The Diet Column – Cigarette

And now for our beloved Diet Column, this week TES is going to propose a real diet! I’m sure you’ve already appreciated the miracles of the Cheeseburger Diet and that your night-outs started to be your main source of hilarious anecdotes thanks to the Gin & Tonic Diet. But this week we are going to present the ultimate diet, a diet where you won’t go looking for something to eat ever again. Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present to  you: the Cigarette Diet!

What’s so wonderful about this diet? First of all, you can abuse it: smoke as much as you want; your body will to tell you when to stop. Every cigarette is a little piece of satisfaction. It’s the perfect reward for a hard day of work, or a good companion after a quarrel with your spouse.

Plus: smoking helps you save money, because the more you smoke, the less you want to eat. And don’t forget, smoking is the best way to cover up that terrible halitosis that you have had ever since you started the Gin & Tonic Diet.

Plus: smoking exposes you to an almost infinite number of awful diseases that help you to get thinner. There is nothing that gets you slimmer than lung cancer and digestive disorders. And you won’t worry about getting a tan ever again. Your skin will always be yellow thanks to the nicotine. Do you want pale skin? Then smoke even more! The more you inhale, the more blue your blood gets – like Prince William!

We appreciate your concerns. You don’t want to die. But think about it this way, would the government really allow the legal trade of a lethal poison?

So trust us, your favorite magazine! And nowadays, it’s easier to smoke than ever. You can find cigarettes in every gas station at the lowest prices. And with the taxes on your cigarettes, you will be supporting our boys on the front that are fighting for our freedom.

So, do the right thing: start smoking!

- Simone la Cuercha

The Diet Column – Cheeseburger

Are you skinny? Are you so slim that you look transparent? Do you wonder if that dude even knows that you exist? Yes, the guy with large shoulders that  takes the train every day at the same time as you. Remember that crazy chick that always takes a cigarette break in front of your Starbucks? Does she look at every guy that walks by except you? Do you think that’s because you don’t have enough mass? So what are you waiting for? We live in a country blessed by God, where the poorest of men can have bread, cheese and meat for a few bucks. We live in the USA. What are you waiting for? Let’s get started!

You just have to eat three cheeseburgers a day without fail. Every single day, I’m not joking, even weekends. Eat three cheeseburgers even if you’re not hungry. And don’t even think about going to the bathroom to puke. Our special team of bulimic guards are waiting behind the door ready to kick the shit “into” you. It’s impossible to get results without determination: we are going to get fatter or die trying. Give it a few weeks. When your liver starts to collapse and your pants start to feel tighter and tighter, take a look in the mirror and admire those wonderful love-handles that will be there at the side of your hips. Guys love having something to hold onto. It’s even the best way to enlarge your breasts naturally! Cheeseburgers! Get all the varieties of fat your body needs, with juicy morsels of awesome – and cholesterol. Or even go for a Muslim/Jewish nightmare: pile on some bacon, the perfect sin!

Cheeseburger diet! The best sandwich ever invented, three times a day.

In just two months you’ll start seeing results. And when you’re there shitting your soul out on the toilet, praying that you had never been born, remember that there is no beauty without suffering. This is &*%%$ -ing worth it because as my uncle always used to say,

“Nobody wants to fuck a bag of bones”.

- Simone la Cuercha