There are times in life when…

It’s a gloomy day outside. One of those days where you just sit and reflect on those special times in life.

There are times in life when you wake up at six in the morning, because your phone thinks that it’s already eight in the morning. Then you realize that it’s not your cell phone’s fault at all but your own for setting it to the wrong time. And this is the second time that you have woken up too early. Because the day before, someone called you at four in the morning to sell you a fridge at the “incredibly low price” of  fifty dollars including taxes.

There are times in life when you want everything to be perfect, but everything goes completely wrong. Like when you were helping your friend Paul to organize a surprise party for his girlfriend and suddenly she comes inside the apartment with another dude. “Don’t worry honey, nobody is going to bother us. That shit-bag  boyfriend of mine went out of town, he won’t be back until tomorrow. Can you believe that he forgot about my birthday?”

There are times in life when you want everything not to be true, and thank god that it wasn’t! The dude with Paul’s girlfriend in reality was her friend Silvia, a six-foot-two woman with large shoulders and a pale white mustache who was keeping Paul’s girlfriend company since she was alone on her birthday.

There are times in life when Paul wakes up in the morning with a girl, who looks an awful lot like Silvia, lying next to him because he drank too much at the surprise party. But there are also times in life when you wake up and everything seems perfect. You get up and go to the fridge to grab some milk for your coffee. And the milk is there, waiting for you. You don’t have to go out in the rain to buy some. Everything is perfect!

And there are also times in life when you need to run to the bathroom because the coffee you heated up in the microwave this morning was the same coffee that you made two weeks ago, and you have a pretty good idea of what will happen if you don’t make it to the toilet in time.

I am sorry. I have to run!

– Simone la Cuercha

My Precious Caffeine

Today, I thought that I would give you an update on my strike. I don’t know if you remember but it’s been almost three weeks now since I declared war on sleep, disgusted with the cruel corrupt grip it has over all of us. And the fight has been going surprisingly well. It’s been over a week since I last blinked. I’ve been very loyal to the cause in all aspects.

But, the greatest thing about this strike is that through it, I’ve met the love of my life: Caffeine. She’s absolutely wonderful. She is always there for me when I need her. Whether I’m in the mood for an Irish Breakfast or I just want it black, she always knows exactly how to please me. And did I mention she’s hot?

I remember when I was opposed to doing something like this. I said that real men didn’t need help to get themselves out of bed in the morning. But ever since I got involved in this strike, I’ve been slurping her down like crazy. Yesterday she even introduced me to some Argentinean stuff called yerba mate. Man, that $#!% gets you so wired. I’ve never felt so alive in my life. It was like I was flying. My house was so tiny from way up in the sky and everybody looked like ants  ….like talking flesh-covered ants.

But my comrades just don’t understand her the way I do. They’ve even accused me of cheating on the cause because of her. They say that I should just end things before it’s too late. But that’s nonsense. We’re in love. We’re supposed to be together forever. Nobody can keep us apart, not Old Man Sleep, not my friends, not my family, not Santa Claus, not even almighty Zeus himself!  Do you hear that f^&%*($, she’s mine, ALL MINE!!!…..

….do you wanna do some jumping jacks with me??….

– Carlos de la Gringa

Sleep Strike!

That’s right, you read correctly. I’m going on strike! I’m tired of falling asleep whenever someone talks to me. I’m tired of forcing my eyes to stay open and focused on this computer screen. I’m tired of waking up in the morning feeling like shit, even after a full night’s rest.

I’ve decided to go on strike. I have way too many things going on in my life to waste time sleeping. It’s bad enough we only get 24 hours in a day, but on top of that we’re expected to sleep eight of them. Give me a break! It would be one thing if it were only four hours but eight (hell, sometimes it’s even ten)!? You would think that sleep ruled our lives.  Well, I’m fed up!  No more sleeping until this outrageous calamity is resolved.

What’s more, I plan to take full advantage of my newfound free time: catching up on my reading list, watching the news, getting addicted to WoW, making new friends, finding a new girlfriend (or a second one!), learning how to cook, teaching myself Finnish, becoming the backup field goal kicker for the Texans, doing some writing that isn’t complete bullshit, watching the entire series of Lost, downloading p…  I’ll have time for so many new and exciting things. This is going to be wonderful.

Now you may ask: Carlos, how are you planning to stay awake for more than two days straight without turning into a zombie? Oh ye of little faith, doubting Thomases the lot of ye! Never underestimate the power of determination and will-power. While the path I’m taking may be long and hard, I shall triumph because my cause is just!

And if that doesn’t work, there is always coffee.

– Carlos de la Gringa

-Ed. What would you do with eight extras hours in your day?  Let us know in the comment section below.