Tag Archives: Porn

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – A Scared Boyfriend

I have gotten stupid emails from you idiots before but this is easily the dumbest one that I have ever received: 

Dear Master of the Extraordinary, 

Your site is great, bro. I think ya’ll are real funny. Congratulations and keep up the good work! So listen, like, I’m in a bit of a pickle here. You see, I have this fantastic girlfriend; she’s real hot. I mean like smokin’. Trouble is there is something she doesn’t know about me. You see, I may have kind of done some porn or something when I was younger.  Nothing too big, you know. Just a little bit of guy-on-guy action.  Anyways, it was a tough time in my life and I’m not proud of it but it happened. However, it’s over now and I’m a bigger man for it.

So I wanted to ask, should I tell her about my past?  We’ve been a lot more open with each other lately. But I just don’t know how she would take it. If I don’t tell her, I’m also afraid she might accidentally run into some of my videos online. Am I being paranoid? I just don’t want to lose her.

Sincerely,

A Scared Boyfriend

 

Dear Scared Boyfriend,

Congratulations! You have just received the Master of the Extraordinary’s first ever I’m a Huge Dumbass Award. Please give us a forwarding address where we can send you the prize. Otherwise you can come down to our office on 123 I’m a Moron Street to pick it up.

How does it feel? Are you going to take your family to Disney World?  Oh, right…. I forgot.

Have you ever considered getting plastic surgery and changing your name? I mean if the internet already knows, it’s only a matter of time before everybody else finds out. Or you could always just settle for a career as a porn star; there’s no such thing as bad publicity (or so they say…). But if you really want to stay with your girlfriend there is only one solution. Offer to have a threesome with her and another guy before you tell her. She’ll be in such a good mood that you’ll be able to tell her anything.

Cordially,

The Master of the Extraordinary

And remember if you too want to tell me about your stupid problems, I can be reached at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Leave a comment

Filed under The Master of the Extraordinary

The Day I Fell in Love with Romance Novels

A pile of romance novels from the 80s lies in front of me.  Suddenly I’m flooded with memories of high school: our PE instructor hiding whatever she was reading when the guys would arrive for gym class and female classmates blushing and laughing while they read books together in closed circles during recess. I remember, as a young boy at the beach, seeing a topless lady reading that same “impossible love crap”, relaxing with her sunglasses on and a cigarette in her mouth. And then I understand what this big pile of trashy books is trying to telling me.

I should write pornography for women!

I can copy some shit here, paste some shit there.  Our hero, Armando Mendoza, is a sensitive Spanish gentleman, romantic but strong, sure of what he wants. He is the type of guy that seems almost plausible but yet impossible to find in real life. One day Armando runs into Anita, who never has met a man like Armando before. She is awkward and insecure, but Armando gives her everything she has ever dreamed. A few sex scenes: everything soft. All psychological introspection and sensations and bla bla bla. And here we are. That’s some good shit. I could even turn it into a trilogy. No, wait! An entire series!

I’ll become a national bestseller. I’ll be in every girl’s bedroom! Waiting under the pillow to be read!  A good friend, always willing to help in those private moments in the bathtub, somebody who will never let you down. I can see it now. Easy money and fame. And lots of free time. Screw it, I’m going to become a romantic novel writer! Why should I work my ass off and suck up to everyone, only to get fucked over by somebody higher up?

Fuck everything, screw everybody: from now on, Simone la Cuercha is a freelance writer of cheeky sensational romance novels!

- Simone la Cuercha

-Ed. Let us know what your favorite romance novel is in the comment’s section below.  We won’t tell!

2 Comments

Filed under Random Musing, Simone la Cuercha

In Defense of Pornography

Don’t worry!  I know what you’re thinking.  First he defended Carnival and now he is defending pornography.  This Carlos character is up to no good!  He is an irresponsible deviant, who only wants to live a life of hedonistic pleasures without ever considering the consequences.  We need to lock him up before he gets out of control. Please, think of the children! (Seriously!? The little bastards look at more porn than I do!!!)

So, relax! In spite of its title, this article is going to be perfectly clean and wholesome – or at least relatively so.  For this is no fringe activity we are talking about here. In a made-up but probably accurate statistic, 90% of males 12 years of age and older admitted to looking at pornography with some regularity and the other 10% of males were lying.  In another study conducted by the same “institute”, 70% of women admitted to having looked at pornography at least once in their lifetime and the other 30% didn’t know what they were missing.

What’s more, by no means will I be advocating sexist and violent pornography that exploits and degrades the female body nor will I be encouraging you to go out and make a porno yourself (nobody wants to see a fat geeky dude with his shirt off!).  But after seeing the Master of the Extraordinary’s response to a reader’s question, I decided I had to jump to pornography’s defense.

The only thing I will be talking about today is economics, simple supply and demand.  For what is pornography if not the result of a larger demand for sex by males than that which females are willing to supply?  Or to be more precise, more men wanting to have sex than women willing to have sex with those particular men – women’s standards, after all, are a lot higher than men’s.   A male’s standards are so low in fact that we are willing to settle for a computer screen (which complains an awful lot less and doesn’t get emotionally attached) instead of another human being. Thus a new industry was born!

- Carlos de la Gringa

3 Comments

Filed under Carlos de la Gringa, In Defense of...