Nix and the Glowing Vampire

I am pleased to welcome a new columnist to the TES family. He is an expert in his field, occult scare tactics, and even worked for a legendary company (whose name I’m not at liberty to reveal). In addition he has been a good friend of mine for several centuries now and promises to be much more reliable than the other pieces of $#*%, who supposedly worked at this site. So it is with great satisfaction that I present to you: Nix.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

My girlfriend, Euryale, tried to drag me to go see the latest “Twilight” movie the other day using her special girlfriend voodoo:

As I was lying on the couch watching television, she came over and asked, “What do you want to do today?” (I want to lie on the couch and watch tv!) I replied that I didn’t know.

“You know what would be fun? Going out to see a movie together.” Groan. Half-an-hour and several threats to poison my food later, we arrived at the theater.

“What movie do you want to see?” I listed several different action movies, a horror movie, and even a romantic comedy which I might be willing to see as a last resort.

“I really wanted to see ‘Breaking Dawn.’” I rolled my eyes. But she was serious.

“I just wanted to stay at home but I did you the favor of coming out. Now you are telling me that the only movie you want to see is this one!?!?” Euryale started crying.

“We never do anything together. I wanted to spend more time with you.” I begrudgingly conceded.

Five minutes into the movie, I pretended I wasn’t feeling well and headed towards the exit. Then I went across the hall to see the latest Muppets’ movie (Desperate times call for desperate measures!).

When the movie let out, my girlfriend along with about half of the rest of the audience was in tears… over a vampire!

The world is really turning upside down. I never thought I would see the day that some warped individual would reinvent those parasitic worms as hopeless romantics.

You can defend your darling Edward all you want but if you had ever had the displeasure of working with a real life vampire you would be saying something else.  Don’t let their stylish façade fool you. They are nothing more than stuck-up zombies who wear fancy capes and ramble on in a weird accent about vaanting to suck your… Never mind.

While they may seem intelligent, sophisticated and refined, they would cut off an arm without a thought for another hit of blood. I once convinced a vampire named Bogdan to wear a collar around his neck, crouch down on all fours and bark like a dog before offering him some blood out of a plastic bowl, which he eagerly lapped up.

Vampires aren’t suave sexy gentleman; they’re the junkies of the supernatural world.

- Nix

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – An Annoyed Girlfriend

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

How’s it going, honey? Staying out of trouble, I hope. I’m in need of your advice. You see I’m dating this wonderful guy, a real sweetheart. I think I might be falling in love with him. The only problem is he is super disorganized and can’t seem to show up on time for things to save his life. We say we are going to meet up for dinner at 6:00 and he doesn’t show until 7:15. By the time he arrives, I’ve already finished my dessert and an entire bottle of wine that I ordered for the two of us.

It’s terrible. We can’t go to movies or concerts. Black-tie dinners are out of the question. I held a surprise birthday party for him last year, and he was even late to that! It’s getting embarrassing. I care a lot about the guy but this is ridiculous. Is he going to show up halfway through our wedding ceremony too?

Thanks for the help.

Sincerely,

An Annoyed Girlfriend

 

Dear Annoyed Girlfriend,

Honey!? Really? Do you have any idea how old I am? Old enough to be owed a little more respect than that. Seriously, kids these days…

So let’s see. Your boyfriend is a jumbled mess who has lost all semblance of punctuality if indeed he ever possessed it, and you certainly don’t have time for his nonsense. You’re a busy person with appointments to keep and deadlines to meet. It sounds to me like you don’t have time for your boyfriend at all. Dump the loser. But I love him! Don’t make me gag… If he really cared about you, he would find a way to show up on time for your sake.

However, if you truly cannot bear to live without him, there are always other lines of attack. For instance, you could set all the clocks in his house back an hour or two. Just don’t ever let him find out what time it really is. Another option is to angrily cry the next time your lying in bed together, “The only time you’re early to anything is when we’re having sex!” That should fix the problem in a jiffy.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

If you too want advice about what to do with your loser boyfriend, write to talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – A Scared Boyfriend

I have gotten stupid emails from you idiots before but this is easily the dumbest one that I have ever received: 

Dear Master of the Extraordinary, 

Your site is great, bro. I think ya’ll are real funny. Congratulations and keep up the good work! So listen, like, I’m in a bit of a pickle here. You see, I have this fantastic girlfriend; she’s real hot. I mean like smokin’. Trouble is there is something she doesn’t know about me. You see, I may have kind of done some porn or something when I was younger.  Nothing too big, you know. Just a little bit of guy-on-guy action.  Anyways, it was a tough time in my life and I’m not proud of it but it happened. However, it’s over now and I’m a bigger man for it.

So I wanted to ask, should I tell her about my past?  We’ve been a lot more open with each other lately. But I just don’t know how she would take it. If I don’t tell her, I’m also afraid she might accidentally run into some of my videos online. Am I being paranoid? I just don’t want to lose her.

Sincerely,

A Scared Boyfriend

 

Dear Scared Boyfriend,

Congratulations! You have just received the Master of the Extraordinary’s first ever I’m a Huge Dumbass Award. Please give us a forwarding address where we can send you the prize. Otherwise you can come down to our office on 123 I’m a Moron Street to pick it up.

How does it feel? Are you going to take your family to Disney World?  Oh, right…. I forgot.

Have you ever considered getting plastic surgery and changing your name? I mean if the internet already knows, it’s only a matter of time before everybody else finds out. Or you could always just settle for a career as a porn star; there’s no such thing as bad publicity (or so they say…). But if you really want to stay with your girlfriend there is only one solution. Offer to have a threesome with her and another guy before you tell her. She’ll be in such a good mood that you’ll be able to tell her anything.

Cordially,

The Master of the Extraordinary

And remember if you too want to tell me about your stupid problems, I can be reached at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – A Shy Boy

So surprise, surprise, another one of you morons wrote to me.  Can’t you just leave me in peace? You’re taking up precious time that I could be spending with my Linux.

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

I have to admit I’ve never actually visited your site before.  I guess you guys are like comedians or something, right?  It doesn’t really matter; I’ll take advice from anyone at this point, even if you are a creepy robot from outer space. The problem is there is this amazing girl in my psychology class named Carla – and I think I’m in love with her. She is beautiful, intelligent and hilarious. Unfortunately, I’m a little bit shy so I haven’t talked to her yet.  Last week I tried to hide a poem I wrote inside her backpack, but I don’t think she found it. I’m starting to get worried. Please tell me Mr. Extraordinary, what should I do to win her love?

Thanks for the help!

A Shy Boy

Dear Shy Boy,

You’re not even a fan of our site!?! Why the fuck should I waste my time with you then? (They’re always idiots….)

Basically you have two options:

1) Ask her out on a date.  She’ll probably say no because you’re kind of creepy but at least you can move onto staring at some other chick.

2) Confess to her your undying love and tell her that you two were destined to be together. This option is my personal favorite because after she puts a restraining order on you, it’ll be easier to convince other girls that you’re a badass.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

And remember if you too would like to be verbally abused by a “creepy robot from outer space” (at least I get laid, fuckers), send an email to talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – Perplexed Girlfriend

I can’t believe they talked me into doing a second one.  There is nothing funny about me giving “relationship advice”.  I just hope this doesn’t turn into a regular thing….

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

So I guess you have a cool site or whatever.  But like, you need to help me, NOW!  I’m having a problem with my boyfriend.  We’ve been dating for a couple months and he still hasn’t visited my home, even though I’ve been to his place all the time. Whenever I suggest it, he always says he is too busy or simply changes the subject.  It’s very weird.  I live with five other girls, who are practically sisters to me.  I’m sure he would get along with them, and they would find him adorable.  While the house can be a bit hectic and loud at times, it’s still a lot of fun.  Please tell me, what can I do to get him to come over?? Thanks so much!

Sincerely,

Perplexed Girlfriend

Dear Perplexed Girlfriend,

Your boyfriend doesn’t want to take part in your estrogen-fueled slumber parties?  I’m so shocked to hear that; I can’t imagine why (sarcasm). Whoever said that girls were the gentler sex obviously never had to live with them.  They are loud, messy, and they create drama by talking about each other behind their backs instead of just stepping outside and having it out. Be thankful your boyfriend hasn’t set foot inside your house yet!  It’s better this way; trust me.

Cordially,

The Master of the Extraordinary

-Ed. Just to be clear, the views expressed by The Master of the Extraordinary are his and his alone. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the site as a whole. I think you should just tell your boyfriend how you feel.  If he can’t respect your feelings then dump him.

Fucking pansy! No wonder you’re alone. Nobody cares what you think. Also I’m supposed tell people that if they want me to give them advice then they should write me with their questions at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com (please don’t!).

-The Master of the Extraordinary

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – Computer Nerd

I was busy coding the other day when I received a strange email from one of our readers:

Dear Tales of Extraordinary Sanity,

I am your biggest fan! I have read every single article that you have ever written and think that you guys are comic geniuses! I don’t know how you guys do it but keep up the good work!

Anyways, since you all seem so smart, I was wondering if you could help me out with a small problem that I have been having lately. You see, my girlfriend has been complaining a lot about the amount of time that I spend on the computer. Apparently, I don’t pay enough attention to her or some bullshit like that. I don’t know what the big deal is. What’s wrong with coming home from a long day at work and screwing around, visiting sites like yours? I need to unwind! Why can’t she understand that??

Thanks for the help!

Sincerely,

A Big Computer Nerd

Do I look like an advice columnist to you!?! I sure as hell don’t remember asking our readers to “please tell us your problems at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com and we will help you out in a jiffy!” I don’t have time for this shit. You think this site is going to just run itself? *&$%#@*#%@……..

….Alright, Simone and Carlos have convinced me to respond, just this once, so here goes:

Dear Big Computer Nerd,

You fucking idiot! What’s wrong with you? Your girlfriend is calling out to you, “Baby, I miss you, I need you sooo bad right now” and you’re staring at a computer screen? Rather than picking her up and throwing her into bed, you diddle around looking at porn!! If you really enjoy watching that farting one-eyed octopus more than her, have your girlfriend give me a call and everybody can go home happy.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

PS Don’t anybody ever write me again!

- The Master of the Extraordinary