A Once in a Lifetime Apology

Dear TES-Faithful,

Back in June I would never have imagined that this day could come… And yet, here I am, the Master of the Extraordinary, extending a most sincere apology to all of our loyal readers who have put up with our unnecessarily long hiatus from the hallowed pages of the legendary institution that is Tales of Extraordinary Sanity.

But then again, I also would never have guessed that Simone would suddenly go back to Italy without the slightest warning to complete his “studies” or that Carlos would run off to Brazil to find “true love”. It just proves the weak, despicable and down right disgusting nature of the people I’ve had to work with here at TES in order to bring you your beloved articles. This is the last time I ever agree to work with humans.

Anyways, we’re back. Although we will no longer be publishing articles every day, according to the Internal Revenue Service we are still considered a daily. So get excited because we have some new columns lined up for you as well as the typical TES content you’ve come to love and expect.

 

Extraordinarily Yours,

 

- The Master of the Extraordinary

 

PS. Rest assured that those responsible for our extended absence will be adequately punished.

The iPhone Revolution

Yes, you’re right. Life has gotten awful lately. Let’s talk big picture. Look at all them, playing on their iPhones. There is something really wrong with this picture. What happened to that sense of community, what happened to those wonderful moments spent around a dinner table with the people we love, when a friend was more than just a notification to be confirmed on Facebook, but was somebody to invite over, so that he would meet the family, and the family would have something new to talk about, actual real life conversations? Where did it all go? And what’s taking its place? Zombies on their cell phones, impolite idiots who, even when they are surround by people, prefer to close themselves off in a virtual world, ignoring all that’s around them. It’s…

- Ring ring -

Excuse me a second. The Master of the Extraordinary just wrote me an email…

Carlos, Simone, you fucking idiots! You had better start publishing some articles and fast. Carlos, where the #*&$ are you? And you Simone! Turn on your *)!&%@#$*% iPhone. Speaking of which: they confirmed that  TES is compatible with the iPhone. Check it out and write something about it!

The Master of the Extraordinary

…ok

…So! As I was saying, who wants those awful, boring family dinners anyways? Those huge wastes of time, terrible moments in the lives of kids and grownups both. Let’s be sincere, look at those smart and brilliant guys. You know you want to be just like them. When we were kids, Christmas time was dreadfully boring, my friends and I used to call each other, and run to the nearest place where we could get together. Now we can organize everything on our mobile, sitting there, ignoring our dull, old-fashioned parents and family members. Thank you, technology! Thank you internet phone! Now we can be connected whenever we want, and ignore unpleasant outsiders 24/7.  But remember while your texting away, what could be better than reading another daily article of Tales of Extraordinary Sanity? Your favorite magazine, chasing after you through every possible virtual universe since March 2011!

- Simone la Cuercha

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary (cont.) – Maria, Maria

This is the response to a reader’s question that I published yesterday:

Dear Maria,

You’re a carioca, huh?  That’s cool… I guess.  Or something.  Are you going to remind me how marvelous your city is?

What is it with all these Brazilians writing me?  It’s ridiculous.  Where do you people come from and who taught you how to speak “English”?  First they took over Orkut, then they took the Olympics, next thing you know, they’ll be taking things as fundamentally American as the hot dog, steak and beer!  I would be outraged if I were an American!  But I’m not. Frankly, if you brought your bathing suits, your music and your joie de vivre to the US, I wouldn’t complain. Just keep it down while I’m programming!

Anyways, Maria, Maria, Maria…

They’re right, you know.  Your English actually is terrible, horrendous even. I don’t know what you want me to do about it.  You people seem to have this notion that just because I’m the Master of the Extraordinary, I am simply going to be able to solve your insignificant little problems.  Look, I’m not a relationship counselor, or a speech therapist or a witch doctor (not that you’d know if I were…).  The point is I can’t make you learn a language magically.

However, if I were you, I would try to improve my English as quickly as possible: watch tv, read books, “make new friends” (Your boyfriend will understand it’s for the greater good). If you still can’t improve your English, just move back to Brazil. I find it hard to believe that any guy would be able to turn down beach, sun and Brazilian-style fun.

Cordially Yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

PS Qualquer coisa, esqueça do seu namorado e eu vou para Rio com você.

If you too have another idiotic question for the Master of the Extraordinary, I can be reached at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.  

- The Master of the Extraordinary

“Help, I dont spik inglish”

This crazy chick sent me a email so long that I’m going to have to wait to respond until tomorrow:

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

I am called Maria. I have 20 years old and I come from Rio de Janeiro. I am in love with my boyfriend Matt and it’s one year that I habit at New York living with him. I love USA, but everybody makes fun of me and kid about my English. I don’t know what to do. And USA is really a racist place. When I spik with my accent my friends all make jokes about how I pronounce things and words. The life is really hard and I am worried of leaving my love because I don’t like live in USA anymore. Master of Extraordinary, I need your help, your my only hope. How can I make my English better? I want to be free from mistakes and to stay with my boyfriend. I can understand that at the beginning he was in love with my strange way to speak, but now he starts to be worried and annoyed of my way to speak and write. I embarrass him. Yesterday I was at a Mc Donalds and it took me 5 minutes to order a Cheeseburger because the girl couldn’t understand what I was saying. I went back to the table Matt asked me “why you do cry?” I tryied already everything. Watching movies, reading a lot of books. But nothing, nothing seems to work. In a week we are going to visit Matt’s parents for the first time and her mother doesn’t like me at all. I want to be even with that bitch. She doesn’t like me because she think that I am with Matt only for the green card. Who wants to live in this country with all this mean people. I want to go back in Brazil where my family is, and they love all of us, my and Matt. But Matt doesn’t speak Portuguese. Master of Extraordinary what can I do? You thing there is a solution for me?

A desperate English speaker, Maria.

To be continued…

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – A Shy Boy

So surprise, surprise, another one of you morons wrote to me.  Can’t you just leave me in peace? You’re taking up precious time that I could be spending with my Linux.

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

I have to admit I’ve never actually visited your site before.  I guess you guys are like comedians or something, right?  It doesn’t really matter; I’ll take advice from anyone at this point, even if you are a creepy robot from outer space. The problem is there is this amazing girl in my psychology class named Carla – and I think I’m in love with her. She is beautiful, intelligent and hilarious. Unfortunately, I’m a little bit shy so I haven’t talked to her yet.  Last week I tried to hide a poem I wrote inside her backpack, but I don’t think she found it. I’m starting to get worried. Please tell me Mr. Extraordinary, what should I do to win her love?

Thanks for the help!

A Shy Boy

Dear Shy Boy,

You’re not even a fan of our site!?! Why the fuck should I waste my time with you then? (They’re always idiots….)

Basically you have two options:

1) Ask her out on a date.  She’ll probably say no because you’re kind of creepy but at least you can move onto staring at some other chick.

2) Confess to her your undying love and tell her that you two were destined to be together. This option is my personal favorite because after she puts a restraining order on you, it’ll be easier to convince other girls that you’re a badass.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

And remember if you too would like to be verbally abused by a “creepy robot from outer space” (at least I get laid, fuckers), send an email to talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – Perplexed Girlfriend

I can’t believe they talked me into doing a second one.  There is nothing funny about me giving “relationship advice”.  I just hope this doesn’t turn into a regular thing….

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

So I guess you have a cool site or whatever.  But like, you need to help me, NOW!  I’m having a problem with my boyfriend.  We’ve been dating for a couple months and he still hasn’t visited my home, even though I’ve been to his place all the time. Whenever I suggest it, he always says he is too busy or simply changes the subject.  It’s very weird.  I live with five other girls, who are practically sisters to me.  I’m sure he would get along with them, and they would find him adorable.  While the house can be a bit hectic and loud at times, it’s still a lot of fun.  Please tell me, what can I do to get him to come over?? Thanks so much!

Sincerely,

Perplexed Girlfriend

Dear Perplexed Girlfriend,

Your boyfriend doesn’t want to take part in your estrogen-fueled slumber parties?  I’m so shocked to hear that; I can’t imagine why (sarcasm). Whoever said that girls were the gentler sex obviously never had to live with them.  They are loud, messy, and they create drama by talking about each other behind their backs instead of just stepping outside and having it out. Be thankful your boyfriend hasn’t set foot inside your house yet!  It’s better this way; trust me.

Cordially,

The Master of the Extraordinary

-Ed. Just to be clear, the views expressed by The Master of the Extraordinary are his and his alone. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the site as a whole. I think you should just tell your boyfriend how you feel.  If he can’t respect your feelings then dump him.

Fucking pansy! No wonder you’re alone. Nobody cares what you think. Also I’m supposed tell people that if they want me to give them advice then they should write me with their questions at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com (please don’t!).

-The Master of the Extraordinary

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – Computer Nerd

I was busy coding the other day when I received a strange email from one of our readers:

Dear Tales of Extraordinary Sanity,

I am your biggest fan! I have read every single article that you have ever written and think that you guys are comic geniuses! I don’t know how you guys do it but keep up the good work!

Anyways, since you all seem so smart, I was wondering if you could help me out with a small problem that I have been having lately. You see, my girlfriend has been complaining a lot about the amount of time that I spend on the computer. Apparently, I don’t pay enough attention to her or some bullshit like that. I don’t know what the big deal is. What’s wrong with coming home from a long day at work and screwing around, visiting sites like yours? I need to unwind! Why can’t she understand that??

Thanks for the help!

Sincerely,

A Big Computer Nerd

Do I look like an advice columnist to you!?! I sure as hell don’t remember asking our readers to “please tell us your problems at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com and we will help you out in a jiffy!” I don’t have time for this shit. You think this site is going to just run itself? *&$%#@*#%@……..

….Alright, Simone and Carlos have convinced me to respond, just this once, so here goes:

Dear Big Computer Nerd,

You fucking idiot! What’s wrong with you? Your girlfriend is calling out to you, “Baby, I miss you, I need you sooo bad right now” and you’re staring at a computer screen? Rather than picking her up and throwing her into bed, you diddle around looking at porn!! If you really enjoy watching that farting one-eyed octopus more than her, have your girlfriend give me a call and everybody can go home happy.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

PS Don’t anybody ever write me again!

- The Master of the Extraordinary