Chronicles for the darker side

There is nothing funnier in life than death, especially those deaths that occur under weird stupid circumstances. Indeed it is surprising how often this happens. For this reason TES is always working hard to satisfy your desires for morbidly depraved nonsense. Our eager team of investigators is down in the streets 24/7, chasing leads no matter where they take us. That’s why I am glad to present the newest member of the TES writing staff: Irving Scott and his column: “Chronicles from the Darker Side.”

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Today’s case took place at the University of Springfield. Doctor Johnson, a senior professor of dietetics who had worked for the University for more than 20 years and who was a well known and respected member of the community, died yesterday morning during his class presentation on water.

Doctor Johnson was trying to explain to the students the numerous health benefits derived from drinking water. Before the presentation, the company Estonian Spring had even offered free bottles of water to the students, who were all unaware of the existence of such an important element of their alimentation. Only one student out of several dozen had declared that he consumed water and even so, only when neither soda nor liquor was available.

Unfortunately during his presentation Doctor Johnson started to cough. Doctor Johnson continued coughing louder and louder, and then completely exhausted, he began choking. Students sat silently and watched not knowing how to help their professor. A perplexed student reported that his last words were: “Please, may I have a glass of water?”

When questioned about the events, Sheriff Christian Agato declared, “Apparently […] students were clueless as to how to save their beloved professor. There were no glasses in the room and nobody knew what to do with all those water bottles… The widow, Mrs. Johnson, in a press conference a few days later, stated her intention to sue Estonian Spring for not including safety labels affirming that “these bottles are good for consumption.”

Hopefully, justice will be served swiftly and this unfortunate matter will be laid to rest so that we can all reflect on its meaning in our own special ways. In the mean time, police have begun searching for possible suspects in the murder, but it is hard to imagine that the true culprit will be found in such a strange tragic death.

- Irving Scott

What Women “Do”

Men think that they know what women want. They even think that they know everything that we do and that we’re capable of doing. Feeling strengthened by my womanly power, I decided to use my sway to once again write on the pages of this disgusting daily magazine. I hate TES!

- Dr. Jane Smith

Women drink from straws and not directly out of the glass (we’re not pigs after all) so as not to ruin our lipstick and to make sure we always look gorgeous. On second thought, women don’t suck at all, neither from a straw nor in their outlook. We are wonderful and beautiful like princesses. And this brings me to my next point.

Women – especially blondes – are princesses and for this reason, they don’t poop or fart like all of you lowly peasants. However, we do still pee.

Women love to talk. If it were up to us, we would always talk, especially among our girlfriends. This is why we go to the bathroom in packs so that the conversation never ends.

‘No’ is the preferred response to a woman’s question. “Am I fat?” “NO!” “Am I ugly?” “NO!” “Do I talk too much?” “NO!”

“Are you sure?” “YES!” ‘Yes’ is a woman’s second favorite response.

N.B.: the time that passes between a question and its answer is of utmost importance. Actually there shouldn’t be any pause at all. Women are not as stupid as you idiotic guys seem to think. If you are hesitating that means you are thinking about your answer. It means that you are going to say the truth, and if there is one thing that women hate, it’s the truth. We already know the truth, you moron! We are asking you for reassurance, not to be told what we already know.

Women love to have our loved one’s attention. So if you are wondering why you can never go out with your friends for a beer, or play for 30 minutes with the latest app you bought for your iPhone, it’s because you are not paying enough attention to your girlfriend.

‘‘Enough’’ in every woman’s dictionary is a synonym of “always”, “completely”, “all the time,” “again” and “a lot”. So if your girlfriend says that you are not paying enough attention to her, then move your ass. She needs you. That means now. And that means “again” because it’s “all the time”.  Stop reading this stupid daily, and go do something for her.

- Dr. Jane Smith

The Diet Column – Chocolate

So you’ve been faithful to all of the diets. You’ve followed every instruction to the tee. Thanks to the Gin and Tonic Diet, your social life took off to delirious heights. You were surrounded by wonderful friends in a place where everybody knew your name. You weren’t just a Joe Schmoe or a Plane Jane. You were Joe the Lion, the King of the Night. You were Jane the most popular girl at that Irish pub. But then the problems started. John got sick of washing the puke and piss out of his pants. Jane grew tired of waking up in random guys’ beds.

After a while, loneliness and a crummy sex-life convinced you that it was time to put on some weight. This is where the Cheeseburger Diet came to the rescue. That is until you found out that nobody likes weight in places where it’s not needed. This is apparently called being fat.

Then you thought that the Cigarette Diet was just what you where looking for. Unfortunately, your trip to the hospital this morning convinced you otherwise. Doctors diagnosed you with a lung cancer that is going to make you look like a skeleton. Now you’re worried about dying and are feeling a little blue. Well, fear no more, for your favorite diet column is here to help once again.

You have indeed come to the right place, my friend, because at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity we always have the perfect solution just for you. Feeling down and out? Then try the Chocolate Diet! Cheap, easy to find and full of all the energy that you need to face the rest of your short and painful life with a smile on your face. Who cares that your wife left you as soon as she heard about your cancer? Who cares that the stupid oaf, who used to live with you, split as soon as your body started to go? Repeat after me: We don’t need them. We have chocolate, the perfect anti-depressant, a true friend!

But this offer is available for a limited time only! Rumor says that the government is calling chocolate an illicit drug and that soon they will enforce a ban on it. This of course explains why everyone is so rich in Switzerland. Thanks to the chocolate cartels, of course! So don’t wait,  the Chocolate Diet is awaiting its latest victims… errr… happy satisfied customers!

- Simone la Cuercha

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary (cont.) – Maria, Maria

This is the response to a reader’s question that I published yesterday:

Dear Maria,

You’re a carioca, huh?  That’s cool… I guess.  Or something.  Are you going to remind me how marvelous your city is?

What is it with all these Brazilians writing me?  It’s ridiculous.  Where do you people come from and who taught you how to speak “English”?  First they took over Orkut, then they took the Olympics, next thing you know, they’ll be taking things as fundamentally American as the hot dog, steak and beer!  I would be outraged if I were an American!  But I’m not. Frankly, if you brought your bathing suits, your music and your joie de vivre to the US, I wouldn’t complain. Just keep it down while I’m programming!

Anyways, Maria, Maria, Maria…

They’re right, you know.  Your English actually is terrible, horrendous even. I don’t know what you want me to do about it.  You people seem to have this notion that just because I’m the Master of the Extraordinary, I am simply going to be able to solve your insignificant little problems.  Look, I’m not a relationship counselor, or a speech therapist or a witch doctor (not that you’d know if I were…).  The point is I can’t make you learn a language magically.

However, if I were you, I would try to improve my English as quickly as possible: watch tv, read books, “make new friends” (Your boyfriend will understand it’s for the greater good). If you still can’t improve your English, just move back to Brazil. I find it hard to believe that any guy would be able to turn down beach, sun and Brazilian-style fun.

Cordially Yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

PS Qualquer coisa, esqueça do seu namorado e eu vou para Rio com você.

If you too have another idiotic question for the Master of the Extraordinary, I can be reached at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.  

- The Master of the Extraordinary

“Help, I dont spik inglish”

This crazy chick sent me a email so long that I’m going to have to wait to respond until tomorrow:

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

I am called Maria. I have 20 years old and I come from Rio de Janeiro. I am in love with my boyfriend Matt and it’s one year that I habit at New York living with him. I love USA, but everybody makes fun of me and kid about my English. I don’t know what to do. And USA is really a racist place. When I spik with my accent my friends all make jokes about how I pronounce things and words. The life is really hard and I am worried of leaving my love because I don’t like live in USA anymore. Master of Extraordinary, I need your help, your my only hope. How can I make my English better? I want to be free from mistakes and to stay with my boyfriend. I can understand that at the beginning he was in love with my strange way to speak, but now he starts to be worried and annoyed of my way to speak and write. I embarrass him. Yesterday I was at a Mc Donalds and it took me 5 minutes to order a Cheeseburger because the girl couldn’t understand what I was saying. I went back to the table Matt asked me “why you do cry?” I tryied already everything. Watching movies, reading a lot of books. But nothing, nothing seems to work. In a week we are going to visit Matt’s parents for the first time and her mother doesn’t like me at all. I want to be even with that bitch. She doesn’t like me because she think that I am with Matt only for the green card. Who wants to live in this country with all this mean people. I want to go back in Brazil where my family is, and they love all of us, my and Matt. But Matt doesn’t speak Portuguese. Master of Extraordinary what can I do? You thing there is a solution for me?

A desperate English speaker, Maria.

To be continued…

- The Master of the Extraordinary