Have you ever noticed that if you take away the ‘t’ from ‘diet’, you are left with the word ‘die’?
I know that I am late with the diet column, but I wanted to be sure that it really works this time. That’s why I bought myself a Conscience last week. Conscience is a little monkey that has been testing cigarettes in a laboratory since he was 5 years old. They gave him to me for half-off! Fortunately, except for the whole smoking thing, Conscience is completely healthy. With his help, we have been able to finalize the testing of our latest diet, and now the results are ready to be published. Thank you Conscience!
Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present: The Junk Food Diet! Yes! They always told you that it’s bad to eat candy, that soda is terrible for your digestion, that those delicious chocolate bars are the absolute worst for your appendix, and that all those chips are going to make you fat. They even made you afraid of the word ‘fat’!
Let me tell you a secret: It’s all a load of hooey. I am not saying that junk food is healthy. I am not even saying that fat is good, all I am saying is that there is a reason why the government still allows junk food to be sold in spite of findings proving its harmful consequences. The truth is that they could care less about your health. It’s impossible to stop cholesterol. Nowadays cholesterol is everywhere. Why do you think there are labels on water bottles telling us that they contain 0 g of cholesterol? Because they have to lie to us. We are condemned to be overweight.
The good news is that there is one positive effect of eating junk food: When consumed in high quantities, it is a powerful unstoppable laxative. You heard me right, it’s impossible for the body to absorb! So here is the plan: Go out and buy as much junk food as you possibly can, but remember: Only junk food! Natural or organic produce could inhibit the healthy effects. You should start to see results within a few days.
- Simone la Cuercha
So you’ve been faithful to all of the diets. You’ve followed every instruction to the tee. Thanks to the Gin and Tonic Diet, your social life took off to delirious heights. You were surrounded by wonderful friends in a place where everybody knew your name. You weren’t just a Joe Schmoe or a Plane Jane. You were Joe the Lion, the King of the Night. You were Jane the most popular girl at that Irish pub. But then the problems started. John got sick of washing the puke and piss out of his pants. Jane grew tired of waking up in random guys’ beds.
After a while, loneliness and a crummy sex-life convinced you that it was time to put on some weight. This is where the Cheeseburger Diet came to the rescue. That is until you found out that nobody likes weight in places where it’s not needed. This is apparently called being fat.
Then you thought that the Cigarette Diet was just what you where looking for. Unfortunately, your trip to the hospital this morning convinced you otherwise. Doctors diagnosed you with a lung cancer that is going to make you look like a skeleton. Now you’re worried about dying and are feeling a little blue. Well, fear no more, for your favorite diet column is here to help once again.
You have indeed come to the right place, my friend, because at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity we always have the perfect solution just for you. Feeling down and out? Then try the Chocolate Diet! Cheap, easy to find and full of all the energy that you need to face the rest of your short and painful life with a smile on your face. Who cares that your wife left you as soon as she heard about your cancer? Who cares that the stupid oaf, who used to live with you, split as soon as your body started to go? Repeat after me: We don’t need them. We have chocolate, the perfect anti-depressant, a true friend!
But this offer is available for a limited time only! Rumor says that the government is calling chocolate an illicit drug and that soon they will enforce a ban on it. This of course explains why everyone is so rich in Switzerland. Thanks to the chocolate cartels, of course! So don’t wait, the Chocolate Diet is awaiting its latest victims… errr… happy satisfied customers!
- Simone la Cuercha
And now for our beloved Diet Column, this week TES is going to propose a real diet! I’m sure you’ve already appreciated the miracles of the Cheeseburger Diet and that your night-outs started to be your main source of hilarious anecdotes thanks to the Gin & Tonic Diet. But this week we are going to present the ultimate diet, a diet where you won’t go looking for something to eat ever again. Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present to you: the Cigarette Diet!
What’s so wonderful about this diet? First of all, you can abuse it: smoke as much as you want; your body will to tell you when to stop. Every cigarette is a little piece of satisfaction. It’s the perfect reward for a hard day of work, or a good companion after a quarrel with your spouse.
Plus: smoking helps you save money, because the more you smoke, the less you want to eat. And don’t forget, smoking is the best way to cover up that terrible halitosis that you have had ever since you started the Gin & Tonic Diet.
Plus: smoking exposes you to an almost infinite number of awful diseases that help you to get thinner. There is nothing that gets you slimmer than lung cancer and digestive disorders. And you won’t worry about getting a tan ever again. Your skin will always be yellow thanks to the nicotine. Do you want pale skin? Then smoke even more! The more you inhale, the more blue your blood gets – like Prince William!
We appreciate your concerns. You don’t want to die. But think about it this way, would the government really allow the legal trade of a lethal poison?
So trust us, your favorite magazine! And nowadays, it’s easier to smoke than ever. You can find cigarettes in every gas station at the lowest prices. And with the taxes on your cigarettes, you will be supporting our boys on the front that are fighting for our freedom.
So, do the right thing: start smoking!
- Simone la Cuercha
Are you skinny? Are you so slim that you look transparent? Do you wonder if that dude even knows that you exist? Yes, the guy with large shoulders that takes the train every day at the same time as you. Remember that crazy chick that always takes a cigarette break in front of your Starbucks? Does she look at every guy that walks by except you? Do you think that’s because you don’t have enough mass? So what are you waiting for? We live in a country blessed by God, where the poorest of men can have bread, cheese and meat for a few bucks. We live in the USA. What are you waiting for? Let’s get started!
You just have to eat three cheeseburgers a day without fail. Every single day, I’m not joking, even weekends. Eat three cheeseburgers even if you’re not hungry. And don’t even think about going to the bathroom to puke. Our special team of bulimic guards are waiting behind the door ready to kick the shit “into” you. It’s impossible to get results without determination: we are going to get fatter or die trying. Give it a few weeks. When your liver starts to collapse and your pants start to feel tighter and tighter, take a look in the mirror and admire those wonderful love-handles that will be there at the side of your hips. Guys love having something to hold onto. It’s even the best way to enlarge your breasts naturally! Cheeseburgers! Get all the varieties of fat your body needs, with juicy morsels of awesome – and cholesterol. Or even go for a Muslim/Jewish nightmare: pile on some bacon, the perfect sin!
Cheeseburger diet! The best sandwich ever invented, three times a day.
In just two months you’ll start seeing results. And when you’re there shitting your soul out on the toilet, praying that you had never been born, remember that there is no beauty without suffering. This is &*%%$ -ing worth it because as my uncle always used to say,
“Nobody wants to fuck a bag of bones”.
- Simone la Cuercha
Are you satisfied with your academic life? Are you tired of your friends: those wonderful people that used to make your plain and boring life exciting? Do you want to meet somebody new? A random stranger in a dirty and disgusting place for example? People that only are with you as long as you have money to buy them free drinks?
Are you tired of always gaining the respect and appreciation of everybody around you? Are you tired of sleeping in the same bed every night? Are you tired of reading questions that start with “Are you?”
“You” willing to eksperieance what tazz it means to write incompreanseble centenches? Is your spelling perfect? Are you the smartest kid in your class? Does your teacher’s smile make you feel uncomfortable? What? Do all your classmates look at you like a “know it all”?
Do you love your job? Are you living in an upward spiral of hard-work and self-satisfaction? Is your life, simply, #@&%!$£$% amazing?
Are you sick of it?!?
THEN ( or was it THAN?) the Gin & Tonic diet is what you were looking for!!! Only 7 days, and you’ll see guaranteed results. We are not talking about a miracle. Just drink only 27 oz a days and you will notice results after the first hour. And please, feel free to stop by and speak at any time with our representatives begging for you 24/7 down the streets. Gin and Tonic diet. You can’t miss it!
“I am sorry, ma’am, what time is it?” “It’s always Gin O’Clock son!”
- Simone La Cuercha