I always loved to eat: to eat good food. Despite what is written in the diet column of Tales of Extraordinary Sanity – and I must say, I am completely against the editorial choices that this project is taking as of late – if there is one thing you shouldn’t joke about, it’s food.
Millions – what am I saying? – Billions of people die every year because of bad food. Food must be cooked with mastery and Grace (my sweet friend Grace, her flesh is so tender…). Have you heard about those poor children dying of starvation in Africa? They are not dying because you didn’t finish your meal! That’s the crap that your grandmother used to tell you when you didn’t finish her disgusting over-salted “homemade” French fries. The ones covered in mustard, remember? And she knows that you can’t stand mustard.
Why is good food so important? Because I love good food! Why is it that when I am in a Sushi restaurant, the cook is always Korean? And how come when I go to a Korean restaurant the cook studied in Japan? A “salty crêpe” means salty, so why does this one – that costs 5 bucks since I am downtown – taste like Nutella?
And pizza. God, PIZZA!!! Pizza can be made out of provolone and ketchup, if you want to eat shit. Haven’t they ever heard of mozzarella and tomato sauce? And no, you can’t just bake it for two minutes either. I am having these and hundreds of other considerations – and hallucinations – while I lie here collapsed on the sidewalk thanks to that slice of pizza which I bought from that street vendor. Because yes, I am stupid! And something starts to grow inside of me. And it’s not the dough of the pizza that only now starts to ferment and grow in my stomach. But something else starts to come out of me. And it’s loathing, loathing for myself, because I’ve forgotten what real food is. Disgust for my lazy ass, that made me eat this shit: something I would only feed to my grandmother. “I’ve had enough of this shit!!!”.
Are you sick of this as well? Then go to the Grocery store, spend 20 bucks and go home. Wash your fucking pots and pans – who knows what kind of readers we might have. Get a clean chopping board and a sharp knife and cook! Girls love guys that know how to cook – since they have forgotten how to do it themselves. And if you are a girl, reading this: learn to cook as well! Guys love eating – and you can make him do anything once he is well fed. Don’t know where to start? You can read, right? So google “recipes” and pick one. Just an hour of hard work – a good time to forget the miseries of life – and then “violà, bon appétit.”
– Simone “Child” La Cuercha