In Defense of Homer

ΚΛΑΣΙΚΕΣ ΠΕΡΙΛΗΨΕΙΣ Classical Summary

ΙΛΙΑΣ (The Iliad)

Ἔφθυγαν (They left)

ΟΔΥΣΣΕΙΑ (The Odyssey)

Γύρισε (He returned)

- Giorgos Houliaras

Of all the articles that I have written, this may be the most contentious yet. Regardless, I cannot tolerate any more derision of this great figure: “He’s long, dull and repetitive”, “It’s just a bunch of drawn out battles and scary monsters”, “I don’t like (epic) poetry”, “He is a sexist, racist, xenophobic, warmongering, polytheistic, blind guy, who didn’t even exist!” Our own Simone la Cuercha once called one of his poems: “F***ing boring”. Poor Homer…

“But Carlos, he is boring!” Nonsense, he may not be the most accessible of “authors” but there is method to his madness. Indeed, the versions of The Iliad and The Odyssey that we possess demonstrate a highly complex and efficient lexical system designed to facilitate their oral composition and recitation. “Sounds like Greek to me, Carlos!”

…&#*$%@!!!

Ok, I’ll try this again: Homeric poets (since the works are the product of an entire tradition, not one sole author) used easy-to-remember stock phrases and topics when orally performing the epics and improvised the rest with their lyrical prowess. This means that the poems weren’t simply thrown together at random. Every strange repetition or juxtaposition of images and ideas carries inherit meaning that contributes to the central themes of each work.

Far more than just “a bunch of drawn out battles”, The Iliad is a frank reflection on the harsh realities of war. Just like in real life, Homer’s work is full of flawed leaders, who let their egos get the better of them, tired frustrated soldiers, who just want to go home, and “independent” third parties, who constantly try to influence the events on the battlefield to further their own agendas. It begs the question: How do you find honor or valor in something as chaotic, cruel, and ultimately futile as war?

As for The Odyssey, it too is more than a straightforward adventure story with “scary monsters”. The poem is a profound examination of what it means to return home, after being separated from one’s family for a long time and having overcome life-changing hardships and frustrations. Indeed, since nothing can escape the transformative effects of time, is a true homecoming even possible?

Please! Don’t dismiss these truly sophisticated works of Western literature!

- Carlos de la Gringa

In Defense of Immigration

Last time, the Master of the Extraordinary got mad at me because my topic wasn’t sufficiently polemic. “Controversy sells, Carlos, pick something that will piss people off!” So after scratching my head for a while, I finally settled on immigration.

Now I’m sure this will leave no doubt in the rabble-rousers’ minds that I’m up to no good: “Carlos is at it again, corrupting our good old-fashioned American values. Just look at his name, he is probably one of them [a proud Irish-Jewish mutt!]. Let’s deport him now before he causes any more problems.”

As our world has become increasingly globalized, immigration in turn has been rising steadily: Just look at all the immigration to countries in western Europe that until recently had been sources of significant emigration to the Americas. So while we can certainly argue about its pros and cons, the fact of the matter is that there will continue to be an  “immigration problem” as long as significant differences in economic opportunities between neighboring countries persist, and no physical or legal barriers are going to prevent this.

Furthermore, if individuals are willing to travel long distances, braving great dangers both human-made and natural in order to be justly compensated for their hard work, then we should welcome them with open arms. Now some may say, “Carlos, we don’t have a problem with the one’s who enter the country legally, just the one’s who are entering illegally!” This argument might be persuasive if we could all honestly agree that the current laws are sound. However, the desire to change them appears to be one of the few universals in this debate.

Others fear that the immigrants are somehow going to irreparably pervert American culture (Oh God, not tacos, accordion music and Catholicism!). Ultimately, as long as we teach them English, share with them our cultural values, and are willing to learn about theirs, the concerns about Latino, Indian or Arab immigrants today will prove to be just as unfounded as the concerns about Italian, Irish or German immigrants 150 years ago. Call me old fashioned but I still believe that there is inherent value in accepting the world’s “tired”, “poor”, “huddled masses” and “wretched refuse” (Emma Lazarus, 1883).

- Carlos de la Gringa

 

In Defense of Flying Monkeys

Flying Monkeys? Really, Carlos? You couldn’t come up with anything better to defend? All the problems in the world? You couldn’t come up with  something slightly more polemic? Talk about gay marriage or abortion or war. Talk about… oh, I don’t know. Talk about all the fat people in the United States. But f*#%$ h#$%, don’t talk about flying monkeys!!

-  The Master of the Extraordinary

So this week I wanted to defend something very serious. A misfortunate class of souls who always get a bad rap. A truly marvelous, fantastic clan of mischievous daredevils, who fell into hard times. A band of merry-makers conned by an occult mistress of darkness. I’m talking of course about flying monkeys. Those poor souls enslaved by the Wicked Witch of the West.

While accounts differ on how the monkeys fell under the control of this cruel woman, one thing is certain. They cannot be held accountable for their actions. They were set up. They didn’t actually mean to hurt anyone. If they can be accused of anything, it’s having too much fun, too much “monkey business” if you will. And who can blame them? They are monkeys with wings for goodness’ sake! If you and all your best buddies had wings, don’t you think that you would get into trouble too? That wouldn’t make you bad person. That would just mean that you need to learn to be a little more considerate of others.

Why do we always have the tendency to hate what we don’t know? Why can’t we get to know before we judge? This world would be so much better off if we could get around all of our prejudices and just live together in peaceful harmony. We all have our own problems and faults. We just need to learn to be more accepting. For as the great late John Lennon once said, “Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey.”

- Carlos de la Gringa

In Defense of Carnivores

I just keep making things worse for myself. People already think I’m a drunken party animal and a perverted deviant, do I really want them to think that I’m a murderer too? I should just quit while I’m ahead. I’m going to alienate the few fans I still have. I’m going to… Fuck it, I love meat too much!

Look, I have no problems with vegetarians. If they don’t want to eat meat that’s great, more for me!! I promise not to make fun of them. Just don’t try to get between me and my food. Don’t you know what happens if you stick your hand inside a dog’s bowl when he’s eating??

I’m a carnivore and I’m proud of it. Why? Because it tastes good! In my mind there is nothing better than gorging myself at a good Brazilian steakhouse (have you ever tried picanha?), unless it’s stuffing myself with lobster rolls in Maine. And you would take this away from me?

I know, I know, I’m a selfish bastard. I’ll be the first to admit it. I was the asshole who didn’t cry when they shot Bambi’s mom. I was the maladjusted kid who always cheered on Tom, hoping that this episode he would finally catch Jerry. The poor cat only wanted to eat.

Let’s face it, carnivores are just cooler than vegetarians. How many of you wanted to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex or a Velociraptor when you were a kid? And how many of you wanted to be a Stegosaurus or a Brontasaurus? Hell, the Brontasaurus was so lame that they eventually decided that he didn’t exist.

If a T-rex gets to eat meat why not me? But Carlos, you can survive without eating meat and he can’t. You’re an omnivore; you have a choice. Alright, you’ve got me there. I’ll stop eating meat. You will? Yes. On one condition. Anything Carlos! Convince my friend the grizzly bear to stop eating meat first.

- Carlos de la Gringa

In Defense of Pornography

Don’t worry!  I know what you’re thinking.  First he defended Carnival and now he is defending pornography.  This Carlos character is up to no good!  He is an irresponsible deviant, who only wants to live a life of hedonistic pleasures without ever considering the consequences.  We need to lock him up before he gets out of control. Please, think of the children! (Seriously!? The little bastards look at more porn than I do!!!)

So, relax! In spite of its title, this article is going to be perfectly clean and wholesome – or at least relatively so.  For this is no fringe activity we are talking about here. In a made-up but probably accurate statistic, 90% of males 12 years of age and older admitted to looking at pornography with some regularity and the other 10% of males were lying.  In another study conducted by the same “institute”, 70% of women admitted to having looked at pornography at least once in their lifetime and the other 30% didn’t know what they were missing.

What’s more, by no means will I be advocating sexist and violent pornography that exploits and degrades the female body nor will I be encouraging you to go out and make a porno yourself (nobody wants to see a fat geeky dude with his shirt off!).  But after seeing the Master of the Extraordinary’s response to a reader’s question, I decided I had to jump to pornography’s defense.

The only thing I will be talking about today is economics, simple supply and demand.  For what is pornography if not the result of a larger demand for sex by males than that which females are willing to supply?  Or to be more precise, more men wanting to have sex than women willing to have sex with those particular men – women’s standards, after all, are a lot higher than men’s.   A male’s standards are so low in fact that we are willing to settle for a computer screen (which complains an awful lot less and doesn’t get emotionally attached) instead of another human being. Thus a new industry was born!

- Carlos de la Gringa

In Defense of Carnival

Today is Ash Wednesday (or it was when I wrote this) and I am sad. Another Carnival has come to an end. Another frigid Carnival spent indoors following coverage on the internet and dreaming of tropical weather, beautiful women and exuberant sounds, colors and smells. But I’m not complaining. Well, maybe a little.

Did the Puritans have to take away everything fun in life? New Orleans is the only place they didn’t touch in this country, the last bastion of pure unadulterated pagan (and vaguely Catholic?) fun. What a pity! It truly is one of the most beautiful and most inspiring celebrations of the year. Seriously!

Now you are welcome to call me a stupid, self-absorbed, Bohemian frat boy, who is only looking for a good time (something I won’t confirm or deny). But if you do, you clearly are missing the point. While Carnival does involve a good amount of having fun, getting drunk, hooking up with strangers, loud music, excessive tourism and commercialization and widespread disorder, there is also something a little more profound going on. For Carnival, is also about letting go of all of your problems for a couple days and allowing yourself to simply enjoy life, stress free, it is about working together to turn a couple of seemingly unimportant days into the most magical time of year, and it is about celebrating life in spite of all the trying difficulties that mankind faces. What could be more beautiful and inspiring than that?

So keep criticizing, if you want. Call me self-centered and uncaring. But don’t expect to be able to save the world, if you’re incapable of occasionally letting loose.

Happy Carnival and see you again next year!

- Carlos de la Gringa