A Once in a Lifetime Apology

Dear TES-Faithful,

Back in June I would never have imagined that this day could come… And yet, here I am, the Master of the Extraordinary, extending a most sincere apology to all of our loyal readers who have put up with our unnecessarily long hiatus from the hallowed pages of the legendary institution that is Tales of Extraordinary Sanity.

But then again, I also would never have guessed that Simone would suddenly go back to Italy without the slightest warning to complete his “studies” or that Carlos would run off to Brazil to find “true love”. It just proves the weak, despicable and down right disgusting nature of the people I’ve had to work with here at TES in order to bring you your beloved articles. This is the last time I ever agree to work with humans.

Anyways, we’re back. Although we will no longer be publishing articles every day, according to the Internal Revenue Service we are still considered a daily. So get excited because we have some new columns lined up for you as well as the typical TES content you’ve come to love and expect.

 

Extraordinarily Yours,

 

- The Master of the Extraordinary

 

PS. Rest assured that those responsible for our extended absence will be adequately punished.

Time Zones Tutorial

I don’t know if this has ever happened to you. Did you ever live in a foreign country, and – god knows why – decide to travel east to west instead of north to south? Huh? No, I am not kidding! Heading southbound is great: warmer weather, friendlier people, etc.

But as I was saying, if you move east to west, a really strange thing happens: The time when the sun rises and sets, changes. This really happens. Because, and don’t get upset if you already know the answer, the Earth rotates! Yes, incredible! This means that if it’s morning in the US, it’s already afternoon in Europe, and that in Japan… it’s already tomorrow! This is how Santa Claus is able to give presents to children all over the world (with a twenty-four hour-long night!). Thus, time zones were born!

Thanks to time zones, people all across the globe will see 8:00 am when they check their watches in the morning and 6:00 pm (18:00) when they check them in the evening. Isn’t it great?

What did you say? You already know all of this? Then why the hell does everybody in Europe insist on calling me at four in the @#$%*&^% morning?? And when I say everybody, I mean not only telemarketers but even parents, friends, and old employers. Everybody! My priest back home even called me once wondering why he hadn’t seen me at church in 20 years.

I know what you are thinking: this will never happen to me. Well, trust me. It will happen even sooner than you could possibly imagine. So do the right thing. Teach your parents and friends about a fantastic new invention called Google. Just type a phrase in any language, and this “magic box” will teach you all about it. If they type “Time zones” for example, they will even be able to find simple charts that will clarify any “confusion” they might have. But just in case the charts aren’t straightforward enough, learn them yourself to be able to explain them to your loved ones.

Last but not least: Always turn your phone off before you go to sleep! Good night.

- Simone la Cuercha

“Poor Osama, Cruel Obama”

I’m in my room. I had decided to stop drinking coffee, and as a result I am sleepy already even though it’s only 10 PM. I am in my bed, falling asleep. But I can hear car tires drifting on the street and a radio with its  volume turned alway the way up, “Weeeeeh are the champions, my friend.” What the fuck! I’m trying to get some sleep here! “And we’ll keep on fighting, till the end, tan naa naaaaaa” through the blinder I can see some guys with US flags hanging out the window of their cars, screaming and laughing and drinking. And I think that probably US won some kind of football, soccer, baseball, bullshit match this evening.

The next morning when I wake up, l will find out from a rebroadcast of  President Obama’s speech, that in fact Osama Bin Laden was killed during a military operation. A lot of people will give different accounts. I’ll imagine his death as I’ve always imagined it: Osama is sun bathing next to his pool, with a Margarita in hand. An American agent sneaks up next to him. He notices that it’s  not that CIA agent that he usually bribes. The agent screams “I am Dread, I am the law”. Bang. Final credits.

Obama will claim that “Justice has been served.” Half of the nation will cheer and the other half will claim that this is all just a big conspiracy and that Osama was only some poor shepherd or something. The only reason that they killed him was for votes and to prove that a war that’s gone on for years, wasn’t only fought for oil. And I will wonder: maybe all of this is true, but even so, why should we make a scandal out of the fact that bin Laden, who explicitly admitted to being responsible for the terrorist attack, died. In the end Adolf Hitler openly cried out his plans for the Shoah on the radio and in public. True, nobody understood him – who wants to learn German? – but nobody nowadays would dare to say a word in favor of Hitler.

And this is what I will be thinking tomorrow. For now I’m just wishing I could fall asleep. The guys jumped out of their cars and are walking to the mosque near my house, vandalizing everything in sight. And I feel like going to the bathroom and puking, as I witness the purity of “everlasting justice.”

- Simone la Cuercha

An Article about Something

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I have nothing interesting to say. I’m screwed! If I don’t have something ready by the time my editor wakes up, he is going to fire me. ME!? Can you imagine that? He is already mad at me for “showing up late for work” (clearly, his watch is fast), “wasting time on the computer” (checking facebook, downloading music and watching porn are all productive uses of my time, since you never when you’ll get your next inspiration), and “possessing a general lackadaisical attitude” (Should I bother looking that word up in the dictionary?).

He even said that a “pair of armless blind baboons” could do a better job than me and would cost less too (Talent costs money!!!). Besides, who knows more about “extraordinary sanity” than me? Somebody, who never does any work unless he absolutely has to, never goes to a party unless he already knows who he is going home with and never cooks unless his maid, his sister and his mother are all sick at the same time. Moreover, somebody, who generally finds a way to cheat, lie or steal his way out of any problem that he has ever faced.

You are never going to find anybody else like me! You should be begging me to stay. You should plaster my face on every Goddamn page of your stupid fucking site. Hell, you should build a temple dedicated to my awesomeness, that dwarfs the temples for Zeus, Buddha, Maradona and Charlie Sheen.

How is that for extraordinary sanity, asshole?

- Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

-Ed. Nice piece but you’re still fired.