Tag Archives: Osama

“Poor Osama, Cruel Obama”

I’m in my room. I had decided to stop drinking coffee, and as a result I am sleepy already even though it’s only 10 PM. I am in my bed, falling asleep. But I can hear car tires drifting on the street and a radio with its  volume turned alway the way up, “Weeeeeh are the champions, my friend.” What the fuck! I’m trying to get some sleep here! “And we’ll keep on fighting, till the end, tan naa naaaaaa” through the blinder I can see some guys with US flags hanging out the window of their cars, screaming and laughing and drinking. And I think that probably US won some kind of football, soccer, baseball, bullshit match this evening.

The next morning when I wake up, l will find out from a rebroadcast of  President Obama’s speech, that in fact Osama Bin Laden was killed during a military operation. A lot of people will give different accounts. I’ll imagine his death as I’ve always imagined it: Osama is sun bathing next to his pool, with a Margarita in hand. An American agent sneaks up next to him. He notices that it’s  not that CIA agent that he usually bribes. The agent screams “I am Dread, I am the law”. Bang. Final credits.

Obama will claim that “Justice has been served.” Half of the nation will cheer and the other half will claim that this is all just a big conspiracy and that Osama was only some poor shepherd or something. The only reason that they killed him was for votes and to prove that a war that’s gone on for years, wasn’t only fought for oil. And I will wonder: maybe all of this is true, but even so, why should we make a scandal out of the fact that bin Laden, who explicitly admitted to being responsible for the terrorist attack, died. In the end Adolf Hitler openly cried out his plans for the Shoah on the radio and in public. True, nobody understood him – who wants to learn German? – but nobody nowadays would dare to say a word in favor of Hitler.

And this is what I will be thinking tomorrow. For now I’m just wishing I could fall asleep. The guys jumped out of their cars and are walking to the mosque near my house, vandalizing everything in sight. And I feel like going to the bathroom and puking, as I witness the purity of “everlasting justice.”

- Simone la Cuercha

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The Subtle Manly Art of Making a Sandwich

I want to apologize for taking so long to write this article but I’ve been preoccupied lately with saving the world. I’m kind of a big deal. The Navy SEALS say they’ve never seen someone so adept in the arts of Kung Fu, Jiu Jitsu, and Capy Bara. Anyways, I can’t go into detail but let’s just say a certain famous Pakistani dude (or was he Assyrian?) won’t be making anymore homemade videos. I should be getting the Congressional Medal of Honor any day now. Boo Rah!*

This week, instead of giving tips about getting the ladies, I thought I would talk about my other great passion: cooking. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “the Tiger” cooks? Can’t he just get a lay-day friend to do it for him? Yes, I can! But there are certain dishes that only a man has that certain je ne sais quoi to make. Top of the list is the sandwich.

Now some may tell you that making a sandwich is easy, but they are wrong, my friend, they are dead wrong. Sandwichry, as I like to call it, is a long intensive process that requires skill, practice and patience. It is the craft of real men. You can’t just slap any old piece of meat together with some processed cheese and call it a sandwich, you have to be conscientious of just how all those different juicy morsels of pure unadulterated goodness are going to melt in your mouth. So choose wisely. But the true mark of the man’s sandwich, a “manwich” if you will, is measured with a yard stick. If your sandwich is stacked so high with assorted meats, cheeses, sauces and vegetables that you can’t pick it up without something falling out, if it’s so massive that you can’t bite into all of it at once, that’s when you know you’ve made a proper sandwich.  Congratulations, compadre! Just remember, no knives or forks allowed!

- Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

*Ed. TES does not know why Mr. MacNamara disappeared for so long (perhaps gambling debts got too high or an ex- tracked him down?) but we can promise our readers that he had nothing to do with the recent death of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden. Fortunately, that task was left to actual professionals.

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Filed under Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara, Random Musing