Saturday Night Jives: The Fever Jive

“Nobody believes what you say; it’s just your jive talkin’ that gets in the way.” 

An outlet for all that excess energy

"I thought you said they would be out all weekend on a fishing trip!"

 Next time stick to mussels, fries and beer

Why they evented football

Because otherwise you might do something stupid with all that extra free time on Saturdays and Sundays.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Saturday Night Jives

This is a new type of column we are introducing here at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity called “Saturday Night Jives”. Every Saturday evening we are going to post a few of our favorite images, videos and sites that we came across during the previous week. Comments, criticisms, or suggestions for the following week are more than welcome. Enjoy (or I’ll come and find you)!

Can I help you?

Why you never f#$% with the Marines...

Tell your kids: creativity kills.

Our inner nerd moment

- The Master of the Extraordinary

The Diet Column – The Junk Food Die(t)

Have you ever noticed that if you take away the ‘t’ from ‘diet’, you are left with the word ‘die’?

I know that I am late with the diet column, but I wanted to be sure that it really works this time. That’s why I bought myself a Conscience last week. Conscience is a little monkey that has been testing cigarettes in a laboratory since he was 5 years old. They gave him to me for half-off! Fortunately, except for the whole smoking thing, Conscience is completely healthy. With his help, we have been able to finalize the testing of our latest diet, and now the results are ready to be published. Thank you Conscience!

Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present: The Junk Food Diet! Yes! They always told you that it’s bad to eat candy, that soda is terrible for your digestion, that those delicious chocolate bars are the absolute worst for your appendix, and that all those chips are going to make you fat. They even made you afraid of the word ‘fat’!

Let me tell you a secret: It’s all a load of hooey. I am not saying that junk food is healthy. I am not even saying that fat is good, all I am saying is that there is a reason why the government still allows junk food to be sold in spite of findings proving its harmful consequences. The truth is that they could care less about your health. It’s impossible to stop cholesterol. Nowadays cholesterol is everywhere. Why do you think there are labels on water bottles telling us that they contain 0 g of cholesterol? Because they have to lie to us. We are condemned to be overweight.

The good news is that there is one positive effect of eating junk food: When consumed in high quantities, it is a powerful unstoppable laxative. You heard me right, it’s impossible for the body to absorb! So here is the plan: Go out and buy as much junk food as you possibly can, but remember: Only junk food! Natural or organic produce could inhibit the healthy effects. You should start to see results within a few days.

- Simone la Cuercha

The Ice Box

I left my umbrella behind in the communist state of New York. It’s raining outside and I am starving. And once again I forgot to buy minutes for my cell phone. I only have 60 seconds left on it.

“Good afternoon, Luigi’s Pizza”

“Hi, I’d like a…” “Let me tell you about some of our offers first: since it’s Tuesday we have a great deal if you purchase…”

“No thanks, I just want two large pepperoni pizzas…” “…but if you upgrade that to extra-large and you put two more toppings on it, it’s gonna be only $9.99 a pie… Hello?”

“I said ‘No thanks’, my address is…”

And then there’s a new voice, “We’re sorry but our service has been momentarily suspended. Please contact your nearest service provider or visit our website for more infor…”

“Fuck! #$%@&*%!”

I have only one option left: the fridge. There is a three month old rancid lemon and an orange piece of butter. And then I remember. There is a place I haven’t checked in ages! The freezer!

There has to be something in there. I hold my nose, and I open the door. At first glance, everything seems normal. There are signs of an ancient culinary culture in all its magnificence. I find some mysterious small boxes containing something florescent. One of the lids says, “Gravy – Thanksgiving.” It’s probably poison, but who cares? I certainly don’t. I open the container. But as soon as I lift the lid, something lets out a horrible scream. I chuck it out the window.

I decide to dig deeper into the freezer. There is a headless chicken in a plastic bag, and a small perfectly preserved dinosaur in a block of ice. And then I see them: these wonderful ice-cream sandwiches. The chocolate and vanilla ones. The old lady that lived here before me probably bought them for her grandson or something. I take the box out elated. Yes, I can finally eat. You can’t even imagine how amazing the first bite was. I eat the first one in three seconds. And quickly tear the wrapping off the second one. Then I notice the expiration date: “Best before September 1997…”

I really need to buy a new umbrella.

- Simone la Cuercha

The Subtle Manly Art of Making a Sandwich

I want to apologize for taking so long to write this article but I’ve been preoccupied lately with saving the world. I’m kind of a big deal. The Navy SEALS say they’ve never seen someone so adept in the arts of Kung Fu, Jiu Jitsu, and Capy Bara. Anyways, I can’t go into detail but let’s just say a certain famous Pakistani dude (or was he Assyrian?) won’t be making anymore homemade videos. I should be getting the Congressional Medal of Honor any day now. Boo Rah!*

This week, instead of giving tips about getting the ladies, I thought I would talk about my other great passion: cooking. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “the Tiger” cooks? Can’t he just get a lay-day friend to do it for him? Yes, I can! But there are certain dishes that only a man has that certain je ne sais quoi to make. Top of the list is the sandwich.

Now some may tell you that making a sandwich is easy, but they are wrong, my friend, they are dead wrong. Sandwichry, as I like to call it, is a long intensive process that requires skill, practice and patience. It is the craft of real men. You can’t just slap any old piece of meat together with some processed cheese and call it a sandwich, you have to be conscientious of just how all those different juicy morsels of pure unadulterated goodness are going to melt in your mouth. So choose wisely. But the true mark of the man’s sandwich, a “manwich” if you will, is measured with a yard stick. If your sandwich is stacked so high with assorted meats, cheeses, sauces and vegetables that you can’t pick it up without something falling out, if it’s so massive that you can’t bite into all of it at once, that’s when you know you’ve made a proper sandwich.  Congratulations, compadre! Just remember, no knives or forks allowed!

- Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara

*Ed. TES does not know why Mr. MacNamara disappeared for so long (perhaps gambling debts got too high or an ex- tracked him down?) but we can promise our readers that he had nothing to do with the recent death of terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden. Fortunately, that task was left to actual professionals.

In Defense of Carnivores

I just keep making things worse for myself. People already think I’m a drunken party animal and a perverted deviant, do I really want them to think that I’m a murderer too? I should just quit while I’m ahead. I’m going to alienate the few fans I still have. I’m going to… Fuck it, I love meat too much!

Look, I have no problems with vegetarians. If they don’t want to eat meat that’s great, more for me!! I promise not to make fun of them. Just don’t try to get between me and my food. Don’t you know what happens if you stick your hand inside a dog’s bowl when he’s eating??

I’m a carnivore and I’m proud of it. Why? Because it tastes good! In my mind there is nothing better than gorging myself at a good Brazilian steakhouse (have you ever tried picanha?), unless it’s stuffing myself with lobster rolls in Maine. And you would take this away from me?

I know, I know, I’m a selfish bastard. I’ll be the first to admit it. I was the asshole who didn’t cry when they shot Bambi’s mom. I was the maladjusted kid who always cheered on Tom, hoping that this episode he would finally catch Jerry. The poor cat only wanted to eat.

Let’s face it, carnivores are just cooler than vegetarians. How many of you wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex or a Velociraptor when you were a kid? And how many of you wanted to be a Stegosaurus or a Brontasaurus? Hell, the Brontasaurus was so lame that they eventually decided that he didn’t exist.

If a T-rex gets to eat meat why not me? But Carlos, you can survive without eating meat and he can’t. You’re an omnivore; you have a choice. Alright, you’ve got me there. I’ll stop eating meat. You will? Yes. On one condition. Anything Carlos! Convince my friend the grizzly bear to stop eating meat first.

- Carlos de la Gringa

Mastering the Art of Eating

I always loved to eat: to eat good food. Despite what is written in the diet column of Tales of Extraordinary Sanity – and I must say, I am completely against the editorial choices that this project is taking as of late – if there is one thing you shouldn’t joke about, it’s food.

Millions – what am I saying? – Billions of people die every year because of bad food. Food must be cooked with mastery and Grace (my sweet friend Grace, her flesh is so tender…). Have you heard about those poor children dying of starvation in Africa? They are not dying because you didn’t finish your meal! That’s the crap that your grandmother used to tell you when you didn’t finish her disgusting over-salted “homemade” French fries. The ones covered in mustard, remember? And she knows that you can’t stand mustard.

Why is good food so important? Because I love good food! Why is it that when I am in a Sushi restaurant, the cook is always Korean? And how come when I go to a Korean restaurant the cook studied in Japan? A “salty crêpe” means salty, so why does this one – that costs 5 bucks since I am downtown – taste like Nutella?
And pizza. God, PIZZA!!! Pizza can be made out of provolone and ketchup, if you want to eat shit. Haven’t they ever heard of mozzarella and tomato sauce? And no, you can’t just bake it for two minutes either. I am having these and hundreds of other considerations – and hallucinations – while I lie here collapsed on the sidewalk thanks to that slice of pizza which I bought from that street vendor. Because yes, I am stupid! And something starts to grow inside of me. And it’s not the dough of the pizza that only now starts to ferment and grow in my stomach. But something else starts to come out of me. And it’s loathing, loathing for myself, because I’ve forgotten what real food is. Disgust for my lazy ass, that made me eat this shit: something I would only feed to my grandmother. “I’ve had enough of this shit!!!”.

Are you sick of this as well? Then go to the Grocery store, spend 20 bucks and go home. Wash your fucking pots and pans – who knows what kind of readers we might have. Get a clean chopping board and a sharp knife and cook! Girls love guys that know how to cook – since they have forgotten how to do it themselves. And if you are a girl, reading this: learn to cook as well! Guys love eating – and you can make him do anything once he is well fed. Don’t know where to start? You can read, right? So google “recipes” and pick one. Just an hour of hard work – a good time to forget the miseries of life – and then “violà, bon appétit.”

– Simone “Child” La Cuercha