It’s 4:30 in the morning and I have nothing interesting to say. I’m screwed! If I don’t have something ready by the time my editor wakes up, he is going to fire me. ME!? Can you imagine that? He is already mad at me for “showing up late for work” (clearly, his watch is fast), “wasting time on the computer” (checking facebook, downloading music and watching porn are all productive uses of my time, since you never when you’ll get your next inspiration), and “possessing a general lackadaisical attitude” (Should I bother looking that word up in the dictionary?).
He even said that a “pair of armless blind baboons” could do a better job than me and would cost less too (Talent costs money!!!). Besides, who knows more about “extraordinary sanity” than me? Somebody, who never does any work unless he absolutely has to, never goes to a party unless he already knows who he is going home with and never cooks unless his maid, his sister and his mother are all sick at the same time. Moreover, somebody, who generally finds a way to cheat, lie or steal his way out of any problem that he has ever faced.
You are never going to find anybody else like me! You should be begging me to stay. You should plaster my face on every Goddamn page of your stupid fucking site. Hell, you should build a temple dedicated to my awesomeness, that dwarfs the temples for Zeus, Buddha, Maradona and Charlie Sheen.
How is that for extraordinary sanity, asshole?
- Mike “the Tiger” MacNamara
-Ed. Nice piece but you’re still fired.