What Women “Do”

Men think that they know what women want. They even think that they know everything that we do and that we’re capable of doing. Feeling strengthened by my womanly power, I decided to use my sway to once again write on the pages of this disgusting daily magazine. I hate TES!

- Dr. Jane Smith

Women drink from straws and not directly out of the glass (we’re not pigs after all) so as not to ruin our lipstick and to make sure we always look gorgeous. On second thought, women don’t suck at all, neither from a straw nor in their outlook. We are wonderful and beautiful like princesses. And this brings me to my next point.

Women – especially blondes – are princesses and for this reason, they don’t poop or fart like all of you lowly peasants. However, we do still pee.

Women love to talk. If it were up to us, we would always talk, especially among our girlfriends. This is why we go to the bathroom in packs so that the conversation never ends.

‘No’ is the preferred response to a woman’s question. “Am I fat?” “NO!” “Am I ugly?” “NO!” “Do I talk too much?” “NO!”

“Are you sure?” “YES!” ‘Yes’ is a woman’s second favorite response.

N.B.: the time that passes between a question and its answer is of utmost importance. Actually there shouldn’t be any pause at all. Women are not as stupid as you idiotic guys seem to think. If you are hesitating that means you are thinking about your answer. It means that you are going to say the truth, and if there is one thing that women hate, it’s the truth. We already know the truth, you moron! We are asking you for reassurance, not to be told what we already know.

Women love to have our loved one’s attention. So if you are wondering why you can never go out with your friends for a beer, or play for 30 minutes with the latest app you bought for your iPhone, it’s because you are not paying enough attention to your girlfriend.

‘‘Enough’’ in every woman’s dictionary is a synonym of “always”, “completely”, “all the time,” “again” and “a lot”. So if your girlfriend says that you are not paying enough attention to her, then move your ass. She needs you. That means now. And that means “again” because it’s “all the time”.  Stop reading this stupid daily, and go do something for her.

- Dr. Jane Smith

Tales of Extraordinary Sanity is on twitter!

Yes, we are pestering you. Yes, we are spamming you! Every day, without shame. It wasn’t enough to write a daily article about nothing and post on our Facebook, “subtlely” encouraging you to read our articles. Now TES is on Twitter! Are you one of the “thousands of hundreds” that can’t live without us? What? Did you cheer with us when our site got flagged for explicit content? When your mother caught you while you were looking at porn, did you use Carlos’s article In Defense of Pornography as your defense? Did you get grounded anyway, as if the emotional trauma was not bad enough? Do you know why you got grounded? Because you are an idiot! And do you know why you are an idiot? Because you read too much Tales of Extraordinary Sanity!

Results of a European survey – and Europeans know everything – show how reading bullshit on a regular basis can seriously damage your neuronal connections. The brain starts the production of a toxic neurotransmitter – Stupidin – that inhibits the communication between synapses and causes insanity and hysteria. But the worst of all: top-secret governmental research seems to indicate that Stupidin is the cause of happiness and independent thinking. Stupidin was discovered by the Nazi scientist Hans Fuchshard Kulen during the ‘40s. Fuchshard Kulen’s hope was to discover the cause of male superiority over women. Sad to say, his final results showed that Stupidin is present in equal quantities among all humans. After the war the US government helped him defect to the US to continue his research during the late ‘60s.

Apparently, high concentrations of Stupidin can help people attain higher levels of consciousness and desires for freedom. As a result, every governmental attempt at brainwashing people has been compromised by Stupidin. But the US government learned from Hans Fuchshard Kulen’s results, and since the ‘70s, the FBI has been monitoring and containing outbreaks of Stupidin. Why am I telling you all of this? Because it has been proven that reading Tales of Extraordinary Sanity increases one’s levels of Stupidin. For this reason we will continue publishing daily without fail, until the day “they”come for us.

So don’t forget: Tales of Extraordinary Sanity is now on twitter!

- Simone la Cuercha

In Defense of Carnival

Today is Ash Wednesday (or it was when I wrote this) and I am sad. Another Carnival has come to an end. Another frigid Carnival spent indoors following coverage on the internet and dreaming of tropical weather, beautiful women and exuberant sounds, colors and smells. But I’m not complaining. Well, maybe a little.

Did the Puritans have to take away everything fun in life? New Orleans is the only place they didn’t touch in this country, the last bastion of pure unadulterated pagan (and vaguely Catholic?) fun. What a pity! It truly is one of the most beautiful and most inspiring celebrations of the year. Seriously!

Now you are welcome to call me a stupid, self-absorbed, Bohemian frat boy, who is only looking for a good time (something I won’t confirm or deny). But if you do, you clearly are missing the point. While Carnival does involve a good amount of having fun, getting drunk, hooking up with strangers, loud music, excessive tourism and commercialization and widespread disorder, there is also something a little more profound going on. For Carnival, is also about letting go of all of your problems for a couple days and allowing yourself to simply enjoy life, stress free, it is about working together to turn a couple of seemingly unimportant days into the most magical time of year, and it is about celebrating life in spite of all the trying difficulties that mankind faces. What could be more beautiful and inspiring than that?

So keep criticizing, if you want. Call me self-centered and uncaring. But don’t expect to be able to save the world, if you’re incapable of occasionally letting loose.

Happy Carnival and see you again next year!

- Carlos de la Gringa