The Hunt — Chapter VI: Girls Can’t Hunt

This is a serial story told over many chapters. To see the first chapter click here. To see the previous chapter click here.

Kirill inspected his fingers, which had turned bright red. Gently blowing warm air, he slowly rubbed his hands together. When he could freely move each of his fingers, he cracked his knuckles and quietly chuckled to himself.

After he had turned back around to face Fedir, Kirill squinted and momentarily covered his eyes. The sun was out, and its harsh glare glistened in the endless sea of white. Kirill patiently massaged his eyes with his palms before recommencing the deliberate march towards the forest.

Confused, Alena chased after them and shouted:

- I’m serious. I’m going with you.

Fedir shook his head and replied without a backward glance:

- Are you kidding? Why would we let you come along? You’re a girl.

Alena paused as she quickly shifted her eyes from Kirill to Fedir to the ground and then back again.

- What’s wrong with being a girl?

-Where do I start? Girls are weak, stupid, ugly, annoying, dumb… and they smell bad! We couldn’t even use you as bait for the tig–

Alena stopped Fedir before he could finish, clocking him square in the jaw with a clenched fist. Fedir toppled over onto his back. Startled, Alena stammered a muffled apology and hastily bowed to both boys in turn.

Kirill, meanwhile, had collapsed in the snow he was laughing so hard. Finally, he ambled back to Fedir, who was violently scraping at the frozen earth with his sword, and helped him up. Then Kirill calmly turned to Alena and taking her aside, quietly told her:

- Don’t worry about it. In spite of his golden locks and his delicate frame, he is a lot tougher than he appears. All the whining and moaning is just his way of showing his respect for you.

Nodding, Alena bowed to Kirill again and softly replied:

- Thank you!

- As for our little hunt, you are welcome to come along if you want. Just don’t expect a fun carefree adventure. My father, after all, was considered the fiercest and bravest of all the hunters in our village before the tiger killed him. It’s possible that we might not make it back home again.

To be continued…

- Carlos de la Gringa

A Once in a Lifetime Apology

Dear TES-Faithful,

Back in June I would never have imagined that this day could come… And yet, here I am, the Master of the Extraordinary, extending a most sincere apology to all of our loyal readers who have put up with our unnecessarily long hiatus from the hallowed pages of the legendary institution that is Tales of Extraordinary Sanity.

But then again, I also would never have guessed that Simone would suddenly go back to Italy without the slightest warning to complete his “studies” or that Carlos would run off to Brazil to find “true love”. It just proves the weak, despicable and down right disgusting nature of the people I’ve had to work with here at TES in order to bring you your beloved articles. This is the last time I ever agree to work with humans.

Anyways, we’re back. Although we will no longer be publishing articles every day, according to the Internal Revenue Service we are still considered a daily. So get excited because we have some new columns lined up for you as well as the typical TES content you’ve come to love and expect.

 

Extraordinarily Yours,

 

- The Master of the Extraordinary

 

PS. Rest assured that those responsible for our extended absence will be adequately punished.

How to be a “Tiger”: Pretending to be Rich

Did you miss me? Don’t deny it! I’ve seen all the emails wondering when I would write again, begging for my phone number, suggesting they give me a daily column or rename the site “Tales of the Tiger”. But I’m a magnanimous fellow. I don’t want my colleagues to suffer in my shadows…

Anyways, this time I thought I would talk about something that girls love even more than a man with a college education: A man with money. “But Tiger, I didn’t even go to college; how am I supposed to get money??” I know, I know, relax! I’ve got you covered. Today we’re going to learn how to convince a girl that you’re loaded even if you’re in debt to your grandmother.

So let’s imagine you’re working at a gas station. A hot chick pulls up and asks you to fill her tank up, what do you say? “Regular or premium?” NO! You tell her: Hi, my name is Chester B. Exxon Mobil IV, I came here today to speak with beautiful customers like you and make sure that you were satisfied with our service.

So a couple days later after asking her out (you did remember to get her number, right?), you swing by to pick her up in your “good as new” 1997 Dodge Neon. Don’t worry! Explain to your lady friend that you swapped cars with your butler so that he could drive his daughter to her wedding in your Lamborghini Diablo.

Now here comes the tricky part, you are going to have to take her out to dinner. Breathe! Pick a fancy and exotic restaurant and let her order whatever she wants. When you’re done eating, start frantically searching under the table. Tell her that you lost your lucky secret decoder ring. Beg her to look in your car while you pay the bill. Wait about two minutes before sprinting out of there yourself.

As you are getting close to her place, clutch your stomach and cry out in pain. Explain that it’s your thyroid; it always acts up this time of night. With a tear in her eye, she’ll grab your hand and let you inside to “nurse you back to health”. It’s going to be a good night, my friend!

- Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

How to be a “Tiger”: Mike’s Guide to Picking up Women

So, I’ve been asking myself lately, Mike, what pearls of wisdom should you impart upon the masses this week? Boy, people just don’t appreciate how hard it is to be a smart talented handsome twenty-something guy.  They’re just too many things I know about the world that you don’t.  Because let’s face it, being the “Tiger” means being awesome.  But after reading some of the ridiculous questions that the Master of the Extraordinary receives, I suddenly realized my calling: I should teach you guys how to pick up chicks.  How to prove to the ladies that you’re the champ. Cause that’s what it’s all about after all, showing them you’re the champ!

 You’ve got to be the boss.  You know what’s going on.  You’re the greatest thing that ever happened to them.  But just when they start to get attached to you, WHOOSH!  You disappear into thin air like you were never there, like a brief but wonderful dream, the best dream they ever had or ever will have in their whole life.

Anyways, today I wanted to focus on picking a name.  A sexy, mysterious magical name.  After all, you can’t just go up to a girl and say, hi, my name is Mike. No, no, no!  Do you want to spend the rest of your life looking at porn in your mother’s basement? So come on, think of something good.  “Tiger” for example is a great name.  It’s a powerful, dangerous, beautiful animal.  Hey, baby, would you like to go for a ride in the jungle with the “Tiger”?  See, much better!  She is already dreaming about you picking her up with your big strong arms and throwing her into bed.  You’re just too sexy for life.  You’re an animal.  You’re.. AMAZING!!!!

…..Well, that’s awkward.  You don’t happen to have a towel do you?

-Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara