In Defense of Immigration

Last time, the Master of the Extraordinary got mad at me because my topic wasn’t sufficiently polemic. “Controversy sells, Carlos, pick something that will piss people off!” So after scratching my head for a while, I finally settled on immigration.

Now I’m sure this will leave no doubt in the rabble-rousers’ minds that I’m up to no good: “Carlos is at it again, corrupting our good old-fashioned American values. Just look at his name, he is probably one of them [a proud Irish-Jewish mutt!]. Let’s deport him now before he causes any more problems.”

As our world has become increasingly globalized, immigration in turn has been rising steadily: Just look at all the immigration to countries in western Europe that until recently had been sources of significant emigration to the Americas. So while we can certainly argue about its pros and cons, the fact of the matter is that there will continue to be an  “immigration problem” as long as significant differences in economic opportunities between neighboring countries persist, and no physical or legal barriers are going to prevent this.

Furthermore, if individuals are willing to travel long distances, braving great dangers both human-made and natural in order to be justly compensated for their hard work, then we should welcome them with open arms. Now some may say, “Carlos, we don’t have a problem with the one’s who enter the country legally, just the one’s who are entering illegally!” This argument might be persuasive if we could all honestly agree that the current laws are sound. However, the desire to change them appears to be one of the few universals in this debate.

Others fear that the immigrants are somehow going to irreparably pervert American culture (Oh God, not tacos, accordion music and Catholicism!). Ultimately, as long as we teach them English, share with them our cultural values, and are willing to learn about theirs, the concerns about Latino, Indian or Arab immigrants today will prove to be just as unfounded as the concerns about Italian, Irish or German immigrants 150 years ago. Call me old fashioned but I still believe that there is inherent value in accepting the world’s “tired”, “poor”, “huddled masses” and “wretched refuse” (Emma Lazarus, 1883).

- Carlos de la Gringa

 

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary (cont.) – Maria, Maria

This is the response to a reader’s question that I published yesterday:

Dear Maria,

You’re a carioca, huh?  That’s cool… I guess.  Or something.  Are you going to remind me how marvelous your city is?

What is it with all these Brazilians writing me?  It’s ridiculous.  Where do you people come from and who taught you how to speak “English”?  First they took over Orkut, then they took the Olympics, next thing you know, they’ll be taking things as fundamentally American as the hot dog, steak and beer!  I would be outraged if I were an American!  But I’m not. Frankly, if you brought your bathing suits, your music and your joie de vivre to the US, I wouldn’t complain. Just keep it down while I’m programming!

Anyways, Maria, Maria, Maria…

They’re right, you know.  Your English actually is terrible, horrendous even. I don’t know what you want me to do about it.  You people seem to have this notion that just because I’m the Master of the Extraordinary, I am simply going to be able to solve your insignificant little problems.  Look, I’m not a relationship counselor, or a speech therapist or a witch doctor (not that you’d know if I were…).  The point is I can’t make you learn a language magically.

However, if I were you, I would try to improve my English as quickly as possible: watch tv, read books, “make new friends” (Your boyfriend will understand it’s for the greater good). If you still can’t improve your English, just move back to Brazil. I find it hard to believe that any guy would be able to turn down beach, sun and Brazilian-style fun.

Cordially Yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

PS Qualquer coisa, esqueça do seu namorado e eu vou para Rio com você.

If you too have another idiotic question for the Master of the Extraordinary, I can be reached at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.  

- The Master of the Extraordinary

“Help, I dont spik inglish”

This crazy chick sent me a email so long that I’m going to have to wait to respond until tomorrow:

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

I am called Maria. I have 20 years old and I come from Rio de Janeiro. I am in love with my boyfriend Matt and it’s one year that I habit at New York living with him. I love USA, but everybody makes fun of me and kid about my English. I don’t know what to do. And USA is really a racist place. When I spik with my accent my friends all make jokes about how I pronounce things and words. The life is really hard and I am worried of leaving my love because I don’t like live in USA anymore. Master of Extraordinary, I need your help, your my only hope. How can I make my English better? I want to be free from mistakes and to stay with my boyfriend. I can understand that at the beginning he was in love with my strange way to speak, but now he starts to be worried and annoyed of my way to speak and write. I embarrass him. Yesterday I was at a Mc Donalds and it took me 5 minutes to order a Cheeseburger because the girl couldn’t understand what I was saying. I went back to the table Matt asked me “why you do cry?” I tryied already everything. Watching movies, reading a lot of books. But nothing, nothing seems to work. In a week we are going to visit Matt’s parents for the first time and her mother doesn’t like me at all. I want to be even with that bitch. She doesn’t like me because she think that I am with Matt only for the green card. Who wants to live in this country with all this mean people. I want to go back in Brazil where my family is, and they love all of us, my and Matt. But Matt doesn’t speak Portuguese. Master of Extraordinary what can I do? You thing there is a solution for me?

A desperate English speaker, Maria.

To be continued…

- The Master of the Extraordinary

TES Artist of the Week VI

Once upon a time, I was reading a book, a collection of short stories. I didn’t know who the author was, but the title and the cover looked promising. In the first short story, a little girl says, “I like you Bukowski. Tell me a story!”

“Well, all right. Jump here on my legs. So… There is this little girl. Alone. In a forest. With an old man…”

The mother comes over, “Bukowski!!! Hands off of my daughter, you pervert!”

All the other stories are about this author who pretends that he is constantly writing in his smoky apartment. The protagonist turns out to be a drunken womanizer, involved in the most terribly sordid love affairs with fat women, middle-aged hags and young prostitutes. This lazy guy, who find himself in the midst of all these crazy adventures, gambles on horse races and spends his money as fast as he can drink it. It soon becomes hard to believe that the “unknown” writer, Henry Chanaski, protagonist of all the stories, is anyone other than Bukowski himself.

So you’re probably wondering what’s so interesting about this guy? Well, it’s amazing how his brilliant short stories are capable of teaching the fundamental truths of everyday life through the tales of the scum of the earth.

I know that I’m a little bit late with this, but nevertheless I am pleased to present as the 6^th TES Artist of the Week, American poet, novelist, and short story writer, Charles Bukowski! As an active writer during the second part of the twentieth century, Bukowski was particularly famous for his satirical poetry and his peculiar style of short stories. He rose to international fame quickly and nowadays is considered a pillar of postmodern literature. Sad as it is to say of an author of his caliber, however, he was never able to achieve the same level of recognition in his own country, most likely a result of working for underground magazines. It should also be mentioned that he was especially critical of the lingering influences of Puritanism in American society.

He has always been a great inspiration for us, here at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity, who are trying to achieve a fraction of what he did during his lifetime. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give you, Charles Bukowski!

- Simone la Cuercha 

Ed. If you would like to read some of Charles Bukowski’s writings, look here.