A Once in a Lifetime Apology

Dear TES-Faithful,

Back in June I would never have imagined that this day could come… And yet, here I am, the Master of the Extraordinary, extending a most sincere apology to all of our loyal readers who have put up with our unnecessarily long hiatus from the hallowed pages of the legendary institution that is Tales of Extraordinary Sanity.

But then again, I also would never have guessed that Simone would suddenly go back to Italy without the slightest warning to complete his “studies” or that Carlos would run off to Brazil to find “true love”. It just proves the weak, despicable and down right disgusting nature of the people I’ve had to work with here at TES in order to bring you your beloved articles. This is the last time I ever agree to work with humans.

Anyways, we’re back. Although we will no longer be publishing articles every day, according to the Internal Revenue Service we are still considered a daily. So get excited because we have some new columns lined up for you as well as the typical TES content you’ve come to love and expect.

 

Extraordinarily Yours,

 

- The Master of the Extraordinary

 

PS. Rest assured that those responsible for our extended absence will be adequately punished.

Chronicles for the darker side

There is nothing funnier in life than death, especially those deaths that occur under weird stupid circumstances. Indeed it is surprising how often this happens. For this reason TES is always working hard to satisfy your desires for morbidly depraved nonsense. Our eager team of investigators is down in the streets 24/7, chasing leads no matter where they take us. That’s why I am glad to present the newest member of the TES writing staff: Irving Scott and his column: “Chronicles from the Darker Side.”

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Today’s case took place at the University of Springfield. Doctor Johnson, a senior professor of dietetics who had worked for the University for more than 20 years and who was a well known and respected member of the community, died yesterday morning during his class presentation on water.

Doctor Johnson was trying to explain to the students the numerous health benefits derived from drinking water. Before the presentation, the company Estonian Spring had even offered free bottles of water to the students, who were all unaware of the existence of such an important element of their alimentation. Only one student out of several dozen had declared that he consumed water and even so, only when neither soda nor liquor was available.

Unfortunately during his presentation Doctor Johnson started to cough. Doctor Johnson continued coughing louder and louder, and then completely exhausted, he began choking. Students sat silently and watched not knowing how to help their professor. A perplexed student reported that his last words were: “Please, may I have a glass of water?”

When questioned about the events, Sheriff Christian Agato declared, “Apparently […] students were clueless as to how to save their beloved professor. There were no glasses in the room and nobody knew what to do with all those water bottles… The widow, Mrs. Johnson, in a press conference a few days later, stated her intention to sue Estonian Spring for not including safety labels affirming that “these bottles are good for consumption.”

Hopefully, justice will be served swiftly and this unfortunate matter will be laid to rest so that we can all reflect on its meaning in our own special ways. In the mean time, police have begun searching for possible suspects in the murder, but it is hard to imagine that the true culprit will be found in such a strange tragic death.

- Irving Scott

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – A Shy Boy

So surprise, surprise, another one of you morons wrote to me.  Can’t you just leave me in peace? You’re taking up precious time that I could be spending with my Linux.

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

I have to admit I’ve never actually visited your site before.  I guess you guys are like comedians or something, right?  It doesn’t really matter; I’ll take advice from anyone at this point, even if you are a creepy robot from outer space. The problem is there is this amazing girl in my psychology class named Carla – and I think I’m in love with her. She is beautiful, intelligent and hilarious. Unfortunately, I’m a little bit shy so I haven’t talked to her yet.  Last week I tried to hide a poem I wrote inside her backpack, but I don’t think she found it. I’m starting to get worried. Please tell me Mr. Extraordinary, what should I do to win her love?

Thanks for the help!

A Shy Boy

Dear Shy Boy,

You’re not even a fan of our site!?! Why the fuck should I waste my time with you then? (They’re always idiots….)

Basically you have two options:

1) Ask her out on a date.  She’ll probably say no because you’re kind of creepy but at least you can move onto staring at some other chick.

2) Confess to her your undying love and tell her that you two were destined to be together. This option is my personal favorite because after she puts a restraining order on you, it’ll be easier to convince other girls that you’re a badass.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

And remember if you too would like to be verbally abused by a “creepy robot from outer space” (at least I get laid, fuckers), send an email to talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

The Diet Column – Cheeseburger

Are you skinny? Are you so slim that you look transparent? Do you wonder if that dude even knows that you exist? Yes, the guy with large shoulders that  takes the train every day at the same time as you. Remember that crazy chick that always takes a cigarette break in front of your Starbucks? Does she look at every guy that walks by except you? Do you think that’s because you don’t have enough mass? So what are you waiting for? We live in a country blessed by God, where the poorest of men can have bread, cheese and meat for a few bucks. We live in the USA. What are you waiting for? Let’s get started!

You just have to eat three cheeseburgers a day without fail. Every single day, I’m not joking, even weekends. Eat three cheeseburgers even if you’re not hungry. And don’t even think about going to the bathroom to puke. Our special team of bulimic guards are waiting behind the door ready to kick the shit “into” you. It’s impossible to get results without determination: we are going to get fatter or die trying. Give it a few weeks. When your liver starts to collapse and your pants start to feel tighter and tighter, take a look in the mirror and admire those wonderful love-handles that will be there at the side of your hips. Guys love having something to hold onto. It’s even the best way to enlarge your breasts naturally! Cheeseburgers! Get all the varieties of fat your body needs, with juicy morsels of awesome – and cholesterol. Or even go for a Muslim/Jewish nightmare: pile on some bacon, the perfect sin!

Cheeseburger diet! The best sandwich ever invented, three times a day.

In just two months you’ll start seeing results. And when you’re there shitting your soul out on the toilet, praying that you had never been born, remember that there is no beauty without suffering. This is &*%%$ -ing worth it because as my uncle always used to say,

“Nobody wants to fuck a bag of bones”.

- Simone la Cuercha

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – Perplexed Girlfriend

I can’t believe they talked me into doing a second one.  There is nothing funny about me giving “relationship advice”.  I just hope this doesn’t turn into a regular thing….

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

So I guess you have a cool site or whatever.  But like, you need to help me, NOW!  I’m having a problem with my boyfriend.  We’ve been dating for a couple months and he still hasn’t visited my home, even though I’ve been to his place all the time. Whenever I suggest it, he always says he is too busy or simply changes the subject.  It’s very weird.  I live with five other girls, who are practically sisters to me.  I’m sure he would get along with them, and they would find him adorable.  While the house can be a bit hectic and loud at times, it’s still a lot of fun.  Please tell me, what can I do to get him to come over?? Thanks so much!

Sincerely,

Perplexed Girlfriend

Dear Perplexed Girlfriend,

Your boyfriend doesn’t want to take part in your estrogen-fueled slumber parties?  I’m so shocked to hear that; I can’t imagine why (sarcasm). Whoever said that girls were the gentler sex obviously never had to live with them.  They are loud, messy, and they create drama by talking about each other behind their backs instead of just stepping outside and having it out. Be thankful your boyfriend hasn’t set foot inside your house yet!  It’s better this way; trust me.

Cordially,

The Master of the Extraordinary

-Ed. Just to be clear, the views expressed by The Master of the Extraordinary are his and his alone. They do not necessarily reflect the views of the site as a whole. I think you should just tell your boyfriend how you feel.  If he can’t respect your feelings then dump him.

Fucking pansy! No wonder you’re alone. Nobody cares what you think. Also I’m supposed tell people that if they want me to give them advice then they should write me with their questions at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com (please don’t!).

-The Master of the Extraordinary

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – Computer Nerd

I was busy coding the other day when I received a strange email from one of our readers:

Dear Tales of Extraordinary Sanity,

I am your biggest fan! I have read every single article that you have ever written and think that you guys are comic geniuses! I don’t know how you guys do it but keep up the good work!

Anyways, since you all seem so smart, I was wondering if you could help me out with a small problem that I have been having lately. You see, my girlfriend has been complaining a lot about the amount of time that I spend on the computer. Apparently, I don’t pay enough attention to her or some bullshit like that. I don’t know what the big deal is. What’s wrong with coming home from a long day at work and screwing around, visiting sites like yours? I need to unwind! Why can’t she understand that??

Thanks for the help!

Sincerely,

A Big Computer Nerd

Do I look like an advice columnist to you!?! I sure as hell don’t remember asking our readers to “please tell us your problems at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com and we will help you out in a jiffy!” I don’t have time for this shit. You think this site is going to just run itself? *&$%#@*#%@……..

….Alright, Simone and Carlos have convinced me to respond, just this once, so here goes:

Dear Big Computer Nerd,

You fucking idiot! What’s wrong with you? Your girlfriend is calling out to you, “Baby, I miss you, I need you sooo bad right now” and you’re staring at a computer screen? Rather than picking her up and throwing her into bed, you diddle around looking at porn!! If you really enjoy watching that farting one-eyed octopus more than her, have your girlfriend give me a call and everybody can go home happy.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

PS Don’t anybody ever write me again!

- The Master of the Extraordinary

The Diet Column – Gin & Tonic

Are you satisfied with your academic life? Are you tired of your friends: those wonderful people that used to make your plain and boring life exciting? Do you want to meet somebody new? A random stranger in a dirty and disgusting place for example? People that only are with you as long as you have money to buy them free drinks?

Are you tired of always gaining the respect and appreciation of everybody around you? Are you tired of sleeping in the same bed every night? Are you tired of reading questions that start with “Are you?”

“You” willing to eksperieance what tazz it means to write incompreanseble centenches? Is your spelling perfect? Are you the smartest kid in your class? Does your teacher’s smile make you feel uncomfortable? What? Do all your classmates look at you like a “know it all”?

Do you love your job? Are you living in an upward spiral of hard-work and self-satisfaction? Is your life, simply, #@&%!$£$% amazing?

Are you sick of it?!?

THEN ( or was it THAN?) the Gin & Tonic diet is what you were looking for!!! Only 7 days, and you’ll see guaranteed results. We are not talking about a miracle. Just drink only 27 oz a days and you will notice results after the first hour. And please, feel free to stop by and speak at any time with our representatives begging for you 24/7 down the streets. Gin and Tonic diet. You can’t miss it!

“I am sorry, ma’am, what time is it?” “It’s always Gin O’Clock son!”

- Simone La Cuercha