A Once in a Lifetime Apology

Dear TES-Faithful,

Back in June I would never have imagined that this day could come… And yet, here I am, the Master of the Extraordinary, extending a most sincere apology to all of our loyal readers who have put up with our unnecessarily long hiatus from the hallowed pages of the legendary institution that is Tales of Extraordinary Sanity.

But then again, I also would never have guessed that Simone would suddenly go back to Italy without the slightest warning to complete his “studies” or that Carlos would run off to Brazil to find “true love”. It just proves the weak, despicable and down right disgusting nature of the people I’ve had to work with here at TES in order to bring you your beloved articles. This is the last time I ever agree to work with humans.

Anyways, we’re back. Although we will no longer be publishing articles every day, according to the Internal Revenue Service we are still considered a daily. So get excited because we have some new columns lined up for you as well as the typical TES content you’ve come to love and expect.

 

Extraordinarily Yours,

 

- The Master of the Extraordinary

 

PS. Rest assured that those responsible for our extended absence will be adequately punished.

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – An Annoyed Girlfriend

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

How’s it going, honey? Staying out of trouble, I hope. I’m in need of your advice. You see I’m dating this wonderful guy, a real sweetheart. I think I might be falling in love with him. The only problem is he is super disorganized and can’t seem to show up on time for things to save his life. We say we are going to meet up for dinner at 6:00 and he doesn’t show until 7:15. By the time he arrives, I’ve already finished my dessert and an entire bottle of wine that I ordered for the two of us.

It’s terrible. We can’t go to movies or concerts. Black-tie dinners are out of the question. I held a surprise birthday party for him last year, and he was even late to that! It’s getting embarrassing. I care a lot about the guy but this is ridiculous. Is he going to show up halfway through our wedding ceremony too?

Thanks for the help.

Sincerely,

An Annoyed Girlfriend

 

Dear Annoyed Girlfriend,

Honey!? Really? Do you have any idea how old I am? Old enough to be owed a little more respect than that. Seriously, kids these days…

So let’s see. Your boyfriend is a jumbled mess who has lost all semblance of punctuality if indeed he ever possessed it, and you certainly don’t have time for his nonsense. You’re a busy person with appointments to keep and deadlines to meet. It sounds to me like you don’t have time for your boyfriend at all. Dump the loser. But I love him! Don’t make me gag… If he really cared about you, he would find a way to show up on time for your sake.

However, if you truly cannot bear to live without him, there are always other lines of attack. For instance, you could set all the clocks in his house back an hour or two. Just don’t ever let him find out what time it really is. Another option is to angrily cry the next time your lying in bed together, “The only time you’re early to anything is when we’re having sex!” That should fix the problem in a jiffy.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

If you too want advice about what to do with your loser boyfriend, write to talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary (cont.) – Maria, Maria

This is the response to a reader’s question that I published yesterday:

Dear Maria,

You’re a carioca, huh?  That’s cool… I guess.  Or something.  Are you going to remind me how marvelous your city is?

What is it with all these Brazilians writing me?  It’s ridiculous.  Where do you people come from and who taught you how to speak “English”?  First they took over Orkut, then they took the Olympics, next thing you know, they’ll be taking things as fundamentally American as the hot dog, steak and beer!  I would be outraged if I were an American!  But I’m not. Frankly, if you brought your bathing suits, your music and your joie de vivre to the US, I wouldn’t complain. Just keep it down while I’m programming!

Anyways, Maria, Maria, Maria…

They’re right, you know.  Your English actually is terrible, horrendous even. I don’t know what you want me to do about it.  You people seem to have this notion that just because I’m the Master of the Extraordinary, I am simply going to be able to solve your insignificant little problems.  Look, I’m not a relationship counselor, or a speech therapist or a witch doctor (not that you’d know if I were…).  The point is I can’t make you learn a language magically.

However, if I were you, I would try to improve my English as quickly as possible: watch tv, read books, “make new friends” (Your boyfriend will understand it’s for the greater good). If you still can’t improve your English, just move back to Brazil. I find it hard to believe that any guy would be able to turn down beach, sun and Brazilian-style fun.

Cordially Yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

PS Qualquer coisa, esqueça do seu namorado e eu vou para Rio com você.

If you too have another idiotic question for the Master of the Extraordinary, I can be reached at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.  

- The Master of the Extraordinary

“Help, I dont spik inglish”

This crazy chick sent me a email so long that I’m going to have to wait to respond until tomorrow:

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

I am called Maria. I have 20 years old and I come from Rio de Janeiro. I am in love with my boyfriend Matt and it’s one year that I habit at New York living with him. I love USA, but everybody makes fun of me and kid about my English. I don’t know what to do. And USA is really a racist place. When I spik with my accent my friends all make jokes about how I pronounce things and words. The life is really hard and I am worried of leaving my love because I don’t like live in USA anymore. Master of Extraordinary, I need your help, your my only hope. How can I make my English better? I want to be free from mistakes and to stay with my boyfriend. I can understand that at the beginning he was in love with my strange way to speak, but now he starts to be worried and annoyed of my way to speak and write. I embarrass him. Yesterday I was at a Mc Donalds and it took me 5 minutes to order a Cheeseburger because the girl couldn’t understand what I was saying. I went back to the table Matt asked me “why you do cry?” I tryied already everything. Watching movies, reading a lot of books. But nothing, nothing seems to work. In a week we are going to visit Matt’s parents for the first time and her mother doesn’t like me at all. I want to be even with that bitch. She doesn’t like me because she think that I am with Matt only for the green card. Who wants to live in this country with all this mean people. I want to go back in Brazil where my family is, and they love all of us, my and Matt. But Matt doesn’t speak Portuguese. Master of Extraordinary what can I do? You thing there is a solution for me?

A desperate English speaker, Maria.

To be continued…

- The Master of the Extraordinary

The Origins of the Master of the Extraordinary

Carlos bet me I couldn’t write a whole article without making fun of someone. How wrong he is! I’m the one who single handedly built this site out of nothing. I’m the one who makes sure the trains run on time.  I’m the one who keeps all of our staff in line…

People ask me a [diverse array] of [intelligent] questions: “Who are you?” “Where do you come from?” “What’s the deal with your name?” “Why are you always so mean to people?” “Have you really gotten laid before?”  “Did you really save the planet from the Pterodactyl invasion?” “Are you human? Robot? Cyborg? Fu Manchu?”

Rather than answer any of these questions, I have decided to respond to what I’m sure all of you [fine individuals] meant to ask: “How did you get involved with Tales of Extraordinary Sanity in the first place?” As I’m sure you remember from this article, TES was the product of Simone and Carlos’ overindulgences at a local watering hole. Absent, however, is any mention of yours truly. And with good reason! For I would [be remiss] to ever enter such [an establishment].

So no, I was not one of the original founders of TES. These [geniuses] only let me join out of desperation. They thought they could run this site on their own. Throw some [entertaining] stories here, add a dash of [funny] photographs there and voilà: a blog! What could be easier?

Turns out they didn’t know CSS from CSI or WordPress from Tumblr from Facebook’s Notes. The [poor souls] needed a [little bit of help]. I had recently parted ways from a certain well known web search engine company and was working on a new logarithm that is going to revolutionize the way people search. Anyways, I happened to randomly come across their [site] one day and immediately felt bad for them. I offered to help [pro bono] on the condition that they would let me run things so that they could [focus on their writing]. And I’ve been their [beloved leader] ever since.

I did it! Pay up b*%&h!

And don’t forget, if you would like to have your request for advice ridiculed, email me at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – A Scared Boyfriend

I have gotten stupid emails from you idiots before but this is easily the dumbest one that I have ever received: 

Dear Master of the Extraordinary, 

Your site is great, bro. I think ya’ll are real funny. Congratulations and keep up the good work! So listen, like, I’m in a bit of a pickle here. You see, I have this fantastic girlfriend; she’s real hot. I mean like smokin’. Trouble is there is something she doesn’t know about me. You see, I may have kind of done some porn or something when I was younger.  Nothing too big, you know. Just a little bit of guy-on-guy action.  Anyways, it was a tough time in my life and I’m not proud of it but it happened. However, it’s over now and I’m a bigger man for it.

So I wanted to ask, should I tell her about my past?  We’ve been a lot more open with each other lately. But I just don’t know how she would take it. If I don’t tell her, I’m also afraid she might accidentally run into some of my videos online. Am I being paranoid? I just don’t want to lose her.

Sincerely,

A Scared Boyfriend

 

Dear Scared Boyfriend,

Congratulations! You have just received the Master of the Extraordinary’s first ever I’m a Huge Dumbass Award. Please give us a forwarding address where we can send you the prize. Otherwise you can come down to our office on 123 I’m a Moron Street to pick it up.

How does it feel? Are you going to take your family to Disney World?  Oh, right…. I forgot.

Have you ever considered getting plastic surgery and changing your name? I mean if the internet already knows, it’s only a matter of time before everybody else finds out. Or you could always just settle for a career as a porn star; there’s no such thing as bad publicity (or so they say…). But if you really want to stay with your girlfriend there is only one solution. Offer to have a threesome with her and another guy before you tell her. She’ll be in such a good mood that you’ll be able to tell her anything.

Cordially,

The Master of the Extraordinary

And remember if you too want to tell me about your stupid problems, I can be reached at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Ask the Master of the Extraordinary – A Shy Boy

So surprise, surprise, another one of you morons wrote to me.  Can’t you just leave me in peace? You’re taking up precious time that I could be spending with my Linux.

Dear Master of the Extraordinary,

I have to admit I’ve never actually visited your site before.  I guess you guys are like comedians or something, right?  It doesn’t really matter; I’ll take advice from anyone at this point, even if you are a creepy robot from outer space. The problem is there is this amazing girl in my psychology class named Carla – and I think I’m in love with her. She is beautiful, intelligent and hilarious. Unfortunately, I’m a little bit shy so I haven’t talked to her yet.  Last week I tried to hide a poem I wrote inside her backpack, but I don’t think she found it. I’m starting to get worried. Please tell me Mr. Extraordinary, what should I do to win her love?

Thanks for the help!

A Shy Boy

Dear Shy Boy,

You’re not even a fan of our site!?! Why the fuck should I waste my time with you then? (They’re always idiots….)

Basically you have two options:

1) Ask her out on a date.  She’ll probably say no because you’re kind of creepy but at least you can move onto staring at some other chick.

2) Confess to her your undying love and tell her that you two were destined to be together. This option is my personal favorite because after she puts a restraining order on you, it’ll be easier to convince other girls that you’re a badass.

Cordially yours,

The Master of the Extraordinary

And remember if you too would like to be verbally abused by a “creepy robot from outer space” (at least I get laid, fuckers), send an email to talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.

- The Master of the Extraordinary