I finally woke up this morning…

I finally woke up this morning. Although it may seem strange to make this point, it’s not when you consider where I have been for the last few months.

I remember dancing in this crazy night club in Milan with two gorgeous girls. I don’t have to mention that I was drunk as $&^#, so of course I gravitated to them like a moth flying towards two sexy, voluptuous light bulbs. Let’s call the blonde girl, Claire. She had another name of course, but I would never admit that I don’t remember a girl’s name. So the blonde one with the big sexy-lips is Claire. And the kinky one dressed in black is Dorothy.

Anyways, I don’t know when we decided to take things back to Claire’s house. If I am not mistaken, she had even more alcohol and fun waiting for me there. At least I think it was fun, considering I spent twenty minutes talking to a coat rack.

I woke up this morning lying naked on a surgeon table with a huge scar along my back, and a nagging feeling that something of mine was missing. As I stared at an I.V. hooked up to my arm, I suddenly realized two things: the big hairy hand that had grabbed my shoulder just before I blacked out, did not belong to Dorothy, and the $%&££%”%$&  that put me in a chemically-induced coma, put me out for too long.

And I know what you all are thinking: “Oh my god, Simone! You spent the last few months as the sex slave of two hot chicks!” “No, stupid, have you been listening to anything he just said? He was drunk. He spent the last few months as a sex slave of two fat middle-aged Mongolian men in neon pink and yellow wigs.. and they harvested his organs!”

I am in a tent, it’s hot outside, and I have no idea where my pants are. I need to find a phone to call the Master of the Extraordinary. He will be worried.

- Simone La Cuercha

There are times in life when…

It’s a gloomy day outside. One of those days where you just sit and reflect on those special times in life.

There are times in life when you wake up at six in the morning, because your phone thinks that it’s already eight in the morning. Then you realize that it’s not your cell phone’s fault at all but your own for setting it to the wrong time. And this is the second time that you have woken up too early. Because the day before, someone called you at four in the morning to sell you a fridge at the “incredibly low price” of  fifty dollars including taxes.

There are times in life when you want everything to be perfect, but everything goes completely wrong. Like when you were helping your friend Paul to organize a surprise party for his girlfriend and suddenly she comes inside the apartment with another dude. “Don’t worry honey, nobody is going to bother us. That shit-bag  boyfriend of mine went out of town, he won’t be back until tomorrow. Can you believe that he forgot about my birthday?”

There are times in life when you want everything not to be true, and thank god that it wasn’t! The dude with Paul’s girlfriend in reality was her friend Silvia, a six-foot-two woman with large shoulders and a pale white mustache who was keeping Paul’s girlfriend company since she was alone on her birthday.

There are times in life when Paul wakes up in the morning with a girl, who looks an awful lot like Silvia, lying next to him because he drank too much at the surprise party. But there are also times in life when you wake up and everything seems perfect. You get up and go to the fridge to grab some milk for your coffee. And the milk is there, waiting for you. You don’t have to go out in the rain to buy some. Everything is perfect!

And there are also times in life when you need to run to the bathroom because the coffee you heated up in the microwave this morning was the same coffee that you made two weeks ago, and you have a pretty good idea of what will happen if you don’t make it to the toilet in time.

I am sorry. I have to run!

- Simone la Cuercha

Time Zones Tutorial

I don’t know if this has ever happened to you. Did you ever live in a foreign country, and – god knows why – decide to travel east to west instead of north to south? Huh? No, I am not kidding! Heading southbound is great: warmer weather, friendlier people, etc.

But as I was saying, if you move east to west, a really strange thing happens: The time when the sun rises and sets, changes. This really happens. Because, and don’t get upset if you already know the answer, the Earth rotates! Yes, incredible! This means that if it’s morning in the US, it’s already afternoon in Europe, and that in Japan… it’s already tomorrow! This is how Santa Claus is able to give presents to children all over the world (with a twenty-four hour-long night!). Thus, time zones were born!

Thanks to time zones, people all across the globe will see 8:00 am when they check their watches in the morning and 6:00 pm (18:00) when they check them in the evening. Isn’t it great?

What did you say? You already know all of this? Then why the hell does everybody in Europe insist on calling me at four in the @#$%*&^% morning?? And when I say everybody, I mean not only telemarketers but even parents, friends, and old employers. Everybody! My priest back home even called me once wondering why he hadn’t seen me at church in 20 years.

I know what you are thinking: this will never happen to me. Well, trust me. It will happen even sooner than you could possibly imagine. So do the right thing. Teach your parents and friends about a fantastic new invention called Google. Just type a phrase in any language, and this “magic box” will teach you all about it. If they type “Time zones” for example, they will even be able to find simple charts that will clarify any “confusion” they might have. But just in case the charts aren’t straightforward enough, learn them yourself to be able to explain them to your loved ones.

Last but not least: Always turn your phone off before you go to sleep! Good night.

- Simone la Cuercha

The Diet Column – The Junk Food Die(t)

Have you ever noticed that if you take away the ‘t’ from ‘diet’, you are left with the word ‘die’?

I know that I am late with the diet column, but I wanted to be sure that it really works this time. That’s why I bought myself a Conscience last week. Conscience is a little monkey that has been testing cigarettes in a laboratory since he was 5 years old. They gave him to me for half-off! Fortunately, except for the whole smoking thing, Conscience is completely healthy. With his help, we have been able to finalize the testing of our latest diet, and now the results are ready to be published. Thank you Conscience!

Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present: The Junk Food Diet! Yes! They always told you that it’s bad to eat candy, that soda is terrible for your digestion, that those delicious chocolate bars are the absolute worst for your appendix, and that all those chips are going to make you fat. They even made you afraid of the word ‘fat’!

Let me tell you a secret: It’s all a load of hooey. I am not saying that junk food is healthy. I am not even saying that fat is good, all I am saying is that there is a reason why the government still allows junk food to be sold in spite of findings proving its harmful consequences. The truth is that they could care less about your health. It’s impossible to stop cholesterol. Nowadays cholesterol is everywhere. Why do you think there are labels on water bottles telling us that they contain 0 g of cholesterol? Because they have to lie to us. We are condemned to be overweight.

The good news is that there is one positive effect of eating junk food: When consumed in high quantities, it is a powerful unstoppable laxative. You heard me right, it’s impossible for the body to absorb! So here is the plan: Go out and buy as much junk food as you possibly can, but remember: Only junk food! Natural or organic produce could inhibit the healthy effects. You should start to see results within a few days.

- Simone la Cuercha

Weekend Survival Guide for newly heartbroken men

Are you here alone reading TES on a Friday evening? Did all of your friends go to a party that you weren’t invited to? Is this the anniversary of the day when your ex dumped you? Does the weather outside suck so much that you don’t want to leave home? If you are reading TES on a Friday evening, then you really need help. So, just for you, dear weekend readers, we present you with our guide to surviving the weekend in 6 easy steps:

1^st: Don’t kill yourself. Suicide may be the solution recommend by the AUA, American Undertakers Association, but you can’t let them win this battle.

2^nd: Don’t listen to music. 99% of all songs are about unrequited love and other dreary situations. You never noticed before because life had been so wonderful and carefree, but now all you hear are stories that are eerily similar to your own.

3^rd: Get drunk. Alcohol is the perfect cure for depression. Doctors claim that this leads to addiction, but let’s be honest here: Of course something that makes you feel better is “addictive”!

4^th: Start smoking. I suggest two packs a day. Why? Because there are forty cigarettes in two packs and if you smoke forty cigarettes per day, excluding the hours you are asleep, you can smoke a cigarette every twenty-two minutes. This will increase that chances that you have a cigarette in your mouth when a hot chick passes by. Also keep in mind that the smoke is going to cover up the smell of failure that usually keeps girls far away from you.

5^th:  The most important of all: Don’t stay at home! Go out, even if you are by yourself. If you have been following all of these instructions up until now, 3 and 4 will start to take effect even before you get into the club. Drink more, wait for girls, never make the first move and remember: Don’t be yourself, be somebody that actually is cool!

6^th: And now go out and show us what you are made of. But please, no naked drunken dancing in public!

- Simone la Cuercha (acid like never before)

Real Screenwriters Work for TV

Today’s article is a question. And my question is (I say “my”, but it should be everybody’s question – everybody that has “a” IQ above zero. Mine is 30!): How has Hollywood and the film industry in general been able to consistently ruin everything that they possibly can for the last ten years?

How is it possible that for the last ten years when I look up what’s “Coming soon,” there are only stupid romantic comedies and film adaptations of comic book superhero stories? And I am not referring to The Matrix being destroyed by those disgusting sequels: Revolution and Reloaded. I am also not talking about the sequel to Spiderman (It makes me puke just to think about that sequel). But why talk about Spiderman and The Matrix? Because lately it seems that movies in general and American movies in particular can’t do anything other than rip off classic novels, destroying the beauty of works beloved by generations of readers.

What am I talking about? This:

Now I have to see again, for the ten thousandth time, one of my favorite books – because I love that damn Frenchy Dumas – ruined by idiots only looking to fill movie theaters. I give them only two years until they put a machinegun wielding Ahab on a boat with a bad Jack Sparrow-imitation as Ishmael, so that we can watch them kill Moby Dick on the big screen. Am I exaggerating? Do you remember Troy? Did you read The Iliad? I swear I never fell asleep reading The Iliad (and that poem is f***ing boring) but I fell asleep watching the movie. I only woke up because I needed to go to the bathroom, and there was Achilles inside the walls of Troy. I only had enough energy to say, “Crap!”

And if you are wondering how this is all possible. Well, we should look no further than ourselves. An industry in crisis wouldn’t make a movie like this if nobody paid to see it.

Wait a sec… what?!? The trailer mentioned it only at the very end. It’s in 3D!!! I love 3D and watching all the cross-eyed people trying to leave the theater! Guys, we have to go!!!

- Simone la Cuercha

The Diet Column – Chocolate

So you’ve been faithful to all of the diets. You’ve followed every instruction to the tee. Thanks to the Gin and Tonic Diet, your social life took off to delirious heights. You were surrounded by wonderful friends in a place where everybody knew your name. You weren’t just a Joe Schmoe or a Plane Jane. You were Joe the Lion, the King of the Night. You were Jane the most popular girl at that Irish pub. But then the problems started. John got sick of washing the puke and piss out of his pants. Jane grew tired of waking up in random guys’ beds.

After a while, loneliness and a crummy sex-life convinced you that it was time to put on some weight. This is where the Cheeseburger Diet came to the rescue. That is until you found out that nobody likes weight in places where it’s not needed. This is apparently called being fat.

Then you thought that the Cigarette Diet was just what you where looking for. Unfortunately, your trip to the hospital this morning convinced you otherwise. Doctors diagnosed you with a lung cancer that is going to make you look like a skeleton. Now you’re worried about dying and are feeling a little blue. Well, fear no more, for your favorite diet column is here to help once again.

You have indeed come to the right place, my friend, because at Tales of Extraordinary Sanity we always have the perfect solution just for you. Feeling down and out? Then try the Chocolate Diet! Cheap, easy to find and full of all the energy that you need to face the rest of your short and painful life with a smile on your face. Who cares that your wife left you as soon as she heard about your cancer? Who cares that the stupid oaf, who used to live with you, split as soon as your body started to go? Repeat after me: We don’t need them. We have chocolate, the perfect anti-depressant, a true friend!

But this offer is available for a limited time only! Rumor says that the government is calling chocolate an illicit drug and that soon they will enforce a ban on it. This of course explains why everyone is so rich in Switzerland. Thanks to the chocolate cartels, of course! So don’t wait,  the Chocolate Diet is awaiting its latest victims… errr… happy satisfied customers!

- Simone la Cuercha