I finally woke up this morning…

I finally woke up this morning. Although it may seem strange to make this point, it’s not when you consider where I have been for the last few months.

I remember dancing in this crazy night club in Milan with two gorgeous girls. I don’t have to mention that I was drunk as $&^#, so of course I gravitated to them like a moth flying towards two sexy, voluptuous light bulbs. Let’s call the blonde girl, Claire. She had another name of course, but I would never admit that I don’t remember a girl’s name. So the blonde one with the big sexy-lips is Claire. And the kinky one dressed in black is Dorothy.

Anyways, I don’t know when we decided to take things back to Claire’s house. If I am not mistaken, she had even more alcohol and fun waiting for me there. At least I think it was fun, considering I spent twenty minutes talking to a coat rack.

I woke up this morning lying naked on a surgeon table with a huge scar along my back, and a nagging feeling that something of mine was missing. As I stared at an I.V. hooked up to my arm, I suddenly realized two things: the big hairy hand that had grabbed my shoulder just before I blacked out, did not belong to Dorothy, and the $%&££%”%$&  that put me in a chemically-induced coma, put me out for too long.

And I know what you all are thinking: “Oh my god, Simone! You spent the last few months as the sex slave of two hot chicks!” “No, stupid, have you been listening to anything he just said? He was drunk. He spent the last few months as a sex slave of two fat middle-aged Mongolian men in neon pink and yellow wigs.. and they harvested his organs!”

I am in a tent, it’s hot outside, and I have no idea where my pants are. I need to find a phone to call the Master of the Extraordinary. He will be worried.

- Simone La Cuercha

There are times in life when…

It’s a gloomy day outside. One of those days where you just sit and reflect on those special times in life.

There are times in life when you wake up at six in the morning, because your phone thinks that it’s already eight in the morning. Then you realize that it’s not your cell phone’s fault at all but your own for setting it to the wrong time. And this is the second time that you have woken up too early. Because the day before, someone called you at four in the morning to sell you a fridge at the “incredibly low price” of  fifty dollars including taxes.

There are times in life when you want everything to be perfect, but everything goes completely wrong. Like when you were helping your friend Paul to organize a surprise party for his girlfriend and suddenly she comes inside the apartment with another dude. “Don’t worry honey, nobody is going to bother us. That shit-bag  boyfriend of mine went out of town, he won’t be back until tomorrow. Can you believe that he forgot about my birthday?”

There are times in life when you want everything not to be true, and thank god that it wasn’t! The dude with Paul’s girlfriend in reality was her friend Silvia, a six-foot-two woman with large shoulders and a pale white mustache who was keeping Paul’s girlfriend company since she was alone on her birthday.

There are times in life when Paul wakes up in the morning with a girl, who looks an awful lot like Silvia, lying next to him because he drank too much at the surprise party. But there are also times in life when you wake up and everything seems perfect. You get up and go to the fridge to grab some milk for your coffee. And the milk is there, waiting for you. You don’t have to go out in the rain to buy some. Everything is perfect!

And there are also times in life when you need to run to the bathroom because the coffee you heated up in the microwave this morning was the same coffee that you made two weeks ago, and you have a pretty good idea of what will happen if you don’t make it to the toilet in time.

I am sorry. I have to run!

- Simone la Cuercha

Weekend Survival Guide for newly heartbroken men

Are you here alone reading TES on a Friday evening? Did all of your friends go to a party that you weren’t invited to? Is this the anniversary of the day when your ex dumped you? Does the weather outside suck so much that you don’t want to leave home? If you are reading TES on a Friday evening, then you really need help. So, just for you, dear weekend readers, we present you with our guide to surviving the weekend in 6 easy steps:

1^st: Don’t kill yourself. Suicide may be the solution recommend by the AUA, American Undertakers Association, but you can’t let them win this battle.

2^nd: Don’t listen to music. 99% of all songs are about unrequited love and other dreary situations. You never noticed before because life had been so wonderful and carefree, but now all you hear are stories that are eerily similar to your own.

3^rd: Get drunk. Alcohol is the perfect cure for depression. Doctors claim that this leads to addiction, but let’s be honest here: Of course something that makes you feel better is “addictive”!

4^th: Start smoking. I suggest two packs a day. Why? Because there are forty cigarettes in two packs and if you smoke forty cigarettes per day, excluding the hours you are asleep, you can smoke a cigarette every twenty-two minutes. This will increase that chances that you have a cigarette in your mouth when a hot chick passes by. Also keep in mind that the smoke is going to cover up the smell of failure that usually keeps girls far away from you.

5^th:  The most important of all: Don’t stay at home! Go out, even if you are by yourself. If you have been following all of these instructions up until now, 3 and 4 will start to take effect even before you get into the club. Drink more, wait for girls, never make the first move and remember: Don’t be yourself, be somebody that actually is cool!

6^th: And now go out and show us what you are made of. But please, no naked drunken dancing in public!

- Simone la Cuercha (acid like never before)

Rambling at 4 AM

It’s four in the morning and I’m still awake. I have had quite a busy day of lying around doing nothing and there just hasn’t been time to write until now. So, what’s a good four in the morning story? Let’s see here….

It was four in the morning and Martin was tossing and turning in bed. He tried to fall asleep but all he could think about was the last conversation he had had with Jessica. Was she really going to marry that one-eyed, one-armed Serbian juggler she had met at the Cirque du Soleil? Didn’t that passionate weekend in West Virginia mean anything to her?

It was four in the morning. Exactly four hours since she slammed the door in his face, rejecting his advances. Four days since he had found out that his dog had cancer. Four months since he scored a 440 on the GMAT. Four years of college spent studying his ass off and for what? He had no job, and he was still alone thanks to four different girls, who had all left him for circus folk. Four, four, four, four….

Martin imagined all the different fours floating around his head, taunting him. Suddenly they started chirping loudly. “#%$@&!” The birds had already woken up and were preparing to recommence their perpetual search for those ever elusive worms. Now how was he supposed to sleep? Sometimes he wished he could just sprout a pair of wings and fly away, leaving all of his problems behind.

He decided to go for a walk in order to clear his head. About forty minutes later, he reached the Palm Mangroves Golf Course at 44^th St and Broad. Suddenly he heard a strange noise. Behind a golf cart he noticed a German Shepherd joyfully mounting a little toy poodle. Martin couldn’t help but think of Jessica and that Serbian juggler. Life just wasn’t fair.

As he pondered the inhumanity of it all, he had the faintest impression that someone was taunting him with that number again. He looked up just in time to see a white projectile zooming towards him.

…….

They were back again, and this time he didn’t try to ignore them as they danced around his head. Four, four, four, four….

- Carlos de la Gringa

Chronicles for the darker side

There is nothing funnier in life than death, especially those deaths that occur under weird stupid circumstances. Indeed it is surprising how often this happens. For this reason TES is always working hard to satisfy your desires for morbidly depraved nonsense. Our eager team of investigators is down in the streets 24/7, chasing leads no matter where they take us. That’s why I am glad to present the newest member of the TES writing staff: Irving Scott and his column: “Chronicles from the Darker Side.”

- The Master of the Extraordinary

Today’s case took place at the University of Springfield. Doctor Johnson, a senior professor of dietetics who had worked for the University for more than 20 years and who was a well known and respected member of the community, died yesterday morning during his class presentation on water.

Doctor Johnson was trying to explain to the students the numerous health benefits derived from drinking water. Before the presentation, the company Estonian Spring had even offered free bottles of water to the students, who were all unaware of the existence of such an important element of their alimentation. Only one student out of several dozen had declared that he consumed water and even so, only when neither soda nor liquor was available.

Unfortunately during his presentation Doctor Johnson started to cough. Doctor Johnson continued coughing louder and louder, and then completely exhausted, he began choking. Students sat silently and watched not knowing how to help their professor. A perplexed student reported that his last words were: “Please, may I have a glass of water?”

When questioned about the events, Sheriff Christian Agato declared, “Apparently […] students were clueless as to how to save their beloved professor. There were no glasses in the room and nobody knew what to do with all those water bottles… The widow, Mrs. Johnson, in a press conference a few days later, stated her intention to sue Estonian Spring for not including safety labels affirming that “these bottles are good for consumption.”

Hopefully, justice will be served swiftly and this unfortunate matter will be laid to rest so that we can all reflect on its meaning in our own special ways. In the mean time, police have begun searching for possible suspects in the murder, but it is hard to imagine that the true culprit will be found in such a strange tragic death.

- Irving Scott

What Women “Do”

Men think that they know what women want. They even think that they know everything that we do and that we’re capable of doing. Feeling strengthened by my womanly power, I decided to use my sway to once again write on the pages of this disgusting daily magazine. I hate TES!

- Dr. Jane Smith

Women drink from straws and not directly out of the glass (we’re not pigs after all) so as not to ruin our lipstick and to make sure we always look gorgeous. On second thought, women don’t suck at all, neither from a straw nor in their outlook. We are wonderful and beautiful like princesses. And this brings me to my next point.

Women – especially blondes – are princesses and for this reason, they don’t poop or fart like all of you lowly peasants. However, we do still pee.

Women love to talk. If it were up to us, we would always talk, especially among our girlfriends. This is why we go to the bathroom in packs so that the conversation never ends.

‘No’ is the preferred response to a woman’s question. “Am I fat?” “NO!” “Am I ugly?” “NO!” “Do I talk too much?” “NO!”

“Are you sure?” “YES!” ‘Yes’ is a woman’s second favorite response.

N.B.: the time that passes between a question and its answer is of utmost importance. Actually there shouldn’t be any pause at all. Women are not as stupid as you idiotic guys seem to think. If you are hesitating that means you are thinking about your answer. It means that you are going to say the truth, and if there is one thing that women hate, it’s the truth. We already know the truth, you moron! We are asking you for reassurance, not to be told what we already know.

Women love to have our loved one’s attention. So if you are wondering why you can never go out with your friends for a beer, or play for 30 minutes with the latest app you bought for your iPhone, it’s because you are not paying enough attention to your girlfriend.

‘‘Enough’’ in every woman’s dictionary is a synonym of “always”, “completely”, “all the time,” “again” and “a lot”. So if your girlfriend says that you are not paying enough attention to her, then move your ass. She needs you. That means now. And that means “again” because it’s “all the time”.  Stop reading this stupid daily, and go do something for her.

- Dr. Jane Smith

Real Screenwriters Work for TV

Today’s article is a question. And my question is (I say “my”, but it should be everybody’s question – everybody that has “a” IQ above zero. Mine is 30!): How has Hollywood and the film industry in general been able to consistently ruin everything that they possibly can for the last ten years?

How is it possible that for the last ten years when I look up what’s “Coming soon,” there are only stupid romantic comedies and film adaptations of comic book superhero stories? And I am not referring to The Matrix being destroyed by those disgusting sequels: Revolution and Reloaded. I am also not talking about the sequel to Spiderman (It makes me puke just to think about that sequel). But why talk about Spiderman and The Matrix? Because lately it seems that movies in general and American movies in particular can’t do anything other than rip off classic novels, destroying the beauty of works beloved by generations of readers.

What am I talking about? This:

Now I have to see again, for the ten thousandth time, one of my favorite books – because I love that damn Frenchy Dumas – ruined by idiots only looking to fill movie theaters. I give them only two years until they put a machinegun wielding Ahab on a boat with a bad Jack Sparrow-imitation as Ishmael, so that we can watch them kill Moby Dick on the big screen. Am I exaggerating? Do you remember Troy? Did you read The Iliad? I swear I never fell asleep reading The Iliad (and that poem is f***ing boring) but I fell asleep watching the movie. I only woke up because I needed to go to the bathroom, and there was Achilles inside the walls of Troy. I only had enough energy to say, “Crap!”

And if you are wondering how this is all possible. Well, we should look no further than ourselves. An industry in crisis wouldn’t make a movie like this if nobody paid to see it.

Wait a sec… what?!? The trailer mentioned it only at the very end. It’s in 3D!!! I love 3D and watching all the cross-eyed people trying to leave the theater! Guys, we have to go!!!

- Simone la Cuercha