have two options:

1) Ask her out on a date.  She’ll probably say no because you’re kind of creepy but at least you can move onto staring at some other chick.

2) Confess to her your undying love and tell her that you two were destined to be together. This option is my personal favorite because after she puts a restraining order on you, it’ll be easier to convince other girls that you’re a badass.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

And remember if you too would like to be verbally abused by a “creepy robot from outer space” (at least I get laid, fuckers), send an email to talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Help! A Hot Chick was Abducted by Aliens

That’s right, I’m back! Mike is on the job once again. I knew they would come crawling back. They always do. I’m just that awesome. They should sell cans with my face on them and call them “Awesome n’ a Can.” They could make a million bucks off that shit. Honestly, I don’t understand why I don’t see my face in more places. I’m a damn good looking man, if I do say so myself. Moreover, after telling our editor about the alien abduction, he practically begged me to come back.* I mean it’s literary gold.

It all began last Saturday evening after I started making out with this really hot girl I met at a bar (What can I say? The ladies love me). Anyways, our tongues were getting quite the workout, when I decided that it was time to move onto the main course. So I drove her back to my pad in my yellow Maserati.

We get right into the thick of things and it’s going great – I’m a machine! Anyhow, about 70 minutes later, she asks me for an aspirin. So I go to the bathroom to look for one but when I get back, she’s vanished. Now I know she was enjoying herself because I saw her texting a friend, saying how amazing I was. Therefore the only logical conclusion is that she must have been abducted by aliens. Why else would somebody miss out on round two? I’m the Mo*#&r-F#&^##ng Tiger!

So this article is a warning for all you ladies. Watch out for little green men!

-Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

*Ed. Please, this idiot came to me in tears, whining about how unfair life is and how it wasn’t his fault that he had bitched out our entire staff. I only let him write this article because I felt bad for the guy.

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – Perplexed Girlfriend

I can’t believe they talked me into doing a second one.  There is nothing funny about me giving “relationship advice”.  I just hope this doesn’t turn into a regular thing….

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

So I guess you have a cool site or whatever.  But like, you need to help me, NOW!  I’m having a problem with my boyfriend.  We’ve been dating for a couple months and he still hasn’t visited my home, even though I’ve been to his place all the time. Whenever I suggest it, he always says he is too busy or simply changes the subject.  It’s very weird.  I live with five other girls, who are practically sisters to me.  I’m sure he would get along with them, and they would find him adorable.  While the house can be a bit hectic and loud at times, it’s still a lot of fun.  Please tell me, what can I do to get him to come over?? Thanks so much!

Sincerely,

Perplexed Girlfriend

Dear Perplexed Girlfriend,

Your boyfriend doesn’t want to take part in your estrogen-fueled slumber parties?  I’m so shocked to hear that; I can’t imagine why (sarcasm). Whoever said that girls were the gentler sex obviously never had to live with them.  They are loud, messy, and they create drama by talking about each other behind their backs instead of just stepping outside and having it out. Be thankful your boyfriend hasn’t set foot inside your house yet!  It’s better this way; trust me.

Cordially,

The Master of the Extraordinary

-Ed. Just to be clear, the views expressed by The Master of the Extraordinary are his and his alone. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the site as a whole. I think you should just tell your boyfriend how you feel.  If he can’t respect your feelings then dump him.

Fucking pansy! No wonder you’re alone. Nobody cares what you think. Also I’m supposed tell people that if they want me to give them advice then they should write me with their questions at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com (please don’t!).

-The Master of the Extraordinary

The Inconvenience of Memory

Today I was going to write a really funny, clever, insightful article, and all of you were going to be blown away with my compositional prowess.  It was a piece that would have solved the world’s hunger problems, cured cancer, attained peace in the Middle East and found life on Mars.  It even would have made women’s thighs smaller (not that I’m calling you fat) and men’s you-know-what’s larger.  Yep, without a doubt, this would have been the single greatest article ever written.  The trouble is, I completely forget what I was going to say….

Our memory can be a real pain in the ass.  It is especially adept at screwing with our lives. Take, for example, that song that we can’t remember for the life of us what it’s doing in our music library or when we last heard it. Until we give it a listen and suddenly it all comes flooding back.  Remember our ex from a couple years back? The one that sat on our heart before punting it off the side of a cliff?  The crazy one that cheated on us with half of our friends from college, the pizza delivery boy, the cable repair guy and our Uncle Stevie?  That’s her favorite song, the one she would hum every night while she was nestling up against us in bed.

So we quickly try to think of something else. All that comes to mind is the annoying jingle for that home furnishing company.  But we stay positive because we have a date with a cute girl we met clubbing last night (what was her name?).  After frantically trying to find the scrap of paper where she wrote her number, we sit down on our couch which immediately collapses. The one we were going to fix last week, remember?

-Carlos de la Gringa

-Ed. We could use a good laugh: tell us about a time you couldn’t remember (or couldn’t forget) something by leaving a comment below!

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – Computer Nerd

I was busy coding the other day when I received a strange email from one of our readers:

Dear Tales of Extraordinary Sanity,

I am your biggest fan! I have read every single article that you have ever written and think that you guys are comic geniuses! I don’t know how you guys do it but keep up the good work!

Anyways, since you all seem so smart, I was wondering if you could help me out with a small problem that I have been having lately. You see, my girlfriend has been complaining a lot about the amount of time that I spend on the computer. Apparently, I don’t pay enough attention to her or some bullshit like that. I don’t know what the big deal is. What’s wrong with coming home from a long day at work and screwing around, visiting sites like yours? I need to unwind! Why can’t she understand that??

Thanks for the help!

Sincerely,

A Big Computer Nerd

Do I look like an advice columnist to you!?! I sure as hell don’t remember asking our readers to “please tell us your problems at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com and we will help you out in a jiffy!” I don’t have time for this shit. You think this site is going to just run itself? *&$%#@*#%@……..

….Alright, Simone and Carlos have convinced me to respond, just this once, so here goes:

Dear Big Computer Nerd,

You fucking idiot! What’s wrong with you? Your girlfriend is calling out to you, “Baby, I miss you, I need you sooo bad right now” and you’re staring at a computer screen? Rather than picking her up and throwing her into bed, you diddle around looking at porn!! If you really enjoy watching that farting one-eyed octopus more than her, have your girlfriend give me a call and everybody can go home happy.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

PS Don’t anybody ever write me again!

- The Master of the Extraordinary