“Nobody believes what you say; it’s just your jive talkin’ that gets in the way.”
"I thought you said they would be out all weekend on a fishing trip!"
Because otherwise you might do something stupid with all that extra free time on Saturdays and Sundays.
- The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
This holday season, get extra close to your lover…
…Without your arm falling asleep!
Although this would be even better…
While we may not be the brightest bulbs in the box (especially Carlos), five bucks says we’re not the only ones who would “jump in” just to be sure.
Finally, we here at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity, would like to wish you and your family a very merry Christmas (except for your Uncle Herbert, who gives us the creeps)!
- The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
This is a new type of column we are introducing here at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity called “Saturday Night Jives”. Every Saturday evening we are going to post a few of our favorite images, videos and sites that we came across during the previous week. Comments, criticisms, or suggestions for the following week are more than welcome. Enjoy (or I’ll come and find you)!
Can I help you?
Why you never f#$% with the Marines...
Tell your kids: creativity kills.
- The Master of the Extraordinary
Filed under Saturday Night Jives
I am pleased to welcome a new columnist to the TES family. He is an expert in his field, occult scare tactics, and even worked for a legendary company (whose name I’m not at liberty to reveal). In addition he has been a good friend of mine for several centuries now and promises to be much more reliable than the other pieces of $#*%, who supposedly worked at this site. So it is with great satisfaction that I present to you: Nix.
- The Master of the Extraordinary
My girlfriend, Euryale, tried to drag me to go see the latest “Twilight” movie the other day using her special girlfriend voodoo:
As I was lying on the couch watching television, she came over and asked, “What do you want to do today?” (I want to lie on the couch and watch tv!) I replied that I didn’t know.
“You know what would be fun? Going out to see a movie together.” Groan. Half-an-hour and several threats to poison my food later, we arrived at the theater.
“What movie do you want to see?” I listed several different action movies, a horror movie, and even a romantic comedy which I might be willing to see as a last resort.
“I really wanted to see ‘Breaking Dawn.’” I rolled my eyes. But she was serious.
“I just wanted to stay at home but I did you the favor of coming out. Now you are telling me that the only movie you want to see is this one!?!?” Euryale started crying.
“We never do anything together. I wanted to spend more time with you.” I begrudgingly conceded.
Five minutes into the movie, I pretended I wasn’t feeling well and headed towards the exit. Then I went across the hall to see the latest Muppets’ movie (Desperate times call for desperate measures!).
When the movie let out, my girlfriend along with about half of the rest of the audience was in tears… over a vampire!
The world is really turning upside down. I never thought I would see the day that some warped individual would reinvent those parasitic worms as hopeless romantics.
You can defend your darling Edward all you want but if you had ever had the displeasure of working with a real life vampire you would be saying something else. Don’t let their stylish façade fool you. They are nothing more than stuck-up zombies who wear fancy capes and ramble on in a weird accent about vaanting to suck your… Never mind.
While they may seem intelligent, sophisticated and refined, they would cut off an arm without a thought for another hit of blood. I once convinced a vampire named Bogdan to wear a collar around his neck, crouch down on all fours and bark like a dog before offering him some blood out of a plastic bowl, which he eagerly lapped up.
Vampires aren’t suave sexy gentleman; they’re the junkies of the supernatural world.
- Nix
Filed under Nix
Dear TES-Faithful,
Back in June I would never have imagined that this day could come… And yet, here I am, the Master of the Extraordinary, extending a most sincere apology to all of our loyal readers who have put up with our unnecessarily long hiatus from the hallowed pages of the legendary institution that is Tales of Extraordinary Sanity.
But then again, I also would never have guessed that Simone would suddenly go back to Italy without the slightest warning to complete his “studies” or that Carlos would run off to Brazil to find “true love”. It just proves the weak, despicable and down right disgusting nature of the people I’ve had to work with here at TES in order to bring you your beloved articles. This is the last time I ever agree to work with humans.
Anyways, we’re back. Although we will no longer be publishing articles every day, according to the Internal Revenue Service we are still considered a daily. So get excited because we have some new columns lined up for you as well as the typical TES content you’ve come to love and expect.
Extraordinarily Yours,
- The Master of the Extraordinary
PS. Rest assured that those responsible for our extended absence will be adequately punished.
Filed under The Master of the Extraordinary
Did you miss me? Don’t deny it! I’ve seen all the emails wondering when I would write again, begging for my phone number, suggesting they give me a daily column or rename the site “Tales of the Tiger”. But I’m a magnanimous fellow. I don’t want my colleagues to suffer in my shadows…
Anyways, this time I thought I would talk about something that girls love even more than a man with a college education: A man with money. “But Tiger, I didn’t even go to college; how am I supposed to get money??” I know, I know, relax! I’ve got you covered. Today we’re going to learn how to convince a girl that you’re loaded even if you’re in debt to your grandmother.
So let’s imagine you’re working at a gas station. A hot chick pulls up and asks you to fill her tank up, what do you say? “Regular or premium?” NO! You tell her: Hi, my name is Chester B. Exxon Mobil IV, I came here today to speak with beautiful customers like you and make sure that you were satisfied with our service.
So a couple days later after asking her out (you did remember to get her number, right?), you swing by to pick her up in your “good as new” 1997 Dodge Neon. Don’t worry! Explain to your lady friend that you swapped cars with your butler so that he could drive his daughter to her wedding in your Lamborghini Diablo.
Now here comes the tricky part, you are going to have to take her out to dinner. Breathe! Pick a fancy and exotic restaurant and let her order whatever she wants. When you’re done eating, start frantically searching under the table. Tell her that you lost your lucky secret decoder ring. Beg her to look in your car while you pay the bill. Wait about two minutes before sprinting out of there yourself.
As you are getting close to her place, clutch your stomach and cry out in pain. Explain that it’s your thyroid; it always acts up this time of night. With a tear in her eye, she’ll grab your hand and let you inside to “nurse you back to health”. It’s going to be a good night, my friend!
- Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara
Filed under Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara
Are you here alone reading TES on a Friday evening? Did all of your friends go to a party that you weren’t invited to? Is this the anniversary of the day when your ex dumped you? Does the weather outside suck so much that you don’t want to leave home? If you are reading TES on a Friday evening, then you really need help. So, just for you, dear weekend readers, we present you with our guide to surviving the weekend in 6 easy steps:
1st: Don’t kill yourself. Suicide may be the solution recommend by the AUA, American Undertakers Association, but you can’t let them win this battle.
2nd: Don’t listen to music. 99% of all songs are about unrequited love and other dreary situations. You never noticed before because life had been so wonderful and carefree, but now all you hear are stories that are eerily similar to your own.
3rd: Get drunk. Alcohol is the perfect cure for depression. Doctors claim that this leads to addiction, but let’s be honest here: Of course something that makes you feel better is “addictive”!
4th: Start smoking. I suggest two packs a day. Why? Because there are forty cigarettes in two packs and if you smoke forty cigarettes per day, excluding the hours you are asleep, you can smoke a cigarette every twenty-two minutes. This will increase that chances that you have a cigarette in your mouth when a hot chick passes by. Also keep in mind that the smoke is going to cover up the smell of failure that usually keeps girls far away from you.
5th: The most important of all: Don’t stay at home! Go out, even if you are by yourself. If you have been following all of these instructions up until now, 3 and 4 will start to take effect even before you get into the club. Drink more, wait for girls, never make the first move and remember: Don’t be yourself, be somebody that actually is cool!
6th: And now go out and show us what you are made of. But please, no naked drunken dancing in public!
- Simone la Cuercha (acid like never before)
Filed under Random Musing, Simone la Cuercha
