Tag Archives: pick up

How to be a “Tiger”: Pretending to be Rich

Did you miss me? Don’t deny it! I’ve seen all the emails wondering when I would write again, begging for my phone number, suggesting they give me a daily column or rename the site “Tales of the Tiger”. But I’m a magnanimous fellow. I don’t want my colleagues to suffer in my shadows…

Anyways, this time I thought I would talk about something that girls love even more than a man with a college education: A man with money. “But Tiger, I didn’t even go to college; how am I supposed to get money??” I know, I know, relax! I’ve got you covered. Today we’re going to learn how to convince a girl that you’re loaded even if you’re in debt to your grandmother.

So let’s imagine you’re working at a gas station. A hot chick pulls up and asks you to fill her tank up, what do you say? “Regular or premium?” NO! You tell her: Hi, my name is Chester B. Exxon Mobil IV, I came here today to speak with beautiful customers like you and make sure that you were satisfied with our service.

So a couple days later after asking her out (you did remember to get her number, right?), you swing by to pick her up in your “good as new” 1997 Dodge Neon. Don’t worry! Explain to your lady friend that you swapped cars with your butler so that he could drive his daughter to her wedding in your Lamborghini Diablo.

Now here comes the tricky part, you are going to have to take her out to dinner. Breathe! Pick a fancy and exotic restaurant and let her order whatever she wants. When you’re done eating, start frantically searching under the table. Tell her that you lost your lucky secret decoder ring. Beg her to look in your car while you pay the bill. Wait about two minutes before sprinting out of there yourself.

As you are getting close to her place, clutch your stomach and cry out in pain. Explain that it’s your thyroid; it always acts up this time of night. With a tear in her eye, she’ll grab your hand and let you inside to “nurse you back to health”. It’s going to be a good night, my friend!

Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

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Should I Become a Dentist?

This week TES is proud to bring you for the first time ever, a real-life flesh and blood guest columnist! He hails all the way from the southeast of Brazil and was crazy enough to submit us a column! (If you too would like to write for TES, you can send us your submission at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.) We’ll try not to laugh too much.

I’m going to talk about something that bothers almost everybody here in Brazil. On any night, it is really common for people to watch television: soup operas, sitcoms, soccer, news, etc. So of course, there are thousands of ads at this time, some less annoying than others. But the absolute worst is the tooth paste ad! Fucking terrible! For those of you who think I’m exaggerating, let me describe a typical ad:

Usually it starts off with this dentist standing in a lab coat, perfectly normal, right? WRONG! Because this dentist is not in his clinic but in the middle of a crazy street. “Why crazy?”, you ask. Because it’s not some small local street but the most famous and busy avenue of the city, with thousands of offices, restaurants, subway stations, buses, cars, and most importantly, people sprinting because they are late! It’s a stressful avenue where nobody stops to give you the time of day. It’s here that we find our dumb-ass dentist.

Then comes the worst part, the part that pisses us Brazilians off. The dentist spots someone in the crowd but not any ordinary person! If it’s a man, he is handsome and muscle-bound, if it’s a woman, she is super-hot with her breasts about to pop out of her shirt, either way they are wealthy and not in the slightest hurry. “So he just stares at them?” NO!!! He goes over and asks them if their teeth are clean, and they actually answer him!! “I think so; I just brushed.”

Then the dentist proposes to check. And the guy or girl smiling like a jerk accepts!!! WHAT!?!? Do you see how crazy this is? A dentist in the middle of a bustling street picks out some attractive stranger and without the slightest greeting or introduction, asks to look into their mouth! Are you kidding me? If somebody tried this in real life, the girl would tell him to fuck off. “Another idiot trying to get my number, life’s so hard when you’re hot!” The guy would wonder, “What does this asshole want? I’m in hurry!” Then the man would threaten to bust open the dentist’s mouth if he didn’t get lost.

In the end it turns out that their teeth are not clean after all. The dentist hands them a tube of tooth paste that will “clean their teeth properly”, and everybody goes off happy.

So let’s see if this works, the next time I want to please a girl, I’m not going to get her jewelry, I’m going to buy her some tooth paste!

- Lucas the Franco S.

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How to be a “Tiger”: Mike’s Guide to Picking up Women

So, I’ve been asking myself lately, Mike, what pearls of wisdom should you impart upon the masses this week? Boy, people just don’t appreciate how hard it is to be a smart talented handsome twenty-something guy.  They’re just too many things I know about the world that you don’t.  Because let’s face it, being the “Tiger” means being awesome.  But after reading some of the ridiculous questions that the Master of the Extraordinary receives, I suddenly realized my calling: I should teach you guys how to pick up chicks.  How to prove to the ladies that you’re the champ. Cause that’s what it’s all about after all, showing them you’re the champ!

 You’ve got to be the boss.  You know what’s going on.  You’re the greatest thing that ever happened to them.  But just when they start to get attached to you, WHOOSH!  You disappear into thin air like you were never there, like a brief but wonderful dream, the best dream they ever had or ever will have in their whole life.

Anyways, today I wanted to focus on picking a name.  A sexy, mysterious magical name.  After all, you can’t just go up to a girl and say, hi, my name is Mike. No, no, no!  Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking at porn in your mother’s basement? So come on, think of something good.  “Tiger” for example is a great name.  It’s a powerful, dangerous, beautiful animal.  Hey, baby, would you like to go for a ride in the jungle with the “Tiger”?  See, much better!  She is already dreaming about you picking her up with your big strong arms and throwing her into bed.  You’re just too sexy for life.  You’re an animal.  You’re.. AMAZING!!!!

…..Well, that’s awkward.  You don’t happen to have a towel do you?

-Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

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