Saturday Night Jives: They took our jives!

Lately the “Saturday Night” part has become more figurative than literal. But rather than apologize, we’ll just pull out our nifty little “artistic license”.

Once upon a time on google…

"We figured there was too much happiness here for just the two of us, so we figured the next logical step was to have us a critter."

 More drawing on public space.

When your career as an advice columnist doesn’t pan out…

Performing next: the Master of the Extraordinary and the TES Village Idiots!

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Saturday Night Jives: The Christmas Jive

This holday season, get extra close to your lover…

…Without your arm falling asleep!

Although this would be even better…

While we may not be the brightest bulbs in the box (especially Carlos), five bucks says we’re not the only ones who would “jump in” just to be sure.

Finally, we here at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity, would like to wish you and your family a very merry Christmas (except for your Uncle Herbert, who gives us the creeps)!

- The Master of the Extraordinary

The Hunt – Chapter II: The Great Bear

This is a serial story told over many chapters. To see the first chapter click here.

“One wintry day, the sky-mother lowered her most beloved son down to Earth in a golden cradle. Pondering her child’s fate in the land of men, she tenderly held the little bear one last time before returning to her starry home above…”

Yaloki continued chanting in a low gravelly voice, as he methodically beat a tambourine covered in rattling beads. The music reverberated into the night air, accompanying the wind in its lonesome haunting lament.

A solemn group of villagers sat in a circle around the old man, whose figure glowed in the light of a bonfire behind him. Like baby hawks devouring food their mother has brought them, they listened intently and let the music fill their being.

Several women in bright red and blue shawls stood up and started dancing. They twisted and turned, and turned and twisted, and spun this way and that, all the while carefully rotating their hands above their heads.

After the women sat down, a man draped in a bear pelt stood up. He looked into the eyes of each of the villagers as he fiercely stomped around the circle. Another man in a fur coat stood up and the two wrestled, locked arm in arm for several minutes. Finally the man in the coat grabbed a knife and pretended to stab the man in the bear pelt, who collapsed to the ground. Then they both returned to the circle.

Yaloki put down his tambourine and slowly rose from his deerskin covered chair. Clutching a gnarly twisted stick, he turned and stared into the enormous blaze for a long time before lowering his eyes to the ground. Suddenly, he let out a deep guttural cry and began to speak:

“For many years, we have shared our herds, our songs and our hearths with the Smirin people, and the great bear has rewarded us with peace. But now, the sly hand of greed has taken hold of them, and I fear that we shall soon have war.”

To see the next chapter click here.

- Carlos de la Gringa

Weekend Survival Guide for newly heartbroken men

Are you here alone reading TES on a Friday evening? Did all of your friends go to a party that you weren’t invited to? Is this the anniversary of the day when your ex dumped you? Does the weather outside suck so much that you don’t want to leave home? If you are reading TES on a Friday evening, then you really need help. So, just for you, dear weekend readers, we present you with our guide to surviving the weekend in 6 easy steps:

1^st: Don’t kill yourself. Suicide may be the solution recommend by the AUA, American Undertakers Association, but you can’t let them win this battle.

2^nd: Don’t listen to music. 99% of all songs are about unrequited love and other dreary situations. You never noticed before because life had been so wonderful and carefree, but now all you hear are stories that are eerily similar to your own.

3^rd: Get drunk. Alcohol is the perfect cure for depression. Doctors claim that this leads to addiction, but let’s be honest here: Of course something that makes you feel better is “addictive”!

4^th: Start smoking. I suggest two packs a day. Why? Because there are forty cigarettes in two packs and if you smoke forty cigarettes per day, excluding the hours you are asleep, you can smoke a cigarette every twenty-two minutes. This will increase that chances that you have a cigarette in your mouth when a hot chick passes by. Also keep in mind that the smoke is going to cover up the smell of failure that usually keeps girls far away from you.

5^th:  The most important of all: Don’t stay at home! Go out, even if you are by yourself. If you have been following all of these instructions up until now, 3 and 4 will start to take effect even before you get into the club. Drink more, wait for girls, never make the first move and remember: Don’t be yourself, be somebody that actually is cool!

6^th: And now go out and show us what you are made of. But please, no naked drunken dancing in public!

- Simone la Cuercha (acid like never before)

(the long awaited) Artist of the Week VII

It’s back!! Finally.. I bet you thought you would never see another TES Artist of the Week but at long last we’ve gotten our act together. Sorry about the delays and hope you enjoy:

“Él soñaba sobre el tiempo   (He was dreaming over time)

Flotando como un velero      (Floating like a sailboat)

Nadie puede abrir semillas  (No one can crack open seeds)

En el corazón del sueño”      (In the heart of this dream)

This week’s Artist of the Week comes all the way from the south of Spain. A singer with an incomparable voice, a true master and innovator of his craft, he is credited with transforming and reviving a genre, flamenco, that appeared to be in serious danger of dying out near the end of the twentieth century. While some purists criticized him for his revolutionary style, mixing his music with elements of jazz and rock, at his death he was widely celebrated as a beloved figure within the Spanish Romani community. Struck down by pulmonary cancer due to years of aggressive smoking and recreational drug use at the relatively young age of 41, the news of his death came as a shock to many of his fans.

It’s been a full five years since I first heard one of his recordings and it still gives me goose bumps. Listening to his music, it’s hard not to feel yourself pulled into another world. A world of swirling beautiful colors and intense emotions. A world of confident swaying bodies in motion. And above all else, a world of survivors. The Romani people have suffered much throughout their history and yet they still continue strong and proud in their traditions, history and way of life. They are still able to produce music full of grace, power and soul, qualities our current Artist of the Week possesses in abundance. That is why I am proud to present without further ado the one and only: Camarón de la Isla.

- Carlos de la Gringa

TES Artist of the Week V

“I am, a back door man,

I am, a back door man

Well the, men don’t know,

But the little girls

understand”

You’re in Chicago in the late 50s in one of those smoke-filled bars that Simone is always talking about.  Suddenly this huge black man gets up on stage, strikes a chord and starts howling.  The crowd is electrified and terrified at the same time, and nobody can stay in their seat. So you give in and let the music take hold, and for one night you forget about life’s hardships and sorrows.

Our fifth Artist of the Week was born in Mississippi in 1910.  He was a talented Blues guitarist, harmonica player and singer with a rough haunting voice. In 1951 he was discovered by Sam Phillips, and in 1953 he moved to Chicago where he would sign to Chess Records.  He would go on to record Blues classics such “Little Red Rooster”, “Spoonful”, “Smokestack Lightinin’”, and “Back Door Man”.

His songs always depicted smooth-talking irresistible men, angry unfaithful women and loud raucous parties that never ended.  This contrasted with his relatively stable personal life, as he was one of the few Blues giants able to successfully manage his finances. Countless futures generations of musicians later cited him as a major influence, including the various bands of the British Invasion and the psychedelic rock groups in the US such as Jimi Hendrix and the Doors.

I first heard of him while reading an interview with the Rolling Stones, who cited him as a major influence on their careers, and I wondered to myself: who is this guy and why have I never heard of him? It only took one song to get me hooked.

For making music about heart-wrenching suffering that is soulful, lively and fun, we at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity are proud to name Howlin’ Wolf as our fifth artist of the week.

- Carlos de la Gringa

TES Artist of the week IV: Fred Buscaglione

She is beautiful. Tonight I’m seeing in black and white. I jump out of my favorite café to smoke a cigarette and she’s there, walking towards me on the pavement. My jaw drops. She notices but ignores me and keeps walking. As she passes under the street light between us, all I can see is this amazing chick in a red dress, swiftly moving like a gazelle on high heels. When she passes by, I notice her long legs and her short skirt. “Ehi piccola, dai non far la stupida, sai io sono volubile, se non mi baci perdi un’occasion”. [Hey baby, come on, don’t be stupid, you know that I could easily change my mind, if you don’t kiss me now, you’ll lose your chance!]

Well this is not one of Mike’s late night adventures. Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to present to you as TES’s fourth Artist of the Week, the most Italian, the most macho, the most misogynous, the one and only Fred Buscaglione!

As if he came out of a noir movie, Fred Buscaglione, an Italian singer, dedicated his entire career to performing Fox Trots and Charlestons, recording hits like “Eri Piccola Così” and “Che bambola”. Why, you may ask, did I pick him? Because Fred is more than just a clown trying to act like a Guido mobster, with a tuxedo, a thin mustache and an ever lit cigarette in his mouth. Fred Buscaglione also sings. He always sings about meeting beautiful women, but his true talent lies not in what he sings about, but how. He chooses the politically incorrect way to tell his stories, always from the macho point of view – the point of view of the man who arrogantly and slickly treats women like objects. He is a real throwback to figures like John Wayne and Humphrey Bogart. Definitely a blast from the past. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado: Fred Buscaglione!

- Simone la Cuercha