Should I Become a Dentist?

This week TES is proud to bring you for the first time ever, a real-life flesh and blood guest columnist! He hails all the way from the southeast of Brazil and was crazy enough to submit us a column! (If you too would like to write for TES, you can send us your submission at talesofextraordinarysanity@gmail.com.) We’ll try not to laugh too much.

I’m going to talk about something that bothers almost everybody here in Brazil. On any night, it is really common for people to watch television: soup operas, sitcoms, soccer, news, etc. So of course, there are thousands of ads at this time, some less annoying than others. But the absolute worst is the tooth paste ad! Fucking terrible! For those of you who think I’m exaggerating, let me describe a typical ad:

Usually it starts off with this dentist standing in a lab coat, perfectly normal, right? WRONG! Because this dentist is not in his clinic but in the middle of a crazy street. “Why crazy?”, you ask. Because it’s not some small local street but the most famous and busy avenue of the city, with thousands of offices, restaurants, subway stations, buses, cars, and most importantly, people sprinting because they are late! It’s a stressful avenue where nobody stops to give you the time of day. It’s here that we find our dumb-ass dentist.

Then comes the worst part, the part that pisses us Brazilians off. The dentist spots someone in the crowd but not any ordinary person! If it’s a man, he is handsome and muscle-bound, if it’s a woman, she is super-hot with her breasts about to pop out of her shirt, either way they are wealthy and not in the slightest hurry. “So he just stares at them?” NO!!! He goes over and asks them if their teeth are clean, and they actually answer him!! “I think so; I just brushed.”

Then the dentist proposes to check. And the guy or girl smiling like a jerk accepts!!! WHAT!?!? Do you see how crazy this is? A dentist in the middle of a bustling street picks out some attractive stranger and without the slightest greeting or introduction, asks to look into their mouth! Are you kidding me? If somebody tried this in real life, the girl would tell him to fuck off. “Another idiot trying to get my number, life’s so hard when you’re hot!” The guy would wonder, “What does this asshole want? I’m in hurry!” Then the man would threaten to bust open the dentist’s mouth if he didn’t get lost.

In the end it turns out that their teeth are not clean after all. The dentist hands them a tube of tooth paste that will “clean their teeth properly”, and everybody goes off happy.

So let’s see if this works, the next time I want to please a girl, I’m not going to get her jewelry, I’m going to buy her some tooth paste!

- Lucas the Franco S.

Dispatch from Tripoli

We at TES are proud to bring you a very special treat. We sent our foreign correspondent, Patrick Baker, all the way to Tripoli, Libya to report on the latest developments in the NATO campaign. We sat down recently with Patrick and had a little chat via skype. Here is a transcript of part of that conversation:

- The Master of the Extraordinary

TES:            What is the mood in Tripoli?

PB:            Tripoli?!?! But I thought you said that I was going to Disneyland! Oh God… Why am in Tripoli? Where the hell is Tripoli? Is that the capital of Alberta?

TES:            Does the bombing campaign appear to be working?

PB:            From the Halls of Montezeuma.. Oh shit, that Tripoli! The one with all the pirates. Wait!? Did you just say bombing?? Why would you bomb pirates? What the f$%# is going on, man? I was just peacefully sleeping in the park, minding my own business and now I’m trapped on a pirate ship?

TES:            Do the rebels seem to have formed a legitimate government in Bengazi?

PB:            Rebels!? Bengazi?? Hold on, I think I’ve seen this movie. Is this the one where  they kidnap that princess and there are all these robots and that furry bear-man and the guy who can’t act to save his life and the other guy who is a B.A.M.F. and then they blow up the Death Star? Oh Lord, please don’t tell me I’m on the Death Star!

TES:            Any time frame for when Gadhafi may surrender or when NATO troops may pull out?

PB:            Gqhahdhaffiy?? Now you’re just making stuff up. I’m all for practical jokes but this is getting ridiculous. Can you please just let me out of your van? I can hear you moving around up front. Please! I’m getting kind of hungry here…

- Patrick Baker

What Women “Do”

Men think that they know what women want. They even think that they know everything that we do and that we’re capable of doing. Feeling strengthened by my womanly power, I decided to use my sway to once again write on the pages of this disgusting daily magazine. I hate TES!

- Dr. Jane Smith

Women drink from straws and not directly out of the glass (we’re not pigs after all) so as not to ruin our lipstick and to make sure we always look gorgeous. On second thought, women don’t suck at all, neither from a straw nor in their outlook. We are wonderful and beautiful like princesses. And this brings me to my next point.

Women – especially blondes – are princesses and for this reason, they don’t poop or fart like all of you lowly peasants. However, we do still pee.

Women love to talk. If it were up to us, we would always talk, especially among our girlfriends. This is why we go to the bathroom in packs so that the conversation never ends.

‘No’ is the preferred response to a woman’s question. “Am I fat?” “NO!” “Am I ugly?” “NO!” “Do I talk too much?” “NO!”

“Are you sure?” “YES!” ‘Yes’ is a woman’s second favorite response.

N.B.: the time that passes between a question and its answer is of utmost importance. Actually there shouldn’t be any pause at all. Women are not as stupid as you idiotic guys seem to think. If you are hesitating that means you are thinking about your answer. It means that you are going to say the truth, and if there is one thing that women hate, it’s the truth. We already know the truth, you moron! We are asking you for reassurance, not to be told what we already know.

Women love to have our loved one’s attention. So if you are wondering why you can never go out with your friends for a beer, or play for 30 minutes with the latest app you bought for your iPhone, it’s because you are not paying enough attention to your girlfriend.

‘‘Enough’’ in every woman’s dictionary is a synonym of “always”, “completely”, “all the time,” “again” and “a lot”. So if your girlfriend says that you are not paying enough attention to her, then move your ass. She needs you. That means now. And that means “again” because it’s “all the time”.  Stop reading this stupid daily, and go do something for her.

- Dr. Jane Smith

What the world needs now are new super-heroines

So apparently some of our readers were offended by some of the things we’ve written here at TES. A group called WTF (Women Thinking Freely) contacted us, threatening to sue if we don’t allow them to express their views on our site.  Since our lawyer is on vacation at Rikers Island, we decided to let the notorious sociologist Dr. Jane Smith write today’s article.

– The Master of the Extraordinary

In a world dominated by the Hollywood capitalist machine, a cosmogony of ridiculous macho divinities, chimerical fusions of Tarzans and savage arachnids, shares the sky with flying idiots in red cloaks, perverse John Wayne wannabes who fight against a supposed “communist menace”. Women don’t need a cosmos of blind oppressive defenders of justice chasing after buxom unscrupulous vampires that spend their nights on street corners.

I want to believe that somewhere, somehow, somebody special is waiting for the right moment to make their presence known. The feminist miracle won’t be silenced, and finally empowered wonder-women and super-ladies will appear flying in the sky in all their splendor. We women of the future need new role models, strong sculptured hardened women, immune to the tyranny of the lies of “romance” and “true love”. Women that know what they want and aren’t afraid to crush their immature and intellectually devoid oppressors in order to get it.

We don’t need losers who only complain about their dull ordinary lives and don’t give us the attention that we deserve. It’s time to say no! The age of super-women is upon us. Come on girls, let’s take flight!

- Dr. Jane Smith