So you’ve been faithful to all of the diets. You’ve followed every instruction to the tee. Thanks to the Gin and Tonic Diet, your social life took off to delirious heights. You were surrounded by wonderful friends in a place where everybody knew your name. You weren’t just a Joe Schmoe or a Plane Jane. You were Joe the Lion, the King of the Night. You were Jane the most popular girl at that Irish pub. But then the problems started. John got sick of washing the puke and piss out of his pants. Jane grew tired of waking up in random guys’ beds.
After a while, loneliness and a crummy sex-life convinced you that it was time to put on some weight. This is where the Cheeseburger Diet came to the rescue. That is until you found out that nobody likes weight in places where it’s not needed. This is apparently called being fat.
Then you thought that the Cigarette Diet was just what you where looking for. Unfortunately, your trip to the hospital this morning convinced you otherwise. Doctors diagnosed you with a lung cancer that is going to make you look like a skeleton. Now you’re worried about dying and are feeling a little blue. Well, fear no more, for your favorite diet column is here to help once again.
You have indeed come to the right place, my friend, because at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity we always have the perfect solution just for you. Feeling down and out? Then try the Chocolate Diet! Cheap, easy to find and full of all the energy that you need to face the rest of your short and painful life with a smile on your face. Who cares that your wife left you as soon as she heard about your cancer? Who cares that the stupid oaf, who used to live with you, split as soon as your body started to go? Repeat after me: We don’t need them. We have chocolate, the perfect anti-depressant, a true friend!
But this offer is available for a limited time only! Rumor says that the government is calling chocolate an illicit drug and that soon they will enforce a ban on it. This of course explains why everyone is so rich in Switzerland. Thanks to the chocolate cartels, of course! So don’t wait, the Chocolate Diet is awaiting its latest victims… errr… happy satisfied customers!
- Simone la Cuercha
Yes, we are pestering you. Yes, we are spamming you! Every day, without shame. It wasn’t enough to write a daily article about nothing and post on our Facebook, “subtlely” encouraging you to read our articles. Now TES is on Twitter! Are you one of the “thousands of hundreds” that can’t live without us? What? Did you cheer with us when our site got flagged for explicit content? When your mother caught you while you were looking at porn, did you use Carlos’s article In Defense of Pornography as your defense? Did you get grounded anyway, as if the emotional trauma was not bad enough? Do you know why you got grounded? Because you are an idiot! And do you know why you are an idiot? Because you read too much Tales of Extraordinary Sanity!
Results of a European survey – and Europeans know everything – show how reading bullshit on a regular basis can seriously damage your neuronal connections. The brain starts the production of a toxic neurotransmitter – Stupidin – that inhibits the communication between synapses and causes insanity and hysteria. But the worst of all: top-secret governmental research seems to indicate that Stupidin is the cause of happiness and independent thinking. Stupidin was discovered by the Nazi scientist Hans Fuchshard Kulen during the ‘40s. Fuchshard Kulen’s hope was to discover the cause of male superiority over women. Sad to say, his final results showed that Stupidin is present in equal quantities among all humans. After the war the US government helped him defect to the US to continue his research during the late ‘60s.
Apparently, high concentrations of Stupidin can help people attain higher levels of consciousness and desires for freedom. As a result, every governmental attempt at brainwashing people has been compromised by Stupidin. But the US government learned from Hans Fuchshard Kulen’s results, and since the ‘70s, the FBI has been monitoring and containing outbreaks of Stupidin. Why am I telling you all of this? Because it has been proven that reading Tales of Extraordinary Sanity increases one’s levels of Stupidin. For this reason we will continue publishing daily without fail, until the day “they”come for us.
So don’t forget: Tales of Extraordinary Sanity is now on twitter!
- Simone la Cuercha