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Nix and the Glowing Vampire

I am pleased to welcome a new columnist to the TES family. He is an expert in his field, occult scare tactics, and even worked for a legendary company (whose name I’m not at liberty to reveal). In addition he has been a good friend of mine for several centuries now and promises to be much more reliable than the other pieces of $#*%, who supposedly worked at this site. So it is with great satisfaction that I present to you: Nix.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

My girlfriend, Euryale, tried to drag me to go see the latest “Twilight” movie the other day using her special girlfriend voodoo:

As I was lying on the couch watching television, she came over and asked, “What do you want to do today?” (I want to lie on the couch and watch tv!) I replied that I didn’t know.

“You know what would be fun? Going out to see a movie together.” Groan. Half-an-hour and several threats to poison my food later, we arrived at the theater.

“What movie do you want to see?” I listed several different action movies, a horror movie, and even a romantic comedy which I might be willing to see as a last resort.

“I really wanted to see ‘Breaking Dawn.’” I rolled my eyes. But she was serious.

“I just wanted to stay at home but I did you the favor of coming out. Now you are telling me that the only movie you want to see is this one!?!?” Euryale started crying.

“We never do anything together. I wanted to spend more time with you.” I begrudgingly conceded.

Five minutes into the movie, I pretended I wasn’t feeling well and headed towards the exit. Then I went across the hall to see the latest Muppets’ movie (Desperate times call for desperate measures!).

When the movie let out, my girlfriend along with about half of the rest of the audience was in tears… over a vampire!

The world is really turning upside down. I never thought I would see the day that some warped individual would reinvent those parasitic worms as hopeless romantics.

You can defend your darling Edward all you want but if you had ever had the displeasure of working with a real life vampire you would be saying something else.  Don’t let their stylish façade fool you. They are nothing more than stuck-up zombies who wear fancy capes and ramble on in a weird accent about vaanting to suck your… Never mind.

While they may seem intelligent, sophisticated and refined, they would cut off an arm without a thought for another hit of blood. I once convinced a vampire named Bogdan to wear a collar around his neck, crouch down on all fours and bark like a dog before offering him some blood out of a plastic bowl, which he eagerly lapped up.

Vampires aren’t suave sexy gentleman; they’re the junkies of the supernatural world.

- Nix

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